Why is it so hard?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Why is it so hard?
46
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:56pm

I'm just in a funk these days. I really don't want to give up but yet don't want to try so hard. Why can't love just happen with reasonable effort? I thought that if I have things going on in my life, if I keep myself presentable, be kind, fun, and have a few interesting thoughts in head, that someone will want me and yet here I am 10 years after I realized I wanted someone in my life, back to square one. No one to be there for me when I just want to kick back, talk about my day, accompany me to social events, or just spend a quiet evening in. A shoulder to put my head on, a warm body to snuggle up to and feeling secure and loved at the same time.

Pretty, nice, smart, and funny? Isn't it what most people want so why don't they want me? I go through phases. Recently was feeling positive b/c what else can I do but at times, it hits me that I haven't had a RS in years. I've been telling myself, it'll happen but why can't I see any light at the end...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:47pm

I feel like I could have typed your entire first paragraph!!!! That is exactly how I feel too. It has really been a goal of mine as of late keep trying to remember the those positive things and a lot of time that really helps get me going, but i still think on the overall I feel exactly how you feel. I know that I can't look to anyone other than myself to be happy, but it would really be nice to be move on to that next stage in my life.....I think that I have the single life down!!! It is tough to get motivated right now, it is so cold up here I can't but barely get out of my own dust most days! Sometimes when I do get the energy to go out, I feel out of place because I feel like the third wheel often - everyone else seems to be moving on and I am still in the same place. I don't think that I am anything super great, I just am who I am, but without having too high of an opinion of myself, but I don't think that I am completely wretched looking nor an unbearable personality, so I guess I just don't get it. The crazy and mean girls keep getting the good guys.

Its funny, I was thinking the other night that while I have dated (quite infrequently, mind you) I haven't had a real BF since high school (how sad is that?) and that I have never actually went to an adult event with a date. I wonder what it must be like to get to go to a wedding or party and have someone there with you. That must be an interesting feeling. I hope that I will get that chance sometime. I keep thinking that because I have been able to see this other side that when (hopefully) I get a real relationship, I will be able to appreciate what I have. I am saddened when people don't seem to appreciate those types relationships. My sister has a husband who has his faults but at the end of the day loves her very much and tries very hard - but she is so tough on him. I wish that she appreciated what she had more. Since she just recently became pregnant, perhaps she will.

By the way - I haven't heard from my long distance friend in two weeks. Clearly, that is a sign to move on. Makes me sad.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:55pm
OMG!! I just ranted about the exact same thing. Must be something in the air
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 5:48pm

Re your LD friend. It's not a good sign when someone changes his pattern for the worse. I had it happen to me too and at first met with sadness and anxiety and felt like a rug was pulled out underme litterally. I would wake up at night with a feeling as if there was a big void inside of me which was a strange feeling. It took me many years and a few more experiences like that to realize what it was. It was the feeling of loss or a fear of loss.

I've been trying to keep positive and not tend to negative feelings like self-pity or envy but even something innocent can open it all up again. For instance just yesterday, I came across an article about Kate Middleton, prince William's gf, in a magazine and it made me sad. It's not b/c she's young and attractive and has a prince for a bf. No, it's not about that but b/c she reminds me once again of what I want and don't have. She's a normal woman who progresses through life so naturally and so orderly, a girl with a good head on her shoulder, goes to school, meets a quality man, dates, and now has a stable RS. - And not just her who's far-away figure in the news but just to bring it home, right here in my family, it happened for my sister in law who met my brother. And the thing is, she has nothing over me - actually even less to offer than me but nevertheless found a great wonderful man like my brother who pretty much has everything: looks, brains, and personality (and money!) (and it's not b/c I'm biased but in everyone's eyes). She said marrrying my brother is like winning the lotto and you know what, it's actually not far from the truth.

Anyway, it's moment like this that makes me feel so dejected. The thing about my brother I struggled with in the past but came to terms. I just mentioned it here b/c of the news about the British royal couple's bringing it all back like a chain reaction. I feel again why can't I get my piece of the pie too. Do I lack anything any women who found love have? Any person who is born to this earth who wants love should get it, why can't I? Then I think about the man at work, here it is someone who not only look fetching in my eyes but who is also very compatable: similar personality, taste, and spiritual leaning. So why can't we just get together and have a wonderful time. Why is it so complicated and out of sync.

So that's my rant. I'm working on being postive again. Actually have a novel idea for meeting men but I'm trying to work out the details. Stay tune...:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 6:49pm
It does seem at times like a lot of people around us have more than us and are luckier than we are but we have to look past that so we don't drive ourselves up a wall. There are ALWAYS going to be people that are prettier, smarter, got a wonderful man and married young, better job, more money etc etc. the list goes on. I see people like this all around me all the time but then I also see people around me who are less fortunate as well and remind myself that I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm starting not to compare myself with others so much and it's working and making me a lot more happy and content with my life. Some people win the lottery and find the perfect man early on, but a lot of people don't. For most, finding the one is a rough process and we all have to go through it. Heck, being in the right career or finding good friends, saving enough money to buy a house does take work and determination. Some people find it easy and good for them, they are lucky, but for most it takes hard work, persistance and determination. I see a lot of women around me who are with men that make a lot of money and are sweet, have brains etc etc like your brother and it seems as if these men just fell into their laps. It took me forever and a crapload of dating to find someone that makes me happy and a good match for me but he isn't the career oriented type that makes a lot of money so a lot of women would think that I don't have it all either, but I look at it from a different perspective. He's right for me and I'm happy with him. He may not be other women's prince charming but he's a good match for me. Besides, these "perfect seeming" men might not be all that great if you get to know them very well and have to spend day in and day out with them. We dont' know what goes on behind closed doors and how happy people really are. It's hard to look at things from a different perspective but when we do things dont' seem as bad as we thought they were.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 8:29pm

Reagrding LD man, still ma bit sad, but I am now sure that it is really over and I think that now it is time to get moving on past this - enough is enough. I hope that we can still stay friends and keep in touch because we have a lot in common and due to our family connections, I would like to not have it be too weird. But, I will need to keep in mind always how I felt when this fell apart and hopefully that will help me not get over involved again. I tried so hard to not get too deep into this relationship because the distance in its self was going to be a high hurdle to jump, but I am still glad that I had this experience. Have you had those guys that you dated that you always wished would come back around? I think that I had a few and when LD man came around, it was the first time that I could ever remember thinking that there wasn't anyone else I would rather spend my time with. Here's hoping that I will feel that way again.

Funny you should mention your brother in your previous post, I have a younger brother who has all of those same traits, he deserves a great girl who appreciates all of the great things about him. He has a whole other side to him that not everyone sees and I want him to find someone and get settled and married and everything else. He is more like I am, he and I were the ones who date very infrequently and are fiercely independent, while my sister has always had someone. I think that I want it for him almost more than I want it for myself.

Don't feel bad that sometimes little things can spark those feeling of envy and self-pity, those happen to everyone. It is probably better to have them spark from something like the cute royal couple. To us, they are just photos in a magazine. I think that people who are the other side from us (i.e. in relationships) see our lives and feel that way. Everyone has those moments. Someone else posted a point that we should be happy with the things that we have because there are many who envy those things. Good point and definately something we should all keep in mind. Although, there are some days that I would hand over my good job and cute little townhouse to anyone who was willing to take them off my hands when they are annoying me!!!

I know that you aren't quite where you want to be with your man at work, but i have to say I am a little jealous of you because at least you have someone that is holding your interest right now. I am definately without any prospects. Will keep you posted.

Can't wait to hear more about your new idea for meeting men - I know that I am up for a new method!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 3:16pm

agreed with everything you said - I get dolled up (casually, not to the top) and tell myself I look great and sexy, then I go out to hear my favorite band play (I know the band) and dance salsa....and all the bad dancers, skinny, dyed-blonde women who are drunk, get to dance!!!!! I know I probably have some facial expression that says "don't come near me", but ....the bottom line is it is not easy to get a guy's attention...just as it is not easy for the opposite.

furthermore, what is being too picky? I hate it when folks tell me that...my answer is what do you do if the guy is too picky and doesn't want you!!! I would have married the last boyfriend, but he didn't want me in his life longterm!

Eharmony got me nowhere in 6 months (I was rejected by 16 guys) and match.com pretty much is draining my wallet, too, but....I'm still trying!

I don't know why it is so hard, but it's life - full of interesting twists and surprises!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 3:36pm

>>"all the bad dancers, skinny, dyed-blonde women who are drunk, get to dance!!!!!">>

just in another post i read a guy admit he "wants to be the man" who gets to take home the drunk girl...sadly, i think when women in a public social/casual setting (club, concert, class) get noticed, well, *some* men, sometimes, are purposely seeking what they presume as the "easy" nite...or at least a woman who projects the "easy" image (cause i'm not saying skinny, dyed-blondes are generally more easy!).

on the other hand, i have found men in a more intimate setting will have the pause to notice the nice, attractive, sexy, special woman across from him...so thats the good news for one-on-one first meetings/dates (IMO)...women get the oppurtunity to grab the attention of a man when we're alone with them...and it seems some (many?) men are inclined to be more genuine on a personal date with only us, giving more thought to the kind of woman they *really* desire, for a lifetime.

>>"I know I probably have some facial expression that says "don't come near me"...">>

i wondered too, when i'd get dolled up and not asked to dance...do i have some attitude that says "get lost!"?...i don't think so...i think it may have to do with the above ~ cleavage and tipsy on margarittas seems to be the main attraction in my observation....and maybe too some of us women may intimidate men, especially men in their "prowl/hunt" mode in a bar/club atmosphere where a superficial encounter is what they are drawn to.

IMO

ps, i agree, life IS full of interesting twists and turns! :)

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 3:49pm
good points,
thanks for the support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Wed, 02-14-2007 - 6:40pm

Lately it just seems I'm can't keep my mind of wanting a RS. I keep getting reminders of what I don't have. I suppose it's the valentine's blue. Really I don't hate Valentines day, I actually like the idea of celebrating love, even though the holiday is meant for romantic love, I like to think of it as being dedicated to love in general.

However, something happened which intensified the desire and it was because I saw the man at work for our weekly meeting. We always meet alone. I love it and at the same time feel frustrated b/c I want more than what we have right now. Something in his eyes get me all the time. He has these calm, limpid eyes. Last time we didn't have any new materials to discuss for our project so we just talked about other things. Still professionally-bound, basically an exchange of information relating to our field of work.

I try to mask my desire by working more and scheduling time with people. Last night after work, as usual I occupied my time studying with a gf from work to keep each other company until 10 PM. Then after getting home, I cried and said in my mind I don't want to be single any longer. I had wanted to find out if he has a gf and thought about asking if he had plan for valentine and all I could say was happy valentines as he was leaving. Then I wondered if he had anyone. Then I thought if he has someone, she may not be able to understand what he talks about (work-related) may not be compatable in many ways that I am (he and I can relate in many ways) but she's his type physically. My mind went down this path b/c of the many bad experiences I had when I thought the man and I were so compatable and even liked me but then would hook up with someone else instead.

Then I think about equivalent women finding someone who value them and love them and I think why can't anyone (my kind of wonderful) love me too. Sorry to sound so down but I have my moments and right now it's bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 8:59pm

I am sure that you are able to guess by my screen name that I would be more than a small fan of a holiday like Valentines day. Lucky for me, we had the huge snowstorm yesterday and therefore everyone at work was too busy talking about the weather to talk about valentines day, which was okay with me! I treated myself to a tasty dinner with chocolate cake and watched some good TiVo!! I would have loved to have done almost anything else, but it was the best that I could do so I decided to be satisfied with it! However, I did go to the gym tonight to work off the calories and enjoyed the lovely eye candy while there!

I think that it is really good that you are able to talk about something other than the specific project that you are working on with the work guy. That is a good start to having conversations that have nothing to do with work and everything to do with you as people. And hopefully when you get to those conversations we will be able to get the answer to the "is he single and available question!" You must work with people who are different than those that I work with. They love to ask me (& anyone who has not clearly announced that they are in a relationship) if and why I am single. I can send some of these people your way, not a problem!! :-)

Be careful diving too much into work, that is what I did for the past two months to help with the loss of the long distance guy. Now that I am in a bit of a lull with work, I feel little empty and worthless. Not helping matters much. I know that I have to continue to work on finding the balance in my life between work, family, friends, myself and maybe then I will be better able to find a meaningful RS. I just struggle with how to get there.

I don't even think that I am sad that I don't have a relationship, I am just wondering if love is truly for some and not for others. It seems like some people are really able to get it together and some just can't.....i fear that I might be one who can't. I don't want to become an old bitter woman, but I can see how people can get there.

Thank god Grey's Anatomy is coming on - I can get my RS fix!! :-)