Why is it so hard?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Why is it so hard?
46
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:56pm

I'm just in a funk these days. I really don't want to give up but yet don't want to try so hard. Why can't love just happen with reasonable effort? I thought that if I have things going on in my life, if I keep myself presentable, be kind, fun, and have a few interesting thoughts in head, that someone will want me and yet here I am 10 years after I realized I wanted someone in my life, back to square one. No one to be there for me when I just want to kick back, talk about my day, accompany me to social events, or just spend a quiet evening in. A shoulder to put my head on, a warm body to snuggle up to and feeling secure and loved at the same time.

Pretty, nice, smart, and funny? Isn't it what most people want so why don't they want me? I go through phases. Recently was feeling positive b/c what else can I do but at times, it hits me that I haven't had a RS in years. I've been telling myself, it'll happen but why can't I see any light at the end...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 12:40pm

Dear loves,

We do have times when we talk about more personal and intimate things but the moment has to be right. I'm just so so shy around him that I clam down. I'm trying very hard to be more casual talking about personal things. I don't have that problem around other guys at work and even with my other supervisor. I have been trying to imagine being comfortable joking touching him etc...The other day I got up the nerve to lightly and quickly touched his arm while joking.

I have to relax a bit and think of him as any other guy. It will take lots and lots of self talk. I think part of the reason is I'm just too complacent about my shyness and really I shouldn't be. The other day when I said I'm not going to be here next week, he asked where are you going? or casually asked if I have a bf but then asked if I recently had a bf and if I had a bf in the past. If he had asked just if I had a bf I would have thought he is interested. I don't even remember the context of that conversation b/c it was a bit weird and scattered.

So I was thinking if he could ask me these personal things in a casual manner, why can't I ask him the same? I always think so hard about what to say and then get scared and decide not to say anything at all. I thought next time we met just how was your weekend? and did you do anything fun this weekend? I've been thinking whether I should tell him how I feel about him too but that is also a scary thing.

On the one hand I think I have a great opportunity with him. We meet 1 hour a week alone. Just perfect to get to know each other and on the other hand I'm too shy and too self-consious. He is my supervisor on this particular project. We've been meeting 7 months. During this time discover we both have the love for art, spiritually attracted to the same philosophy. And intellectually, no problem there. But the question has always been is he attracted to me physically b/c without that basic level of attraction, nothing is going to happen.

The other day he could see how this certain person could be attracted to me b/c I'm nice and emphathetic and I thought so he looked at me and all he could say was nice and empathetic? If you think someone can be attracted shouldn't it be physical first. I concluded and probably correctly that he purposely avoided addressing my physical attractiveness - maybe b/c he doesn't feel the same way and didn't want to lead me on?

As far as ever finding a RS. I have moments when I think maybe some people are not meant to have it. I try not to think like that as much these days but it's normal to feel sad at times no matter how positive you try to be. I put him away for a while and now that desire surges again. I know if there are other men I wouldn't focus on one but where? it's hard to make a connection and I'm in the state where I'm open to meeting them but not really want to jump thru too many hoops.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2005
Fri, 02-16-2007 - 2:05pm
Just curious, What does RS stand for ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 6:57pm
It is so nice to hear that there are others that feel the way I do about relationships. I am the girl who all of her friends go through relatioships and I am always the single one. And not really by choice. I am a nice quiet smart girl but those things seem to intimidate the kind of guys i am attracked to, or they just dont ever see me in the relationship light. I just dont get it and am sick of just sitting around.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 9:37pm

Whenever I am nervous about having conversations, I like to practice in the car because there I can be sure that no one can hear me. Note: always make sure your bluetooth is off before beginning any pep talk in the car!! I am really serious, I do it a lot with conversations that I am anticipating at work, with family or with guys. It helps to calm me a litle as well, by saying it in the car, it is like I am getting through the convesation, hence, the relaxation!

I think that you are really on the right track with this guy considering that you work for him and only see him on a very limited basis. All you guys are lacking the social engagement which will allow you to discuss something other than work. Just keep chipping away at asking personal questions. Definately a good sign if he was asking some personal questions about you. It does sound like he is a little nervous too, i bet that whole bf line didn't come out the way he wanted it too! Plus, being your supervisor on this project makes it tougher as well. Sounds like you guys just need a little more time to get to the next level. Good things are supposed to come to those who wait!

I still have not heard back from my LD friend.....Very disappointing.

However, to brighten my days, it appears that there is a cute guy at the gym who has taken a liking to me. It is really pretty entertaining - he seems to plan his workout around me and likes to find some reason to talk to me. Today it was to compliment my supercool orange sneakers (they didn't come in pink.) If nothing else, it is nice to have someone seem excited to talk to me.

We have to keep the faith - somedays are just easier than others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 9:38pm
Hi Hjlatte,
Well, not sure what your situation is like,but, I think that for one I am not gonna meet someone at work, and really, wouldn't want to date someone there. I guess I kinda whine but when it comes down to it I work too much. For example, I worked 14 hours again yesterday and today, and so, pretty hard to meet someone at my desk. LOL
A friend invited me to ballroom dancing but there was lots of old folks and all couples there,sooo, what to do, still gotta work to pay the bills .
If you have any ideas let me know.
Suzie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 10:50pm

Hi Loves,

Any new development with the gym hunk? Sounds like a good place for pickup. I know a couple of guy friends who picked up women at the gym. I went to a dance the other day and struck up a conversation w a couple of guys mainly b/c I needed someone to show me a few dance steps. Neither of them were my type but they happened to be close. One of them called me the next day. Why is it the only guys who show interest are the wrong type? I got to thinking maybe I should have asked the cute guys? But they weren't close by which made it akward. Anyway, I suppose I should have faith regardless.

I don't know why I've been feeling more down lately even though I try to read about having faith and the law of attraction. I guess at the end of the day, no matter how positive I try to think, I still look at the botton line which is I haven't had a RS for so many years now. My next step is trying to convince myself to have faith and to manifest that faith into the outward expression in such a way that I will attract love into my life. I think I understand the concept, I'm just not sure of how to do it w/o getting lost in fantasy land.

Re my man at work I don't know what to think. If it's supposed to happen wouldn't it have happened by now? I try to have faith but I've been burned in the past where I thought it was fate and it turned out to be nothing. So I'm afraid to hope especially when there's no definate outward expression of interest. I really hope there's more than meet the surface but at the same time don't want to get carried away in lala land.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 9:44pm

Hi there -

The gym is the thing that is holding me together. I need the stress relief that it provides, plus it gives me something else to do at night after work. It really does make me feel better, plus it keeps me in my thinner clothes!!

I have to tell you how bizarre I find it to have the gym guy kind of "crushing" on me. Not used to that at all. The other day he was practically sitting on my radio so I "had" to talk to him in order to pick up my radio off of the shelf it was on. He introduced himself, so it looks like we are going to be friends. I have to say it is nice to have someone who wants to talk to you there - there is an interesting cast of characters at my gym, so I don't mind chatting with the more normal ones.

However, I did go out with some friends the other night, we ended up going to a new bar in town b/c one of my friends was supposed to meet up with a friend of hers from her gym. I wasn't too sure about the whole thing and definately did not want to stand in line in the cold, but went because she really wanted to see this guy. So we go, and of course, we can't find him. These outings are always intersting - I kept looking around like I knew who we were looking for and I had no idea. However, she did run into a friend of hers who I recognized but couldn't quite place where I knew him from. I figured out later that he goes to my gym. Impressively enough, this only took me him walking away to figure it out!! Anyhoo, we ran back into this guy and his buddy later and he was trying to place where he knew me from too, so I told him and we started to chat a bit about the gym. This discussion led to discussing where we live in relationship to the gym (I live in a 'berb, so I figure he must live or work around here.) Turns out, not only do we live in the same townhouse development, we live in the same building! He lives 4 houses down from me. At this point, the bonding really started. Turns out we have a lot of things in common. Did I mention that he was tall, funny and pretty handsome? We "hugged out" when they left and I saw him at the gym tonight and we chatted for a few. He works and goes to graduate school so I think that he has a lot going on, but between all of commonalities and having the common friend, maybe something will evolve from it. If nothing else, I am glad to have made a couple new friends (the friend he was with that night lives with him) and I will take that. Plus they look like they could help me move heavy things around the house..... :-)

Kudos to you for going out to a dance - definately would take me out of my comfort zone. I think that it is a really good sign that one of the guys you met gave you a call-just because you weren't attracted to him, it is nice to know someone had some interest. When I get into my funks, I worry that I tend to "repel" men!

I am trying really hard to "recreate" my comfortable life. It is not how it was previously, but I am really trying to make an effort becuase it is somehting that I have control over. Things are getting intense at work (pretty soon, we will down to only have a handful of people left in our department and they are not going to be able to replace any of those positions - long story short, we all take on more work for the 3rd time and no one gets anymore money!) Sorry to complain but work is a big part of my life! Anyways, back to recreating ....... I am doing the things I want to do when I want to do them. I have been going to church on a more regular basis, call my parents more often and when I do, complain less and laugh more. I am even drinking milk everyday because it is good for you! Somedays are easier and better than others, but I am committed to being okay with me and hoping that will help lead me to a meaningful addition into my life. And if that isn't meant to me, hopefully, I will find some satisfaction with myself.

Regarding work guy, if nothing ever happens with him, make sure you take something away from this. If he is really someone that you are intersted in and think that he was a good match - it was just a timing & situation (supervisor dating employee) that keeps you two apart - use him as a template when evaluating the next guy. I couldn't be more disappointed with LD guy, but between him setting the bar high when we were together and remembering how I felt, I will be forever grateful to him for that and hope it will keep me from guys who are wrong for me in the future. No one can ever replace anyone else or replace the experiences we have had with them, but by having them in our lives, they will teach us more about ourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:13pm

Hi,

I like stories where you meet someone by chance and find out you have so much in common. IT makes for a good start of a RS be it romantic or platonic. I'm a romantic at heart and love stories of serendipity meetings and soul connection. I always imagine it will happen to me although at this time I don't know when or how.

I try to comfort myself with the thought of "let go and let God" - it takes away the frustration of trying to make things happen when it's not happening (or at least not yet)-I try to enjoy the RS the way it is. It's nice but doesn't extend beyond work. Every time I meet him, I would hope that he would show some sign of wanting to be with me outside of work, just something please but no, he didn't do a thing. Last time we met, again, no new material so he helped me with an upcoming exam at work - which was nice, he stayed longer for that. During the review session, we had a small disagreement to which he laughed and told me I was stubborn. You see, these moments are sweet and strike a soft spot in my heart. I wonder if it makes him feel anything. But it stops there. Anyway, I'm trying to deal with it as best as i can and try not to hope for too much

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 9:26pm

Hi there -

I thought that you along with some of the others on this board might enjoy reading my newest favorite quote - it is from an episode of grey's anatomy (hands gown - the best show on tv!)

***We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Still, the expected's just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives.****

This is exactly why I too enjoy the chance meetings with people. And as I have aged, I have really improved on my ability not to count people down and out. I figure if I want the world to give me a second chance every once and awhile, then I should be doing the same. This is also helping me out with the other facets of my life. I am trying to not let work rule my life anymore, because clearly that is not a healthy way to lead your life. I am also trying to be more understanding with my family. They sometimes make this hard because they keep throwing me curve balls, but I am putting extra effort into my immediate family and dealing as best as I can with the extended trouble makers!! It is probably a good thing that Easter is still a few weeks away!

Anyways, I think that I have hit that place where I am again feeling "comfortable" with being "single" again. I am feeling more confident in myself and I am enjoying the freedom that I have. Here's hoping that this will make me appealing to the opposite sex!

I am coming up on my 27th birthday and while I was never one of these people who writes lists of things that they have to have done by certain ages, I certainly had some ideas of where I thought I would be in my life at this point. Maybe I should let my mom put more candles on the cake - my wishes haven't come true in a few years!! I am definately into my birthday because you get to pick out the kind of cake!

BTW - my new neighbor friend seems to now seems to take his dog out in the front lawn instead of the backyard.....we had a nice conversation the other day, plus I got to meet his adorable (but large!)dog. I don't actually think anything is going on between us, but I figure it is good "guy interaction" and you never know!

I suppose if life has taught me anything, it is that you have no idea what is going to happen. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 7:56pm

Hi,

I like your grey's anatomy quote. Very hopeful. I copied it to my collection.

I have a small thought, not anything big it's just a more cut-and-dry way of looking at things. And a disappointment at that. This is b/c last week when I had my weekly meeting with my handsome supervisor - this was after I came back from vacation. I asked how his weekend was and he said he went to a conference from thursday thru sunday. Then told me it was a good one that I should go next time. When he told me what it was, I realized that I had also considered going to it a while back. However, I didn't want to pay out of pocket and tried to applied for a "scholarship" to pay for it but I didn't get it. So that being the case and there was no other motivating factors to go (i.e. my friends from work weren't going and he never mentioned it) so I let it go. Then I realized this was fate at work and it was not in my favor. This was the one chance so far when I had the possibility of meeting w/ him outside of work and it didn't happen even though I did make a small effort to go. Had fate invervened in my favor, I would have either gotten a scholarship or some the pursuating factors to make me go.

Then I told myself do not look for things that aren't there. Had he had any romantic interest in me, he would have at least told me about it and encouraged me to go. I realized a brazen "hey, lets go to the conference and hang out" would be inappropriate but it would perfectly appropriate to tell me about it and that I should go ahead of time! That's what I would have done and I'm pretty shy.

Then I asked about an upcoming conference that I'm planning to go to in May and he said he'll probably won't go. But most of my friends are going so looks like I'll be going after all. I read your quote and tried to take comfort in the possibility that maybe I should just let fate take its course. What I want to happen didn't happen and what may happen and beyond my expectation may be better that what I wanted and tried to make happen.

I'm sad but at the same time feel resigned. I'm just so tired! Our last meeting was so-so, we had new (and boring) material to discuss and he kept looking at his watch. The things that used to make my heart fluster didn't have the same effect b/c I realized his whole interactional style is probably nothing more than platonic interest. For instance, he smiles a lot (genuinely) and is animated at time expressing his feelings about things. He likes me and even told me that but I probably didn't make a strong impression on him as he on me.