Why is OK for women and wrong for guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Why is OK for women and wrong for guys?
5
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 12:12am

A lot of you have told me in the past that it is wrong for me to pursue casual sexual relationships. That it is wrong to feign genuine interest in her when I'm just looking to hook up; that it's wrong to lead her into believing (on her own intuition) that I want a relationship when I just want sex.

I don't understand this. I have asked several women to answer to this, but none have so far so I'm devoting an entire thread to asking once again, why is it wrong? Why is it okay for women to try and pursue relationships with men but it's wrong for men to pursue casual sex and flings with women?

Think about it. If you go out with a guy on a couple of dates, you end up sleeping with him, but he ends up not wanting to be your husband and leaves you after 2 months, sure you may FEEL heartbroken, but you've lost absolutely nothing. Everything he gave you, dates, dinners, gifts, car rides, sex, he gave to you for free, and there are thousands of willing replacements for him.

Now, if I go out with a girl a couple of times and she ends up NOT sleeping with me, I've lost tons of money on dinners, movie tickets, gifts, gas to drive her around and most importantly, my time and energy, which I can never get back. And if I end up in a relationship with her, even if she does sleep with me, I've lost the freedom to hook up with other girls and STILL have to spend tons of money on her. And if she ends up breaking my heart by leaving me, I've still lost all that time and money.

As a guy, I have much much more to lose by pursuing a girl. The only way I can ensure that I won't be used as simply a source of dinners and dates, that my money, time and energy won't be wasted and that I won't get my heart broken is to simply to go straight to sex without the serious dating or relationship involved. Unfortunately, since not a lot of young girls are into casual sex, I have to "game" or "charm" them into it.

Now please tell me. How is this ANY WORSE than what women do to men to try to get the relationship they want out of them? Why is it any less sleazy or deceptive for women to be doing all these things like playing hard to get or waiting 3 days or more to call back, or withholding sex or threatening to leave if he doesn't cough up opera tickets or a wedding ring?

Dr Phil, Seventeen, even this website, constantly give advice to women how to make men bend to their will and to conform to the type of relationship women want, despite the fact that the man risks and loses a lot more in the process. So why is wrong for men to do it? Why is it wrong for guys to get women to conform to the types of relationships we want, especially when the female stands to lose little or nothing?

Why is it wrong for me to "break a girl's heart" in order to prevent myself from losing my time, money and my freedom only to get MY heart broken in the end?

Edited 6/4/2007 12:15 am ET by redonculous




Edited 6/4/2007 12:17 am ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 12:45am

Seriously, why do you spend so much time thinking about all this junk and not being out in the world actually meeting people and LIVING?? Don't wonder why you don't meet women.

Who said it was right for women to be manipulative?? And if you don't know why it's wrong to break someone - ANYONE'S - heart, then I don't think anyone here can explain it to you.

It's not "right" for anyone to manipulate another person in a relationship to meet one's own needs, man OR woman. I, for one, don't listen to a word Dr. Phil says and Seventeen is marketed toward, well, seventeen year olds. They are all trying to sell magazines, TV shows, etc. you know.

Some of the men that come here seem to be under the misapprehension that all women are cunning, sleazy, manipulative b*tches who use men at their will and chase anything with a fat wallet. First of all, if this is your thought process, WHY are you on a board created for WOMEN?? It's rude and insulting, in my opinion. Second, it's yet ANOTHER reason you're single...if a guy I met had this impression of ALL women, we wouldn't be dating for much longer, BELIEVE me. I am proud to be independent, financially secure enough to support myself, I ALWAYS volunteer to pay for at least my own half on dates (though most guys refuse), and I'll only go out with guys if I'm genuinely interested in them. Yes, I've flings here and there, but in those cases we BOTH know that's all it is. Believing in and perpetuating such stereotypes is about as accurate as me saying that all men are selfish pigs who will chase any blonde in a short skirt, and only care about getting a woman into bed. Of course that's true for some men, but NOT the majority.

WHo cares what "society" thinks?? I do what I think is right, and that's treating ALL people with the respect they deserve.

If you're just going to keep asking the same ridiculous questions, why not post them to a different audience? I've been here for two weeks tops and I'm already tiring of it.




Edited 6/4/2007 12:49 am ET by cml7721
Avatar for filiasan
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 1:32am
I agree that there are women out there who have unrealistic expectations. Then again, it's the same for a lot of men. That's just they way they are.
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Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 2:18am

>>>Second, it's yet ANOTHER reason you're single...if a guy I met had this impression of ALL women, we wouldn't be dating for much longer, BELIEVE me. <<<

I've never shared anything that I've said on this board to anyone else. Of course, I never talk about this stuff with girls. I really do my best to be attentive, polite, amiable and approving with every girl I've personally talked to.

>>>I am proud to be independent, financially secure enough to support myself, I ALWAYS volunteer to pay for at least my own half on dates (though most guys refuse), and I'll only go out with guys if I'm genuinely interested in them.<<<

I'm glad there are WOMEN like you, but my problem is with GIRLS. Unfortunately, there are very few young, attractive girls like you. I have overheard girls at work brag about how they got guys to buy them drinks at clubs by smiling and twirling their hair at them, then turning them down when they asked for their numbers or to dance.

I used to be friends with a lot of girls in high school. I used to genuinely like them, and deluded myself into believing I was in love with them. But in retrospect, I realize now that in reality, they had absolutely nothing to offer besides their body. Sure, they were attractive, but they had nothing to offer besides their body. They were usually spoiled pretty-girls who had absolutely no substance or character. And yet they were unquestioning in their entitlement to a boyfriend who was gorgeous, popular, charming, and completely willing to pay for them and ignore all other girls to them. I knew ONE girl who was intelligent, sensitive and compassionate along with attractive, but she ended up with a guy who got 2 other girls pregnant before her and blackmailed them into getting abortions.

I'm sorry if I come off as bitter. I wish I had no reason at all to be bitter, but the truth is, I haven't had any positive relationship or sexual experiences. I haven't even had any relationship or sexual experience to begin with! My one happy memory of ever being with a girl was a drunken kiss over 2 years ago, but before and since then, all I've seen and received were games, lies and broken hearts. I've seen girls who claimed they wanted nice, loyal guys but constantly went for popular and smooth-talking players and cheaters. I've seen girls lie and use ordinary guys who did nothing wrong. I've seen girls coldly and insensitively reject kind, honest guys who genuinely liked them and even made jokes about them behind their backs ("He was such a creep!" or "Haha! What a loser!")

I honestly do try to have a positive outlook when I'm out during the day, but when I come home alone every night with no one to talk to or go out with, with no warm body to brush up upon or even the memory of one, it's difficult NOT to have a cynical view about dating and relationships. It's difficult to understand why I've always played by the rules but have always ending up losing to cheaters or guys who found loopholes and shortcuts. Does that mean anything at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 2:42am

>>>Who said it was right for women to be manipulative?? <<<

Society. Like I said, television, radio, books and magazines are filled to the brim with information for women on how to get a guy not only get into a relationship with you, but how to get them to take you on expensive dates, buy you a wedding ring and be loyal to only you. And yet, men who pursue casual relationships are sleazy scumbags. Why? Please tell me why this is.

>>>And if you don't know why it's wrong to break someone - ANYONE'S - heart, then I don't think anyone here can explain it to you.<<<

Like I said, I don't WANT to break a girl's heart. I wish I could find a cute, attractive girl who's genuinely interested in me for nothing but sex. But I don't know if I'll ever find her or if she even exists.

I'll never lie to a girl. I'll never tell her "I want us to be serious" or "I love you" if I don't mean it. However, if she won't hookup with me unless I say a certain combination or words in a specific tone of voice to get her interested in me and that, later on, IMPLY that I do want to be serious or that I do love her, then so be it. I'll regret that her heart's broken, but if she feels heart broken, it is her fault for willingly thinking there was some deeper meaning to my words and jumping to conclusions.

It just seems like my only options at the moment are to "break a heart" or to continually suffer from rejection and loneliness. And from my personal witness and experience, a broken heart isn't that bad. A broken heart ALWAYS mends with time. I've never seen a girl lament about an old boyfriend for more than 2 or 3. It still hurts me a lot when a girl rejects me. I took a lot longer, but the longest I ever felt heart broken about getting rejected by any 1 particular girl was maybe 2 months.

Loneliness only gets worse with time, however. I'm doing this out of desperation, not malice. Does that mean anything at all to you?




Edited 6/4/2007 2:45 am ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:32am

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