Why so easy for some & hard for others?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Why so easy for some & hard for others?
9
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 12:30pm

One of the other posts got me thinking again about something I wonder about a lot....truly one of the things I ponder most about life is why it seems so easy for some people to find that "right" person and so hard for others? Like Biochic seems to indicate in her post, I used to think you found that person when you were "ready"...ie when you had gone through enough to sufficiently matured/developed to have a lasting, healthy relationship. So I always hoped, when I was "ready" he would come (kind of like "Field of Dreams" I guess). But I have gone through a lot of growing experiences to become the emotionally healthy & self-sufficient person I am today and have been "ready" for years--and "he" has still not arrived.

Don't get me wrong--I don't need a man to be happy, but at the same time I have always known having a family and a husband is something I want to experience in life--and I think everyone would agree having a loving spouse certainly can add another layer of happiness to life that you can't find alone (kind of like icing on the cake I guess). So here I sit as "ready" as I think I'll ever be, and yet, in five years, I haven't met anyone even close to being the one--and no, I'm not one of those people who whines "I can't meet anyone" yet refuses to be proactive--I've done internet dating, blind dates, etc. Nor do I have unrealistic standards--I simply want a kind,decent man whose company I enjoy.

I'll admit its getting frustarating to watch day after day, people who seem lucky enough to have thier "mr./mrs. right" just drop in their lap without having to go through the torture or chore of blind dating, internet dating, etc. People who fully acknowledge they admire my strength b/c they are strong enough to be alone, but yet, somehow seem to have luckily found what I would, as an impartial observer, say is a great match for them.

So in a nutshell my whole "you'll find it when you're ready" theory has been blown to bits. I hate to sound bitter, but the truth is...I am a bit discouraged...it seems I'm doing all the "right" things and have not found someone, yet everyone around me who doesn't seem to be doing the "right" things effortlessly find great matches. Luckily after reading these boards, I know I'm not completely alone in this. But I wonder--so what's the deal? Why don't we get our hapy endings? Is it truly just that life's unfair and that's the way the ball bounces? I hate to think that way, but at this point that's the only answer I have. Anyone else have an answer as to why its so easy for some and so hard for others?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 12:47pm

I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't, and I am in the same boat as you. Just know that you're not alone!!! I often see it too, a lot of my friends seem to jump from one relationship to another, and I think "okay, they were with this guy for a year, then single for a couple months, and now in another great relationship" while I can count on one hand the number of dates I've been on, and there is one in particular, I am no longer friends with her, but she had a LOT of problems, mental and otherwise, she was always in a relationship (not always healthy) but she ended up marrying this wonderful man, and I just think "okay, do I need to be bat sh*t crazy and have crappy relationships to meet a good guy or what???". I'm as frustrated as you, but I know I want that happy ending, so I'm not throwing in the towel yet.

Hugs!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 12:52pm

I responded to you on the other board, but since it ties into an earlier discussion we had here on this board, I'll just say that I believe the role that a "little bit of luck" plays is hugely important.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 1:05pm
Yeah, I guess one of the hardest things for me is accepting life ISN"T fair and "good things don't always happen to good people." I was raised to believe if I do/did things right, treat other people well, etc. thing would work out for me in the end and I'd ride off on the white horse with my Prince Charming. Its only recently i've realized that's all a bunch of BS--after all there are millions of people in Africa who are probably doing things right, treating others well and yet STILL starving to death or being raped by military forces (Congo), etc. Clearly they are doing things right and getting the shaft. All in all, my personal circumstances, combined with what I see in the world around me, has really made me start questioning my faith and how I view God--after all, if there's no "guarantee" of good things for good people...how do you cope? If things just really are random luck (or lack thereof) doesn't that make life seem kind of meaningless? (IN the sense that you might as well do whatever you want/treat people however is most "profitable" for you personally in the situation b/c you have no control over anything that happens to you anyways and no consequences appear to flow from being a good person versus a bad one).
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 1:12pm

Well, to me, that's where faith and belief in an afterlife come in.

And I personally get (some) satisfaction from doing the right thing just because...even if it doesn't come with any other rewards. You know, the whole "virtue is its own reward" thing ;-).

I've encountered someone recently who lives his life as you describe (a guy I had a fling with)...just doing what he wants and behaving selfishly, with no regard or concern for others...and while I'm fascinated by his amorality and think that life would indeed be easier if I could be that way...I know myself well enough to know that I'm just not that way and I don't *really* want to be.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 1:19pm

I understand how you could feel that your actions now don't affect the future, but they really do.


If you go to college, you'll most likely make more money.


If you obey the law, you'll most likely stay out of jail.


If you take care of yourself physically, you are more likely to live longer.


If you actually get out and do stuff, you're more likely to meet people in general- people who could lead to a good relationship.


I truly believe that those who do good are rewarded in the end, if not here on Earth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 2:26pm
It's just a matter of being patient enough and smart enough to recognize "that guy" when he comes into your life. I used to let similar feelings get me down, but the truth is, we just have to wait our turn. I have friends who married young and some who are marrying now. I also have friends who had to wait because it happened for them later. So because I have seen both sides, I do know that is just a matter of time. If you are emotionally healthy and you want a husband and kids, it will happen. Sometimes not as fast as your friends, but it will happen. I honestly cannot say that I have known anyone who had their act together and was emotionally healthy that never met "The One". It just happens for others later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 2:39pm
This is just my opinion, so take it for whatever you want, but nothing is random. We're here on this earth to learn. We do have control over our lives, ultimately. For example, a girl is beaten and raped by a stranger. She has no control over what happened to her, but she does have control over how she deals with it. Sometimes things seem unfair, but those situations teach those who are going through it so much. Don't ever question your faith, because your faith, whatever it may but, will get you through the tough times. Be the good person you are and believe that whatever happens, will make you stronger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:22pm
Everyone's input has been great. I realize I definitely have a problem with expecting that b/c I am good person, "I deserve" certain things. As one poster said, that's really not what being good is about--its about being good for its own sake. Don't get me wrong--I do remind myself all the time that life is not about what I "deserve" and try to just focus on being a good person b/c that IS what I believe in--and most days that works. There are just times however, when after struggling so much to do the right thing, treat people well, etc. that when I see others who treat others like S**T seem to sail through life easily, that I get a little frustrated and think "why shouldn't I just act that way then?" I just have to remind myself of the personal satisfaction I get from being able to sleep every night b/c I know I've done my best to treat everyone I enounter as I'd want to be treated. As one poster pointed out, I guess I can only control how I react to things, not what things happen to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:35pm
One more thing to remember. Those who treat others poorly or feel they are more "privileged" really are miserable people with no morals. So, it might seem like they get more in the end because they have advanced in their career by stealing another persons job or boyfriend, or whatever. But in the end, they have nothing. No dignity. They have no chance to learn or feel good about themselves. And if they can convince themselves otherwise, it usually is all superficial. So, I don't feel sorry for them, because they made their own bed, but they will get what is coming to them, which is a lonely, meaningless life.