Why so insecure?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Why so insecure?
3
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 11:08am
I can't understand why I am being so INSECURE about IT guy. I am nervous. I am always worried about why he won't touch me, kiss me, etc. But I know. He told me. He wants to take it EXTREMELY slow. He needs to be sure I am who he thinks I am - b/c he's been badly fooled before. I asked him if his intentions are romantic (I am wondering!). He's proud of himself for growing up and finally meeting a "nice" woman for a change. Then he told me his horror stories...WOW...he's had xgfs who SHOT at him, who physically abused to point where he needed restraining orders, who followed him from city to city...YIKERS! Then he smiled at me and told me thats why I am so good for him.

Last night, he finally PLANNED the date. Exactly what I wanted, right? Well...he did NOT even kiss me goodnight! And I was planning on trying for a little more this time! Did he know? Unbelievable. I am so disappointed.

So do I confront him on the physical contact stuff? I don't want to push him - obviously he is NO where near ready since he doesn't respond to my touches and never initiates them. He only laughs when I talk about sex and tells me "I'm bad". But I figure, I gotta get me comfortable talking about that stuff - if we are ever going to get there :)

I am feeling so incredibly attracted/interested/invested in this guy - that its almost painful not to express it the only way I know how. Physically. Honestly, last night when he didn't kiss - I almost felt tears welling up!!!!! ME! Is that not crazy?

But I can't help thinking - after 2 mths - this is unreasonable. Maybe he just doesn't feel the same way I do. Maybe I am wasting my time...

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: goroque
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 11:17am
You're insecure b/c you're used to men wanting to move quickly. His actions are indicating that he's not interested, that's for sure. He says he is, but he's not showing it.

The only way to fix it is to tell him how you're feeling. If he doesn't want to have sex right now, then I don't think there's anything wrong with that (as long as it is a possibility in the future), but not kissing you? That's just something I couldn't handle. You need to tell him that he's making you insecure, and unless you feel like he's truly interested, you'll need to search elsewhere.

I think this guy is good for you, and I'd really like to see it work out, but if he doesn't match what you're looking for, then it won't work out in the long run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goroque
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 12:33pm
How much of your attraction is based on his restraint? Sounds to me like he is not emotionally available for the sort of relationship you want (and deserve!!). I think he is "trying" to like you - a nice stable woman instead of going for yet another stalker (it takes two and my guess is he was attracted to that type for some reason - he likes to be the rescuer, he is more comfortable with being the more stable one, likes the power, etc) - in a somewhat analagous context I "tried" to like a really nice well meaning man and even got engaged - he was so "good" and "good for me" but romantic love isn't about taking your vitamins - it didn't help me go down the aisle - I think we all need the "heat" of passion to some extent and to feel a little out of control/vulnerable when we're with the person - for him, in his emotionally unavailable state - he probably needs someone equally unavailable to let himself feel the heat - because then he knows there are no strings attached. Two months - I probably wouldn't be around if there was no physical affection by date five or so and if it took two months to get to date five I would question that a little too. Keep your eyes on your goal - you want to be a mother - is this guy furthering that goal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goroque
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 1:47pm
Hmmmm...

is it possible that he's a player?

i don't mean as in sexual conquests, but emotional ones...?