Will he EVER want to move forward w/me??
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Will he EVER want to move forward w/me??
| Sun, 05-06-2007 - 11:59pm |
I have a dilemma and I hope that I can get some advice on it....
The story is- I have been dating this guy for about 1 month now...Maybe one month and a week. we are both 23. I am divorced with a 2 1/2 year old daughter. When we first met, he was very skeptical about dating me because of my daughter. He said from the beginning that we should take things slow...He would say things like "I am definitely not ready for a kid, but I don't want to throw away this potential relationship....we should just take things slow and see how they develop"...Anyway, so we have been dating "slowly....VERY slowly" as in, we maybe talk on the phone once a week, text a couple times a week, and actually see eachother for a date once, MAYBE twice a week maximum. Friday night was actually our last date that we had....and during that date, we actually sat down and talked and HE actually initiated a conversation about our "relationship."
He started off by asking, "What do you tell your family and friends about what "we" are? What do you consider us?" and I replied back "Dating...what else would I tell them?" And then he replied "My friends and I were actually talking about this at work today...about the difference between "dating" and "seeing someone" and we all think that "seeing someone" is more exclusive...And then I asked what he considered to be "exclusive"...and he said "where two people are just dating one another, no one else"...and then I said "Well, I would consider US to be exclusive then, because I'm not dating anyone else"...and then he goes on to say "Well, you know you still have that option...you can date others" And I ask "so you are telling me its okay if I date others? you won't be jealous or care or anything?" and he said "no, I won't be...we've only been on like 6 dates...I am telling you its okay for you to see other people, and I consider it okay for ME to see other people too, but I doubt that will happen, because I have a hard time meeting girls, I'm actually lucky I even met you"...
So then he goes on to talk about how people at his work have been telling him that he needs to go on a vacation, so he has been looking at vacation packages...and then he says "but I wouldn't have anyone to go with, thats the problem" so I suggest that he go with his friends or family....He says he wouldnt want to go with any of them...the only person he would consider going with would be his brother, but that wouldn't work because his brother is in a serious relationship, he says. He says he really wants to go on vacation, but has no one to go with, basically. At this point, I don't know what he wants me to say! So finally I say, "Well, if we knew eachother better, maybe in a few months or something, I could go with you" and he says "Possibly, in the future"...and then he says "but I do think that we need to take our relationship really slowly" I tell him that I agree, and he says "You do? Why?" and I tell him because I got divorced about 6 months ago and I don't want to RUSH into anything right away, plus I think its smarter to go slow...(although it is hard!) and then I ask him why he wants to go slow and he says "Because I don't want to get married (right now) and I am not ready for the responsibilities that comes with a kid...that I consider myself a kid still too in a way, and when relationships progress, naturally people start spending the night together, and I wonder what will happen when we get really serious, to that point (of me spending the night) will my kid spend the night with us?" Basically- he is just really worried about having to take responsibility for my child. I tell him that my daughter is the most important person in my life, and will always be...so he has to accept that. He understands, he says. He knows that my child spends about half the time with her dad and I have plenty of freetime...I just don't know why he is so worried about this whole thing! He then says that he is happy with the arrangement that we have currently- seeing eachother about once a week. I ask him "you are?" in a put off voice (because I want to see eachother a bit more!) and he says "why, you arent? Do you want to see eacother maybe 2-3 nights a week instead?" and I say "whatever, anything is fine with me" (because I dont want to come off as too needy) And then pretty much our conversation is over because our movie is getting ready to start.
After that conversation, I admit that I was a little put off and worried about "where the relationship was going" and anxious/worried. I really do like this guy and want things to progress! He seems like he is a great guy this far-- He even tells me that I am the "perfect girl, besides having a kid"...I am just trying to give him time to possibly/hopefully adjust to my having a child. He hasn't met her yet...don't want to make that move prematurely either! Of course, my daughter comes first, and I wouldn't want anyone in her/my life that couldnt ultimately accept her! I just hope that HE can get to that point.
Anyway, after our movie was over, we went back to his house and watched TV, then were intimate with eachother (our second time).
When I was getting ready to leave (he asked me if I wanted to spend the night, but I declined) he asked me what I was "doing tomorrow" and I told him "No plans yet, but cleaning" and he said he wasn't doing anything, but he'd find something to do. I told him that if he got bored, to call me and we could hang out" he told me he'd call me before I had to go to work at 4. Well, he never called so I text messaged him, and he said he didn't wake up until 12:30. So we text back and forth a few times (mostly talking about my work and the weather) and then we stop. As far as I know, he went out last night with his friends (bars or something)...And I haven't heard from him since (it's now 10:30 PM on sunday night). He didn't contact me at all today, or last night either. But it's not really abnormal to not hear from him for a few days...especially since he wants our relationship to go so slow.
I just need some advice basically! I REALLY like this guy and want things to progress and work out-- but definitely don't want to scare him off! I would like for HIM to persue ME....and fall in love with me, eventually/hopefully! Any advice on how to accomplish this? I know that you cannot MAKE someone "fall in love" with you....but I just need to know what to do to make him hopefully want to get more serious with me. How long should I wait? I know that I don't want the relationship to go this slow for much longer, but then again I know we have only been dating for ONE month. Do you think his feelings could change on my having a child? Can he come to accept and embrace that? What do you think on him saying its okay for me to see other people? That worries me...Its kind of like he doesn't care! What do you all think??
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! THANKS SO MUCH in advance!
The story is- I have been dating this guy for about 1 month now...Maybe one month and a week. we are both 23. I am divorced with a 2 1/2 year old daughter. When we first met, he was very skeptical about dating me because of my daughter. He said from the beginning that we should take things slow...He would say things like "I am definitely not ready for a kid, but I don't want to throw away this potential relationship....we should just take things slow and see how they develop"...Anyway, so we have been dating "slowly....VERY slowly" as in, we maybe talk on the phone once a week, text a couple times a week, and actually see eachother for a date once, MAYBE twice a week maximum. Friday night was actually our last date that we had....and during that date, we actually sat down and talked and HE actually initiated a conversation about our "relationship."
He started off by asking, "What do you tell your family and friends about what "we" are? What do you consider us?" and I replied back "Dating...what else would I tell them?" And then he replied "My friends and I were actually talking about this at work today...about the difference between "dating" and "seeing someone" and we all think that "seeing someone" is more exclusive...And then I asked what he considered to be "exclusive"...and he said "where two people are just dating one another, no one else"...and then I said "Well, I would consider US to be exclusive then, because I'm not dating anyone else"...and then he goes on to say "Well, you know you still have that option...you can date others" And I ask "so you are telling me its okay if I date others? you won't be jealous or care or anything?" and he said "no, I won't be...we've only been on like 6 dates...I am telling you its okay for you to see other people, and I consider it okay for ME to see other people too, but I doubt that will happen, because I have a hard time meeting girls, I'm actually lucky I even met you"...
So then he goes on to talk about how people at his work have been telling him that he needs to go on a vacation, so he has been looking at vacation packages...and then he says "but I wouldn't have anyone to go with, thats the problem" so I suggest that he go with his friends or family....He says he wouldnt want to go with any of them...the only person he would consider going with would be his brother, but that wouldn't work because his brother is in a serious relationship, he says. He says he really wants to go on vacation, but has no one to go with, basically. At this point, I don't know what he wants me to say! So finally I say, "Well, if we knew eachother better, maybe in a few months or something, I could go with you" and he says "Possibly, in the future"...and then he says "but I do think that we need to take our relationship really slowly" I tell him that I agree, and he says "You do? Why?" and I tell him because I got divorced about 6 months ago and I don't want to RUSH into anything right away, plus I think its smarter to go slow...(although it is hard!) and then I ask him why he wants to go slow and he says "Because I don't want to get married (right now) and I am not ready for the responsibilities that comes with a kid...that I consider myself a kid still too in a way, and when relationships progress, naturally people start spending the night together, and I wonder what will happen when we get really serious, to that point (of me spending the night) will my kid spend the night with us?" Basically- he is just really worried about having to take responsibility for my child. I tell him that my daughter is the most important person in my life, and will always be...so he has to accept that. He understands, he says. He knows that my child spends about half the time with her dad and I have plenty of freetime...I just don't know why he is so worried about this whole thing! He then says that he is happy with the arrangement that we have currently- seeing eachother about once a week. I ask him "you are?" in a put off voice (because I want to see eachother a bit more!) and he says "why, you arent? Do you want to see eacother maybe 2-3 nights a week instead?" and I say "whatever, anything is fine with me" (because I dont want to come off as too needy) And then pretty much our conversation is over because our movie is getting ready to start.
After that conversation, I admit that I was a little put off and worried about "where the relationship was going" and anxious/worried. I really do like this guy and want things to progress! He seems like he is a great guy this far-- He even tells me that I am the "perfect girl, besides having a kid"...I am just trying to give him time to possibly/hopefully adjust to my having a child. He hasn't met her yet...don't want to make that move prematurely either! Of course, my daughter comes first, and I wouldn't want anyone in her/my life that couldnt ultimately accept her! I just hope that HE can get to that point.
Anyway, after our movie was over, we went back to his house and watched TV, then were intimate with eachother (our second time).
When I was getting ready to leave (he asked me if I wanted to spend the night, but I declined) he asked me what I was "doing tomorrow" and I told him "No plans yet, but cleaning" and he said he wasn't doing anything, but he'd find something to do. I told him that if he got bored, to call me and we could hang out" he told me he'd call me before I had to go to work at 4. Well, he never called so I text messaged him, and he said he didn't wake up until 12:30. So we text back and forth a few times (mostly talking about my work and the weather) and then we stop. As far as I know, he went out last night with his friends (bars or something)...And I haven't heard from him since (it's now 10:30 PM on sunday night). He didn't contact me at all today, or last night either. But it's not really abnormal to not hear from him for a few days...especially since he wants our relationship to go so slow.
I just need some advice basically! I REALLY like this guy and want things to progress and work out-- but definitely don't want to scare him off! I would like for HIM to persue ME....and fall in love with me, eventually/hopefully! Any advice on how to accomplish this? I know that you cannot MAKE someone "fall in love" with you....but I just need to know what to do to make him hopefully want to get more serious with me. How long should I wait? I know that I don't want the relationship to go this slow for much longer, but then again I know we have only been dating for ONE month. Do you think his feelings could change on my having a child? Can he come to accept and embrace that? What do you think on him saying its okay for me to see other people? That worries me...Its kind of like he doesn't care! What do you all think??
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! THANKS SO MUCH in advance!

I know it's hard to hear, but I think you're his "Ms. Right Now" instead of "Ms. Right."
I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I don't think you can count on him changing his mind about your child anytime soon.
Thanks everyone for all your replies! I really appreciate all the feedback I received...and it was definitely what I needed to hear...positive or negative! I am taking all advice into serious account when interacting with this man in the future. For example, I have decided to let HIM persue ME and not pressure him anymore! Have a life of my own and try to just "go with the flow" with this "relationship", let things progress naturally, if they may...but also be cautious and give it a time limit...3 months maximum for him to commit, or else I am done!
Anyway, I wanted to give an UPDATE on the whole situation! I wanted some opinions on what people think is going on with him NOW....what is he thinking? Any thoughts? It seems he has changed his tune...or something...
Anyway, what happened was yesterday he text messaged me in the middle of the day (which he hasn't really ever done before on a week day), asking me how my weekend was, and telling me that I missed him acting funny drunk on saturday night. I told him that I had a BLAST this weekend, and that my friends and I went out clubbing on saturday night.
He replied back saying that he hoped I was safe, and then went on to ask if I met any "hot guys" that night. I replied back, "No, not really" (to keep him wondering ;)) and he replied back "Not really huh...now I'm going to be thinking about that all day" and I replied back "whys that?" and he wrote "are you going to keep my worrying or set my mind at ease?" and I wrote back "I thought you didn't care?" (if i met other guys/dated others) and he wrote back "well what i should have said is 'if you want to meet other guys who am i to say no' but i can see that you are going to keep me worried" and i wrote back "no worries, i didnt meet anyone special" and he wrote back "so does that mean i'm special?" and i wrote back "maybe ;)"and he wrote back "i'm looking for a compliment and i'm not getting it..." and i wrote back "i'm just messing with you, you know!"
and then he wrote "i was talking a lot about you on saturday night with my friends...they want to meet you...i was kinda wishing you were there that night too" and then i wrote back "aww, i will have to meet them sometime...what were you saying about me to them?" and then he replied that he'd call me later that night (last night) and tell me.
So he did end up calling me! I was really busy when he called, so I called him back about 45 minutes later, and he said that he was going to invite me over earlier, but that it was too late now...i agreed. Anyway, he told me that he was talking a lot about how I have a child with his friends. He said that he asked their opinions on the subject, and that they (most of them) thought that it shouldn't matter if i have a child or not if he really liked me. He said that more people that he has asked than not have had this opinion. I told him that it was what HE felt/thought/was comfortable with that mattered in the end, though. Not others opinions. But I told him that I understood his hestitation and that I definitely wanted to take this relationship "slow" too... he said that the MAIN reason (he didn't tell me this last friday night!) he wanted to take things so slow was that he was "worried that things would fizzle out and that we would get tired of one another if we saw eachother a lot and jumped into a relationship quickly." He said that he has never taken a relationship this slow before, but he thought that going this slow would "keep out interests in eachother longer" -- whatever THAT means....??
Then at the end of the conversation (we talked for about 15-20 mins, and then I said I had to go eat) he asked again about the arrangement we had for "seeing eachother" (which it has been about once a week that we have been seeing eachother--every friday night) and he asked if once a week was okay with me still, or if i wanted to see him more...I asked him if once a week was okay with him and he said "yeah" in a small voice...?? confused about this... and I said "honestly, once or TWICE a week is fine with me" and he asked "well, which would you rather have?" and i said "twice would be better for me, honestly...because I do want to move slow, but that is REALLY slow for me" (I was being honest here, yet trying not to sound too needy)and he said "well then, we will see how it goes" and then he said "so you like me enough to see me TWICE a week now?" and i said "yes, now don't you feel special?" lol..we were really just being playful here. So he said he would call me on wed. night (tomorrow night) and we would plan to get together, as i have school on tues nights (tonight) and work on thurs. nights.
Basically, that was our conversation in a nutshell. We also talked about my job, etc. and he was being really supportive. He is a really good listener and conversationalist and that's one of the things I like most about him.
My question is-- what caused him to change so suddenly? I mean, not to say that hes CHANGED his mind about my having a kid thing...but it sounds like he is more open to a relationship with me? I mean, he did sound somewhat jealous when he asked about me meeting guys on saturday night, wondering if he was going to have "competition" or not, and he was telling me about how generally people think that my having a kid shouldnt matter that much...etc. AND he actually called me to "just talk" for once....he really has never done that before, as he has said before that he doesn't like talking on the phone, and has just called in the past to basically plan dates.
ANY THOUGHTS AT ALL???? THANKS SO MUCH IN ADVANCE!
Just be careful, that's all you can do. If a guy is interested in you, even if he's dating other women, he still won't like hearing about other men possibly being in the picture. The same goes for women. If I'm dating someone casually and am dating other guys, I still don't want to hear about who they're dating in addition to me.
Everyone is different, but for me, seeing someone once or twice a week is not taking things slow. Taking things slow for me is going on a date once every other week, and only talking on the phone to plan those dates. If I were to see someone more often than that, and was interested in them, I would fall for them much more quickly. Just thought I'd share my POV on that topic.
Edited 5/8/2007 7:36 pm ET by cfk_3
It sounds (to me) like the two of you are having tons of conversation & not really saying much of anything.
As in -- 'what do you want?' 'I dunno, what do YOU want?' 'I'm not sure, what do you want?' Everybody's doing a whole lotta tap dancing & not a whole lot is getting said.
(Quick digression -- I have some friends who would do this whenever we went out to lunch. 'Where do you want to eat?' 'I dunno, where do YOU want to eat?' This would go on until I wanted to shriek. What made it worse was I'd make a suggestion & they'd both shoot it down -- 'oh, no, we ate there last week/just had that type of food/whatever.' There were times when I would seriously contemplate homicide. Ultimately, I kept them as friends, just quit going to eat with them.)
Back on point -- why don't you two sit down & actually TALK instead of tap dancing? You: 'I'd like to go out with you twice a week.' Him: 'That's good with me' or 'nope, once a week is just fine.'
You: 'I'd like us to be exclusive.' Him: 'Me, too.' or 'Nope, I want to play the field.'
Him: 'I want to go on vacation but I have nobody to go with me.' You: 'Are you asking me & my daughter to go on vacation with you?' Him: 'Nope!' or 'Yes!'
I agree with other posters -- you SAY you want to take it slowly, but you're already having sex. You've known this guy for slightly over a month. A month is not even a blip on the radar as far as timelines go. You also say you REALLY like this guy. How well can you actually know someone from phone talks once a week, text messages during the week & face-to-face's once a week? Heck, with that amount of contact/non-contact, even Attila the Hun could be a fun date for a month.
Another red flag (for me) with this guy is his ambivalence about your daughter. (He said -- I am definitely not ready for a kid, but I don't want to throw away this potential relationship...") Definitely sounds like wanting to eat his cake & have it, too. Right now your priorities should be you & your daughter. Period. Guys come & go, you are your daughter's only mom. You need to put her needs first, not your need to have a guy in your life -- especially if the guy sounds like he really doesn't want ANY kids in his life, let alone your kid. I can understand being 23 & wanting to have some fun. We all like to have some spice in our lives. But that has to be secondary to being a good mom to your daughter. She's the innocent bystander in all this.
Now that it's entirely too late to make a long story short -- you two need to stop trying to read each other's minds. It doesn't work on psychic hotlines, it sure doesn't work in real life. Instead of him throwing out a vague comment about vacations, he needs to speak his mind. If he doesn't, then you need to stop trying to read his mind & ASK. Instead of you two talking in generalities about 'being exclusive' -- one of you needs to say 'are we exclusive?' & then wait to see what the other says. If this scares one or both of you off, then so be it. It'll hurt for a while, but you'll get over it. Tap dancing may be a great way to stay in shape, but even professional dancers don't do it ALL the time. If you two are truly meant to be together, then you shouldn't have to tap dance. You should be able to speak your mind & let the chips fall where they may.
PS -- you referred a couple of times to wanting to be pursued. This brings to mind images of the movie 'Nine to Five' with Jane Fonda's character in a pith helmet with a gun 'pursuing' Dabney Coleman's character through the office until she finally 'bags' him & mounts his head on the wall. If you two decide to stay together -- let him know you would like a 'courtship', that you would like to be 'wooed.' It may be horribly old-fashioned, but is sure beats making it sound like you're a rabbit & he's the hound. Things like that rarely end up well.