Women (and Men): How Did I Handle This?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Women (and Men): How Did I Handle This?
5
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 5:54pm

Hi, my name is Acqua. I've been seeing a woman, and were in a situation that I would like your thoughts. I am most interested in other womens' views.

The Background
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Acqua, 31yo, single, had two major multi-year LTR's, and a bunch of other less significant interactions and worthless dates on my record. I am from the States and work for a pharma company on the east coast.

"I", (the woman I'm seeing), 34yo single, a financial officer at a university, and is from Ecuador. When she was in undergrad, she moved to Norway to attend grad school and live with her Norwegian fiancee. She called off the engagement because he was too conservative/religious and after she graduated, moved back to Ecuador in her mid-20's.

In Ecuador, she got married and eventually moved to my east coast city 4 years ago to live with her hubby while he went to grad school. However, he changed and became too controlling of her and they got divorced 3 or 4 years ago. She decided to stay in the states because she wanted to live in a more progressive place where woman are closer to men in status. Right at the turn of the year, her BF of one year dumped her. She knew it wasn't working but the breakup came still surprised her.

The Interaction
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I meet "I" in my French class in February and we start to study together, have coffee and eat dinner for a few weeks. Then she invites me over to her condo and we watched movies, talked and studied. Then in March, we start to kiss and sit on the couch and talk late into the night. I noticed a naked Xmas tree, asked her about it, and she said its from her exBF and she lost instructions on how to get it down. (I did try to take the bugger down but the damn branches wouldn't move, but I took note).

Anyways, things get more physical and I get the feeling there was a good chance she may want to have sex...but I don't go there in part because of the exBF...I don't want to be a rebound guy. About another month goes by and we continue to spend a few days a week together, I sleep over often, but we just mainly kiss, cuddle a tad more physically but I still hold off from pushing her to give me more.

Two weekends ago, she told me in bed, that she wants to take things slow, she used to love her exBF, doesn't want a Rship yet, really loves spending time with me, and doesn't want to get hurt. I quickly agree and I spent the night, physically things slow down a bit. Later that week, just wanted me to join her and her friends for drinks but I couldn't make it, but I did join her last Fri for her Bday with her friends. I slept over her place each night last weekend, just light cuddling. She shows me pictures from a recent business trip, but woops...a pic of her and the exBF is there....

The Stupidity
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I stupidly ask her if she still has feelings for him, and she said to talk about it in the morning. Sunday morning, everything is fine and we sit on the couch, cuddle and she reiterates that she wants to take it slow, see each-other as friends first, because she also doesn't want to hurt me. I stupidly ask again if she has feelings for her exBF, and she intensely looks in my eyes and says, "I really enjoy spending time with you." I spike of anger and pain hits me and I quietly turn my head away. We sit there quietly as she cries. I told her I'll give her time, and she said we'll talk more after French class on Tuesday. I left her place fairly quickly feeling a bit flustered still.

Tuesday, she emailed me to tell me that she can't come to French class because she has to catch up on a Wednesday class (a credit class, versus the non-credit Tuesday). My intuition also told me she didn't want to meet me and go through that conversation again and see me possibly get upset again.

A huge feeling of panic hits me during class....I barely concentrate and hold tears back. Feeling that I STUPIDLY forced her to bring up the subject again, and left like a brat. I text message her to ask her if she wants me to get handouts for her the class and she says thanks.

Wednesday morning, I email her a bunch of attachments from class. I then write an apology for bringing up the subject again, and making her cry. I also said that if she still wanted to hangout with me, I promise not to bring up the subject or pressure her again.

She replies within an hour, that there was no need to apologize, I've always been very kind and sweet to her and feels bad she can only offer friendship at the moment. She'd love to be my friend and to hang out this weekend but has a friend coming in town, but can chat with me over food after French next Tuesday.

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I'm not sure if she'll show up to class next week....what are your thoughts on the situation in the past and what might happen? I'm considering to see other people if "I" and I still hangout just to protect myself....

Thanks

Acqua

Edited 4/26/2007 6:01 pm ET by acqua_di_gio




Edited 4/26/2007 11:04 pm ET by acqua_di_gio
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 6:34pm
I honestly think that you should just let go of the possibility of seeing this woman in a romantic sense. When someone is getting over an ex relationship then they aren't available to start a new one and this is what she's trying to tell you. I think if you can handle being friends with her then do that, but if it will only get your hopes up for more and if you can't cut out the physical stuff then don't go there. I do think getting yourself out there and dating is the right thing to do because it might be a long long time before this woman gets over her ex and you don't want to be the rebound man or it also could just be her way of telling you that she doesn't see you in a romantic sort of a way and trying to let you down easily.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 7:17pm

My honest opinion is that she's using you to fill the void that her ex left.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 10:21pm
Acqua, She just wants to be friends at this point so I think that you have every right to start dating other women. You are also correct in that, if you do so, I think you will be much less likely to be hurt in the long run.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 11:06pm

"She already said she still loves her ex."

No, actually thats not true. I typed "she said she loved her exBF" was past-tense at the time she told me, not past-tense in the sense that she told me she "loves her exBF" the other day.

Acqua

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 11:55pm
oh, Acqua,.... she is a mess and you are wise to NOT have slept with her. Yep, you're the rebound guy, unfortunately for you, and the person this post who said for you to move on is right. It's the best bet in terms of your best interests. She seems to have a lot of issues to work through and doesn't know what she wants, whereas you are clearly interested in her.