Women are just my friends I guess

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Women are just my friends I guess
19
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 5:01am

Ok I'll be honest, I just got home...it's late...I am drunk...and a little pissed off to put it mildy.

I am Italian so containing emotions is not one of my strong suits but I am done with trying to meet women and pursue them as anything other then friends...I love having women as friends because honestly they are easier to talk to and confide in but as far as relationships...it's just not worth it anymore...I wish I wasnt attracted to women the way I am...it only aggravates me and my situation...I am going to have to train myself to not be attracted to women I suppose.

I wish things were simple...I want girls as friends but I am sick of being attracted to them...it just just messes everything up!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 2:55pm

Again you're just in pity party mode and not attempting to solve the situation.

You write "I just dont feel like I have anything to talk to anyone about unless it whining like I am doing right now." Well, what can you do to change that? Do you read the newspaper? Watch TV? Go to movies? Read books/magazines? Have a hobby? A job or career? Get out and do things that interest you besides writing on this board. If you PARTICIPATE in life rather than whine about it, you will have PLENTY to talk about. Women are just normal people too--some are interested in politics, food, sports, religion--so start talking to various women about those things that interest you & that you are participating in and eventually you'll find one who has the same interests as you. Everyone has something in common with at least SOMEONE out there....so again, pursue your own interests and ultimately you'll find those who also like the same things and have something in common with you.

I don't mean to be harsh, but its frsutrating to see you posting the same complaints over and over again and ignoring the advice people are giving you--in truth, it seems like you really DON'T want to fix the problem--you feel you're weird, unusual, have nothing in common with anyone....yet you aren't even doing anything to fix that....and taking that approach means you are just going to continue to be miserable and have no self-esteem. People with low self esteem put out an aura that tends to turn people away from them--causing their self esteem to plummet even lower--its a vicious cycle. WOrk on fixing your self esteem and you will begin attracting people like magic. The old adage is true: someone can only love you as much as you love yourself. So as soon as you begin to love yourself and take positive steps to improve your life I think you will see fantastic results. I know its scary to venture into the world and put yourself out there, but you just need to tell yourself you're a good person and you're going to do the best you can and quit comparing yourself to other people or caring what they think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 1:40pm
You are completely right. This is the last you will hear from me on this topic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 1:47pm
Yes, I think Riskitgirl was right to say that at some point, you just need to go out and practice it--meeting women, talking to them, having good time, doing things together, gaining experience. Dating may be the same as riding bicycle--you can read all about it but you only learn to do it when you get a bike, go out there and practice. I think that's what she was trying to say, and I agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 1:57pm

Well I decided to do something this weekend, specifically tonight.

I am going to go out with my friends and go up to as many girls as I can and try to see how I do. I have no social skills so I am really awkward when introducing myself but I will just do it enough maybe I will get better and get used to feeling weird when approaching people. See how it goes.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 07-07-2006 - 2:03pm
That's good! Just take it easy, don't set any particular goals (like having to hook up with at least 5 girls, or something like that), try to approach girls who you really want to approach, and just have some good time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 10:18pm

Riskitgirl,

Once again, an excellent post. Well said.

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 5:05am

OK I did what I said I was going to do which was approach several women and talk to them to get over my social anxieties around women.

Well the first few I just walked up to and said hi and grinned goofily and stared….I did this on purpose just to embarrass myself so I could get over my fear early on. Plus my friends got a kick out of me acting like an idiot. Lol. But after the first two I got shy anyway and then my friend came up and whispered in my ear that a girl had been looking at me for quite a while. I glanced over at her and saw her…..I had noticed her when I walked in…she had been with a bunch of friends and she was quite an eye catcher. But then I just kind of forgot about her but when my friend said something and I looked over at who he was talking about, I recognized her. But this time she was at a table by herself, completely alone….

It made no sense…why was someone sitting ALL alone? She just had a bunch of friends around her and now she was all alone?.....well about 15 -20 minutes passed and she was just sitting there… still all alone….this just seemed weird to me. I started to worry about her, so I went up to her and was openly honest and asked her what she was doing. She said nothing and I asked her where her friends were b/c I had seen her with friends earlier and now for her to sit alone in a place like this was asking for trouble. She looked at me confused….I explained to her she was going to get some guy coming on to her that she didn’t want coming on to her, and that an attractive girl alone in a bar with a lot of guys around is just asking for trouble. She explained her friends were in the other room (the bar had a separate room full of pool tables and arcade games). I asked why she didn’t go in there with her friends and she said because she wanted to stay where she was….and I asked- “all alone?” and she simply said… “Yeah….I was worried about guys coming up to me, but there was one guy I was hoping would come up to me”…..and she smiled at me.

I took the hint and got up from the table and left her alone….My friend points her out and she overtly hits on me…..come on I am not that stupid. I was being put on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 10:36am
Well, at least you had some fun and gained experience. Good job. Keep it up and go out regularly, and everything will start coming naturally.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 6:38pm

Sounds like you had a good first start! I'm glad you took a proactive approach! But I still don't see what you are doing to make yourself have more in common with these women so you have something to talk about? Again, your focus is purely on going up to women you are attracted to and talking to them with the intent of "getting them". Instead, focus on making yourself more interesting so you'll think "I"m damn interesting that OF COURSE a girl would be interested in talking to me, and if she's not, no big deal, her loss (or she must be pretty boring herself not to be interested in YOUR interesting life)."

Here's a challenge--for the next month, instead of focusing on "getting" a girl or approaching ones you think you're attracted to, try a dating sabattical--go out with the mindset that you are NOT looking for a girl to date--you're not going to try and get a phone number, you're not going to ask a girl out and you're not going to care what any girl thinks of you for a whole month--in fact, even if a girl asks for your phone number you're not going to give it to her!! Instead for the next month focus on making your life more interesting--join a club you think you'd enjoy, pick up a new hobby, etc. By building your self-esteem in other areas and becoming more confident about your life in general you will also naturally become less concerned what women think of you and in an ironic result, will probalby end up attracting more women. The key is, you have to focus on doing this for YOU not just b/c it will make you more attractive to women. Truly become more happy with your life and the results will follow. You're still so young yet, enjoy your freedom and don't worry so much about getting a girlfriend.

Furthermore, in the next month, when you ARE out, practice just talking to girls like you would a guy you wanted to be FRIENDS with--ie no feelings of attraction, just friendship. Pretend you are playing a game where your only object during this month is to talk to as many different women as you can & learn about what interests that particular woman--regardless of whether you are attracted to her or not. IN fact, make it a point to talk to you do not find attractive. I think this will help you get a lot more familiar with women and ease a lot of your anxiety. To be honest, a lot of women (myself included) hate when guys come up to them for the sole, express purpose of hitting on them...on the other hand, if a guy just comes up and talks to us as a normal human being, we are often more than happy to talk to them and get to know them. And if the conversation goes well for a while, at the end, we will probably respond favorably if you ask for our number. Unlike men, women initially focus a lot more on PERSONALITY and will decide whether or not to give their number a lot of times simply based on a guy's approach--and contrary to popular belief, a guy who comes on too strong will not be successful. On the other hand, a guy who can carry a conversation & make them laugh will almost always be a winner. Remember, girls (at least the smart ones) can spot the guy who is simply going up to every girl in the room looking to get a phone number without any particularity a mile away. That SCREAMS desperation & turns girls off.

Finally, but most importantly, keep in mind, that just because a girl is "hot" does not mean she's nice/kind/cool, etc.--your goal should not automatically be to get her number the second you see her across a bar, but to engage in a conversation long enough to decide if she's not only HOT, but also has an attractive personality. Approach each conversation as a "fishing expedition" where YOU'LL decide if this girl is even worthy of you asking her number. Quit thinking "hot" automatically equals "datable". This in turn will also make you much less desperate and have a corresponding increase in your success.

P.S. Check out the site doubleyourdating.com. A guy friend of mine asked me to read it and tell him what I thought and the second I was done reading it I KNEW it was dead on. The type of guy described on that site is the guy all women are looking for & once you read it, you'll see automatically what was wrong with how you talked to the girl you approached Sat. night (the one who was sitting alone). If you could master the techniques on this website, you will be much happier with your life AND a chic magnet! I have absolutely no affiliation to the site personally, so have nothing to gain by recommending it, but I really do think its a great site.

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