Women who can’t let go
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 07-15-2005 - 11:25am |
Is there any obligation to remain friends with Ex’s? I have tried to remain friends with all the women I have dated but the friendship almost always breaks down and I end up ceasing contact altogether. This is because they ended up being more possessive and demanding as a friend. I don’t think I have ever mistreated any of my girlfriends and I break-up in the most honourable way possible. My most recent ex is now using all the tricks in the book to try and keep our friendship together but I know it can’t work (I think she is in love with me but she has denied it).
She has written a few e-mails since I told her our friendship can’t work and is using words like “incomprehensible”, “destroy” and ”extreme” to imply that my decision to end our friendship is ridiculous and that my reaction will result in a bleaker future. She insists that she is perfectly fine about my decision and that I am the one who is upset!
Can someone please explain???

Pages
Sounds like she needs to get a grip.
Hal,
When I was younger, I never believed that women had a tougher time letting go. All of my relationships until my late 20s ended in the opposite manner - I had long before let go but the men in my life didn't seem capable of it. As I have grown older, my perceptions have changed just by observing those around me. I do think that women are more likely to get attached, or more specifically, pin a lot of hoped for the future on those attachments.
I am friends with all of my exes with the exception of one. I tried being friends with him but I was desperately in love with him and, on some level, always hoped that he would change his mind about us. This went on for a year when I finally told him that I couldn't do it anymore. It was tough for us both - he wouldn't even say goodbye - but it was the right thing to do and we both agreed. But never in that year that we were friends did I say anything to him like this girl has said to you. I just don't see the point in trying to force someone to be in your life. We both knew that I was hurting just being around him but it took a year for us to be able to let go and, in the end, I think that's OK. We needed that time to let go of one another by degrees.
The other women on this board may flame me for this, but I honestly feel that women are more likely to lie to themselves (and the men in their lives) about their wants and needs. My most recent ex and I are good friends and talk about everything. He was dating a girl for about 6 months and, even without meeting her, I could tell that she was really attached to him from what he said about their relationship. He told her from the beginning that he never wanted to get serious and she kept telling him that it was fine with her if they just remained casual and I said. "Uh-huh. We'll see about that." It turns out that she really did harbor big hopes for him and, when he realized this, he broke it off with her because he knew it wasn't going to happen and felt that breaking up was the only honorable thing to do. She got extremely upset and her reaction mad ehim realize that he'd made the right decision.
It seems to me that you probably made the right decision in breaking up with this girl. In my opinion, you have no obligation to be friends with her unless you feel it yourself. When the man who broke my heart broke up with me, he felt an obligation to me because he had been the source of my heartbreak and wanted to somehow soothe the pain that he had inflicted. But that just can't happen. I continued to turn to him in times of need for months and all it did was prevent me from moving on. This girl needs to turn to her friends for help and companionship. It seems to me like no contact is the only way to go.
Sorry for the rambling - it's a very slow day in the office.
Jules
Jules,
I can identify with almost everything you wrote. I think I get myself into these situations because of the reason you mentioned ie/ “he felt an obligation to me because he had been the source of my heartbreak and wanted to somehow soothe the pain that he had inflicted.” Although it’s difficult to say absolutely because she has always maintained that she is not in love with me and I didn’t break her heart. Probably the reason I thought a friendship was possible.
I tried to break up with her once before because I didn’t have the strong romantic feelings that she did. She insisted that it wasn’t a problem and we should remain friends. We saw each other twice since then, the first time I spent the weekend with her and we ended up having sex and the second time we ended up kissing passionately. She was the seducer each time. I know I am a hypocrite, I shouldn’t have succumbed to her advances but passions can still exist after a break up and she didn’t allow enough time for them to dissipate. She wanted me to visit her again and I was reluctant because I didn’t want her to think we were getting back together.
The following day I received a scathing e-mail in which she accused me of playing games with her emotions and I explained to her that remaining friends is a bad idea. She then gave me three options
1) Lovers 2) Friends 3) Nothing
She said she was fine with whatever I decided and I explained that “Nothing” was the only option because the other two haven’t really been successful. She replied with another 3 emails, each one critical of my decision and behaviour (interspersed with compliments). I ignored them.
Three weeks later (1 week ago) she sent me a short email about a movie that she wants me to see but I ignored it. A few days ago she sent me an e-mail with an mp3 that she wanted me to listen to, I ignored it. Then yesterday she sent me another e-mail with the usual condescending remarks interspersed with compliments only this time I replied saying it was ironic that she gives me choices but I am forbidden to choose. She replied with more criticism interspersed with the odd compliment and hence this saga.
I used to try to be friends, but I now realize it was because I wanted to hold on to someone.
Shy,
>Ignoring four or five, then responding to the
>sixth is still encouragement.
Unfortunately I am very familiar and well practised in the art of ignoring.
They say the most dangerous words in an investor's vocabulary is: "This time is different"
I think it also applies to dating!
"Unfortunately I am very familiar and well practised in the art of ignoring." Obviously, you are not if you responded to her at all. In her desperate and rationalizing mind, she may take your response as "he still cares".
I can't believe you slept with her. I realize that you admit this was a mistake but, when will you guys learn??? Jeez ; )
If there is any rule in life, it is this: you NEVER stay friends with an ex. There is a reason why he/she is an ex--the relationship just didn't work. As you have already learned, a friendship with an ex won't work any more than the relationship did. If your ex asks if you can still be friends, it's often because she still has feelings for you and wants to get back together. I'm not saying that's true all of the time, but it's true a lot of the time.
You need to stand your ground and refuse any further contact with this woman. That's the only way you will ever get her out of your life.
Well, it would have been better not to have sex with her but I am the last person to judge you for it since I have BTDT. Even though it may be ironic, don't reply to her emails. Can you block her email address? That's what I would do if I were you.
Nice guys do want to stick around to help the women that they have hurt but, I'm telling you, you can't help her. It seems like you know this but I felt the need to say it again because it's so important. My ex and I actually were not going to be friends after we broke up - too difficult for me. Then, 3 months later, my best friend died of breast cancer and almost everyone I knew was out of town since it was in August. I had to pull off of the highway for crying so hard after I left her funeral and I called him. That night really was just about him comforting me (and not related to our breakup at all), but once that contact was reestablished, we were traveling down a road that could only lead to further heartbreak.
Ignoring her is the best plan of action as I see it.
Pages