Women who love too much
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| Mon, 01-30-2006 - 11:06am |
So I read this whole book this weekend. GREAT book - especially (but not exclusively) for women who've come from and/or are in relationships that have addictions in them... addictions to drugs and/or alcohol, as well as those addicted to food. CHOCOLATE!!!! :)
It talks about how we want to believe we can love a man into being what we need. How we see potential and not all the signs that a man shows at the GET GO that a relationship with him will not be healthy for us. It also talks about how our nuclear family as a child influences who we become women who "love too much" want to be care-takers and nurturing. But we can only display and carry out our ways on men who need us to take care of them... and while we hope they'll get "well" (whatever his unhealthy behavior is - alcoholism, drug addict, emotionally unavailable, etc.) if they ever do get well, we feel left out in the cold because they don't need us to take care of them, we aren't working to love them enough to make them better... they are better. So we go and seek a new person who needs us to love them... and the pattern continues.
One part of the book REALLY made me think of this post I made...
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsinglelovi&msg=6128.7
it talks about women who love too much try to control situations so that way they know what to expect; on the other hand, a woman who is eager to take control and take on the responsibility of the relationship... will attract men who will let her... she'll start wondering why he never takes initiative or does much for the relationship but she already set it up that SHE would be the one to initiate and take care of things... maybe you girls that "wait" on a man don't have it so backwards after all.
I HIGHLY recommend this book for any woman who has found or continues to find her in relationships that just don't seem to work... you might find some answers... like I found!!!!
Anyone already read it and have some thoughts? Anyone identify with anything I've said? Comments... questions!? :p

I agree, it's a very helpful book. I re-read it recently after not reading it for 7-8 years, and while I have worked on and been somewhat successful in breaking my previous pattern of getting involved with men who are unavailable on some level, I realized that I'd actually done it again with my most recent relationship. I asked all the right questions in the beginning and got the right answers, but once it became clear that he wasn't who he said he was in the beginning, I was far too emotionally involved to extricate myself and the relationship went on for about a year too long (because I kept hoping he'd get back to being the man showed me in the beginning but of course that was an illusion). Hopefully I will be more aware that those issues are still there for me next time around.
Sheri
>>because I kept hoping he'd get back to being the man showed me in the beginning but of course that was an illusion<<
I think we women tend to do this a lot. I know I have. You get this picture of what you think a guy is, and then he turns out to be something else. It's hard to let go of that illusion. I think that's a big reason why I hate the beginning stages of a relationship... because I know that it's a lot of romance and illusion - but the real stuff comes later.
I haven't read this book, but it sounds like it might be an interesting one.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Yes, it is pretty common I think. What was especially frustrating about this situation was that he actively worked on getting me to buy that image, and when his true personality came out down the road, he'd actually say things to me like "the man you fell in love with is still in here, I'm just going through a rough time, he'll come back"...and I believed him, because his father had just died (and then there were other "good" excuses after that). So the deliberate manipulation of the truth to get me to fall in love with him and stay with him is something that was new to me this time around (in the past, I think it was more me projecting and hoping than the guy deliberately trying to show himself as someone he wasn't). I have done some reading about narcissism recently and it turns out that this is classic narcissistic behavior...deliberately manipulating the image they project.
I both love and hate the beginning stages...the butterflies and hopes that maybe, just maybe, THIS guy will be different, are wonderful, but you have to take everything with a HUGE grain of salt and keep telling yourself, time will tell. I just met someone Sat night who seems really cool, but who knows if we'll even have a 2nd date (he's emailed me since and says he wants to see me but who knows if it'll really happen)...I need to keep the excitement in check.
Sheri
Ooh, that's bad. It's terrible when someone actively messes with your head like that. It would never occur to me to do that to someone! I think it is helpful to read books on psychology at that point, to realize that the problem was his and not yours.
Good luck with the new guy. I think it's ok to hope - when we stop hoping, I think that's the end of dating being enjoyable. But, you are right, at the beginning stages, you do have to take things with a grain of salt.
It feels like an endless cycle sometimes... meet someone, hope it will go well, it goes well for awhile, disappointment... and then it starts over. Eventually, maybe it will just continue to go well, even in spite of those inevitable relationship speed bumps, and then you know it's the right person.
Yes, I am still hoping. :)
AJ, enjoying life with C.