Would you date a guy who doesn't have car.......??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Would you date a guy who doesn't have car.......??
16
Sun, 09-08-2013 - 8:05am

Hi Everyone,

Happy Sunday!! I hope everyone is enjoying their week-end.

So things have been busy with the new job but I managed to get myself out to a singles dance in my area on Friday night.  The venue was very nice.....it's close to where I live and basically accessible by public transit.  I drove, as generally I'm a driver and it was a good 15-20 minute drive from where I live.

It wasn't that busy - typical older guys/women.......tried to make the best of it and chat with a few people who I've known over the years who attend these events.  There was one guy in particular that I've seen many times.  He is younger and attractive, but he always seemed a bit awkward (nothing wrong with that!!) but interested in various women.  Well I guess he focused his attentions on me on Friday night.......he walked me out to my car, we exchanged numbers and he mentioned going for dinner the next day.  I gave him a hug goodnight and just thought okay......we'll see what happens.

He called me later on in the afternoon yesterday (Saturday)........frankly I was beat from the week of work, plus I had done laundry the night before after work (before going to the dance) and had done grocery shopping yesterday morning.......I hadn't really been home yet to relax all week.  Anyhow......he did want to go for dinner and "dancing" afterward......I asked him where he would like to go and he mentioned going for dinner in this "suburb" (about 40 kms away from where I live)......and then going dancing in this "suburb" (acually......same area where I work) but totally on the opposite side of the city - I'm talking a 60 km drive from A to B.  Then 40 kms home from B.

I casually asked him if he drove and he said "No......I have a drivers licence, but because I live in the city I don't own a car".  Hmm........so I was supposed to drive on our date to these various locales?? I found him odd and said that I was just relaxing - maybe another night.  He persisted a few times in offering other alternatives (even asking if him not having a car was a problem) but basically I just let him know I wasn't up for going out that night.  He sent me another text saying sorry to pressure me.....but anyways......

I'm not sure I see a future with this guy, but the car situation made me question.......if he knew he didn't have a car (but lived downtown.......I am fairly close to downtown)........why not say "I don't have a car, but do you want to meet somewhere (central) for dinner??".  I wouldn't have been put off by that at all, however, the concept that we were going to go on a "date" where I was basically driving him around the suburbs.......I don't know......that seemed preposterous.......

I know it sounds chivalrous - I don't expect guys to drive an expensive car, etc. but I recall in younger years going out with guys and having to drive......it just didn't seem right.....

I guess it's on my list (and has been for a while) - a guy has to have a car - it doesn't need to be any great shakes, but......it makes me wonder.....

Anyone else here on the board feel the same?? Any date experiences when *you* were the driver.......??

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

You are right in a way but I wouldnt discount someone because they didnt have a car but I wouldnt want to be driving someone around on a date either... I like what you said when you could have met him somewhere ..

If you start setting things up like this it wont end.. Dr.Phil says we teach people how to treat us; so this guy could get used to you doing all of the driving and all...

It could cause a problem down the road but a car is a material thing and if he is a great guy why would it matter. Just dont let him take advantage of you and your car....

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002

Hi,

Yes, I agree.  I wouldn't totally write a guy off because he doesn't have a car.  It is just a material asset and depending on where you live, it's not a necessity.

I think he wanted to impress me on the first date, but it seems odd to me that he suggested going waaay out of the city in one direction, then off to the next (and home) when he doesn't drive.  If I were a guy (or even if I didn't have a car myself) I would suggest something that was a bit more of a compromise.

I think that men look to women nowadays financially almost as much as women look to men.........I think that's one of the reasons why dating has changed so much over the last few years......

Anyways!! I think he may text me today......we will see what he has to say........!!

M

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999

It's highly unusual for someone in Nashville not to own a car so this has never happened to me.  We are a smaller city, no subway, etc. and everything is really spread out.  It's nothing to drive half an hour, 45 minutes to get to work or to a social event.  If I were in a larger city like NY or something it wouldn't bother me but I hate to say, it would probably be a deal breaker.  

I also find it strange that someone without a car would want to travel to the suburbs for a date.  He lives in the city, why not make it easier on the both of you?  It would almost make me wonder If he were avoiding something or someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012

Personally I would stay away. The fact he doesn't own a car isn't as bothersome as the fact he wanted you to pick him up and drive him all over town. He sounds like a user.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
In KC, we have buses, but to get to them you have to drive to commuter lots so driving is important. I wouldn't date a guy without a car, because here that means he'd be bumming rides from everyone all the time. I need a guy who's independent. Your guy definitely should have suggested something that didn't require driving. I'd call him out on it, just to see what he says. If you don't see a future, it doesn't matter much anyway.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002

Hi,

Thanks for all of your input.  I am in a pretty metropolitan area, so it does happen that people don't have cars.  But, suggesting a date in the suburbs under those circumstances is odd......

I am usually not one to judge because I can be socially awkward (can't we all at times)......but the times I've seen him in the past at the dances he seemed awkward.  Just the things he would say like - "by the way - I really like you" or "by the way I think you're really good looking".  I know that sounds normal, but when you're dancing and someone says that, it's a bit different (I think you'd have to be there).  He also has asked me before to go to a quiet place to talk......again, normal in a way I guess but it's like he's *auditioning* you.  When he walked me to my car also, he gave me a hug and then I think he was going to try to kiss me on the lips. I turned away and he kissed my cheek and he said sorry......

When we talked yesterday he was very persistent in asking to get together......I just told him flat out that I just started a new job this month and I hadn't had much down time, etc.  He later texted me apologizing and saying he "wasn't acting wisely" by pressuring me to go out.....

The whole things add up to awkwardness.......I guess that's why things haven't worked out all that well for him.  I told him to text or call me today or we'd talk this week.  He said "Well - do you want me then to text you, or call you.......??".  I guess now I know how men feel when women get all obsessive about little things.  There is some possibility I would see him, but if its going to be a hassle......well......probably not!! Lol.

Nice still to get out......you never know what's around the corner Smile

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010

I am 50 years old and live in Manhattan. I have never owned a car. This isn't so uncommon where I live. . However, for a first date, as a general rule, I would not ask a woman to drive me on a major expedition. I'd take her somewhere readily accessible by foot and/or public transportation. His choice for a first date is odd, IMO. I think you are making the right choice by moving on here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006

It does depend on the situation. However, i personally would not do it anymore. I have tried it several times with different guys because i wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. In the end, i racked up tons of miles on my car (which i'm paying for now) and in some cases extra money for gas. I noticed some commonalities in these guys and that's when i smartened up and stopped. There was always an underlying reason why they didn't have a car and it was not good. Mainly the issues were due to poor choices, immaturity, and or laziness. I'm done with that! I don't know where you live, but usually some people do opt to use public transportation for various reasons... Nothing wrong with that. But, i would watch this guy as you two get more familiar and see how he talks and if he 'expects' you to become his mode of transportation for dates. I live in FL where you pretty much need a car to get around. So, my antenna goes up when i hear a man say he doesn't have a car because there's usually a sketchy reason behind it as i have learned. Much luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

The things he's said to you in the past sound creepy. I wouldn't feel safe alone in a car with him. Anyway, with any first or second date, people should meet at a public place without one picking up the other. When I was single, I met a guy at a diner for our first date. He was attractive, had a good job, and we talked about normal things. I liked him. On our second date, I started to see his craziness come out. Thank God he didn't know where I lived, since we met at a public place again. Even though you've seen this guy a couple times at dances, you really don't know him. Be safe if you decide to meet up with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I live in the suburbs where practically every adult has a car.  It's possible to get around w/o one, but it takes some planning.  But sometimes people who live right in Boston (closest big city) don't have a car cause it could be expensive, sometimes hard to find parking and if you live right near the subway & maybe work in the city also, you don't need it.  I know my boss' sister & brother both don't have cars (and are always bumming rids off him!)  So I wouldn't think it would be that odd for an adult man not to have a car if he lived in the city (and as Trenner said--in NYC I'm sure a lot more people don't have cars).

But say a guy who lived in Boston w/ no car asked me out--if it was some event in Boston, maybe I would drive in to meet him--I often drive in anyway and I work there.  But I'd be annoyed if he said something like why don't you pick me up in Boston and then we'll drive to another suburb on the opposite side so you can do all the driving?  I don't think that would make a good impression on the 1st date at all.  In fact, in Boston now they have something called Zipcar, where you can rent a car for a day or even less I think so I think that the theoretical person with no car should do something like that--arrange to rent or borrow a car if he wants to take you out.  It's different when you're in a relationship, but at the beginning, shouldn't the guy be trying to impress you a little if he wants to date you, not expect you to go out of your way?

Maybe if you are unsure about him, you could just arrange to meet him at another dance.

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