Yet again, I have a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Yet again, I have a problem.
13
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 12:16am

This guy contacted me on a dating site back in mid March. We've been talking on msn/phone and going on "dates" (or at least what I think are dates) ever since. He is usually the one who msgs me first when he comes online, and with the exception of one time, he's always the one asking me out.

Now here is where things get confusing. We've been out about 6 times, but not once has he made a move to kiss me. Which is why I am confused about our status - are we seeing each other or are we just friends? (I had mentioned in my profile that I'm just looking for ppl to hang out with, BUT if something were to happen I wouldn't oppose it) Anyway, he went away for the long weekend and his laptop is supposedly broken which is why he hasn't been online in a week. I txt msged his cell that Friday wishing him a good trip, and he called me back later and chatted for a bit (that's how I found out about his laptop). Anyway, I told him to call me when he gets back....still no call.

This is so frustrating. 1) does he even like me? (but then again, if he didn't he wouldn't keep talking or asking me out?) and 2) has he lost interest? (if he has, he wouldn't have responded to my txt msg by calling me, right?)

Sorry this is so long...but I could REALLY use some advice. Thank you!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 3:01am

Hi cottonballbaby,

If you met on a dating site then I would say he would be showing much more interest by now, so I am inclined to say he isn't that into you. What did he say he was looking for in his profile?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 8:56am

He didn't say what he was looking for exactly, but I'm assuming that it is to find people to hang out with & date.

You don't think that him asking me out every week isn't showing interest? I guess a small part of me doesn't want to believe that he's lost interest or never was in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 1:32pm

>You don't think that him asking me out
>every week isn't showing interest?

He isn't showing any romantic interest. But remember, you did say in your profile that you were looking for people to hang out with so you can't really complain. Be careful what you ask for because you might get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 10:29am

1) does he even like me? (but then again, if he didn't he wouldn't keep talking or asking me out?)

==> I'd say he does like you to some degree (perhaps friendship level).

and 2) has he lost interest? (if he has, he wouldn't have responded to my txt msg by calling me, right?)

==> Yes I think it's also possible that he's lost interest. Why? Only he and God know why. Maybe he met someone else he's more attracted to. Maybe there's something about you two that he found incompatible. Maybe it's just his nature to be that way. The point is: don't let that bother you. Let's assume he's lost interest. So what? Just try to keep your feelings (and be really really really honest with yourself) at the friendship level as well. That way you won't be so frustrated. And please keep your options open. If you honestly think he's truly a good catch and want to ride it for a while more, do so with your heart closed. And I think it's a lot harder for us, women, to control our feelings than our actions (at least for me anyway). I can act like I'm not that interested in a man and be cool with the situation (especially early in the beginning) but if I can't control my feelings, eventually I will act either desperate or pushy. So work on your inner feelings first.

I'm in a similar boat with a guy I've been seeing for almost 2 months. He's a perfect gentleman when we go out; he makes dates in advance, and calls when he says he will. BUT he rarely calls and his calls last about 2 minutes each time!!! We've kissed and been somewhat intimate (not "that" far). There were moments when I thought he really really liked me but overall, I was extremely frustrated. I admit I might have given in too fast and that might have made him lose interest in me, but I can't torture myself over that anymore. I came to this contentment last night and will try to hold my chin up moving forward. The whole situation was very frustrating for me since he's the first guy I find compatible with me in a long time (on a lot of grounds) and hence, I found myself like him a lot more than he (probably) likes me at this point. It is sad to admit, but it is the truth. And I'm working - diligently - on controlling my feelings to keep him at the frienship level in my heart right now, and that just automatically takes away my frustration, anger, and endless thoughts... All right, I'll stop rambling before I start thinking about him again :) :) :)

Good luck, hun, and please work on your inner feelings first. I hope this tip will help: whenever you start thinking about him and wondering what his actions mean, assume the worst case scenario: he's lost interest; he only thinks of you as a friend. So now what? Do you want him as a friend? If yes, keep your feelings at the frienship level as well in regard to him. That will take away your frustration. If no, you can bring it up to him one last time and see what he says, but be prepared to walk away after the talk. Most importantly, do you think he's truly a good guy (i.e. good enough for you to respect and keep as a friend if he doesn't have romantic feelings toward you)? If you think he has some major character flaws, then perhaps you're better off not having him AT ALL in your life (friend or not).

HUGS!!!
icuryy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 12:59pm
It does seem unfortunately, that the guy may just have a slight interest but not too much of one or just a friendship interest in this case. This is why dating is so tough. It's super hard to find someone that is into you just as much as you are into them. It's like finding a needle in a haystack really. Good luck to you with this. Icurvy had some good advice to give to you, keep your options open and try to keep your feelings in check and think about him in a casual manner and more of in a friendship way (easier said than done) and if something comes out of it great, if not then you haven't really invested too much in this guy. I'm trying to do the same myself with a dating situation I'm in. It's a lot easier said than done though. If you feel for someone, you feel for them and it's hard to shut off your feelings. The best way to keep your emotions in check is to not be physical with the guy because the physical stuff always gets us more attached because we women produce that oxytocin hormone with sex. I just keep wondering why can't I find someone where the feelings are equal and mutual, how hard is that. I guess it's harder than I thought!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:56pm

"If you feel for someone, you feel for them and it's hard to shut off your feelings" ==> Can't agree more!!! And that's why they say controlling yourself is the TOUGHEST thing in life. I truly believe it's 100 times harder to control ourselves than controlling someone else.

"I just keep wondering why can't I find someone where the feelings are equal and mutual, how hard is that" ==> Same goes for me. And it's so frustrating for me since I know I have a lot to offer, and hence it is hard for me to find someone with whom I feel compatible, and when I do, guess what: He's not THAT into me (very sad to admit!). Sometimes I do wonder if I should just "date down" and settle for someone who loves me instead of searching for the one I'm attracted to and hoping he'd reciprocate! I just broke off a 3 year LTR because of that "settling" feeling, so I don't think I'll do that again any time soon, but I can't help wondering sometimes!

Actually, I'm reading a book on practicing stillness instead of trying so hard to look for that special someone, so that's what I'm doing for now! Que sera, sera!

Hugs,
icuryy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 3:26pm
I hear ya on all of that. Hugs to you too. I feel like I have a lot to offer as well and that sometimes I date down just so I'll be accepted by the man and I always end up wanting to leave the relationship or thinking that I"ve settled one way or another. I'm trying to up my standards and date at my level but I've noticed that it's harder that way and the men that I really like and am attracted to and have their stuff together are also picky as well. I know I think WAY too much about the dating stuff and it is starting to get too much. Concentrating on being still and being in the moment and going with the flow is the answer to that and most important listening to ourselves and what makes us happy... I've been trying to work on that and sometimes I'm good but lately I've been falling back into old obsessing patterns and I just need to stop thinking so much lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 4:26pm

Thank you icuryy3007 and biochi2004! Your advice is priceless!

So let me update you on the situation.
The last time we spoke (before last night) was last Friday. He was going away for the long weekend and it just so happened that his computer brokedown as well. So he hasn't been online to talk all this week. I was going crazy! So I finally got up the courage to call him last night and we talked for a bit...and he asked if I wanted to hang out tonight! Of course I said yes.

I'm trying my best not to be pushy and I don't think I've been pushy (I contacted him twice in two weeks?!) Anyway, I've gotten advice from various people. Some say that I should be up front with him and ask him what he's looking for or where he sees "this" going, but then there are those who think that if I bring this up with him, it'll make him run the opposite direction.

To answer your questions.. Yes I do think he's a good guy. Some of my friends have met him and also think he's a good guy. He's university educated, has a stable career, athletic, outgoing, goofy yet witty, cultured!! - just an overall great guy. I was doing some thinking the other day, and I do value our friendship a lot and it would sadden me if the "what are we?" conversation ruined that. You see, I'm torn, I can see myself being with him yet I can also see myself being really great friends with him. Oh gosh, listen to me, now I'm even doubting my own feelings for him.

So I think tonight I will hang out with him as friends and I guess only time will tell if anything is meant to happen.

Thank you guys so much for your advice! I will fill you guys in about tonight tomorrow! =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 5:08pm

I'm glad for you :) Have fun hanging out! Keep us posted :) :) :).

If he's a good guy and you enjoy his company (EVEN just as a friend - and again be honest with yourself here), then please don't bring up the talk, not at this point anyway. Don't get emotionally attached to him yet. Take it slow, and again by that I mean within yourself, not just take it slow by outward actions and yet your internal emotions are all in chaos LOL :) :) :).

I know that as in most situations, we can never say for sure what the "right" decision should be ... but I hope things will turn out for the best for you. Well, actually I know things will be fine for you, so just enjoy the ride :) :) :).

-icuryy

PS: I also agree that "only time can tell," but don't we all face with the dilemma of "how long should it be"???? ;) ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 6:35pm

well i think after a certain point we begin to accept that nothing may never become of a situation.

at least in my past experience, i've obsessed over the guy or the situation so much that it just becomes pathetic or even boring to think about it again. plus i'm the type of girl who gets bored easily (not the best character trait in the world), so after a certain time i'm able to move on....though a new guy coming into the picture always helps moves things along ;)

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