The yo-yo of trying and giving up

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
The yo-yo of trying and giving up
11
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 8:56pm
Here's my pattern: I decide to be proactive on Match, then I get frustrated and give up, only to go back and give it another try. I am 39 and never married, which in my wildest dreams (worst nightmares) I never thought I would be. I'm sure I'm pickier than most, but I DO want to meet someone. I feel like I've been chasing my tail with this forever. Any suggestions?

Pages

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:45pm

I have been watching this new show on A&E. It's about a match maker. I didn't even realize that those still existed in the real world. Would you ever consider going that route?

Basically, I think a lot of people on dating sites aren't there for the right reasons. I think some of those same people would be less likely to take the time out of their schedules to join an in the flesh service. It's not like sitting down in front of a computer for a little while and filling out a profile or maybe coming online to check an inbox from time to time.

I would imagine that the person to person interviews weed out a significant amount of the BS-ers. I don't know, it just makes sense to me. I am actually considering doing this myself if and when I decide to dive back into the dating arena.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 6:54am

Match.com (or any site) can be very seductive. Like you, I have gone on and off, each time swearing I'd never return. I haven't since sometime in 2005.

But then you hear of someone who met someone wonderful through Match.com, so you try again. I just recently heard of such a match, right here in my own city and it's making me want to try again, but I don't think I will.

I get my hackles up when someone says I'm "too picky," so I'm going out on a limb here and saying that I doubt you are "too picky." I tell people I wasn't picky enough when I got married (I'm divorced now). If you weren't selective, then you could walk out the door any day of the week and meet someone, right? Not just anyone can be the "right" one, ya know?

I seem to hear so much that OLD is basically the only way to meet men when you're -ahem- older (I'm 53). I find going through the whole match.co process demoralizing, embarressing and frustrating, so I've concentrated more on meeting in the real world. I have been unsuccessful so far.

Unfortunately, I have no suggestions of how to meet someone other than the usual ones. For me, I think most of the difficulty is in being older and not having as wide a social network as I once had. As people marry and have children, they shrink into their own worlds, dropping their single friends.

Anyway, just wanted you to know you aren't alone and you're probably already doing everything right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 8:43pm

Thanks for the ideas. I don't want to do video dating. It's probably a very good idea, but I'm not ready to take that step yet.

I guess what I really want is to figure out how to truly stop looking and be happy with the idea that my life might not turn out the way I had always hoped it would. I know I am very fortunate in many ways and many married/coupled people are miserable, but it's hard to really "give up." I guess that's something I have to work out with myself.

Thanks again - you guys are great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 10:47am

I kind of think the "stop looking" part is half the secret. I was divorced in 04, and at last I think I have "stopped looking". (-: That does not mean you are not wide open to possibilities, it just stops being so consuming of your thoughts. Your outings become about enjoyment again, not purpose filled missions . . lol To stop looking is not to give up . .it is simply a shift in focus. (-;

The "picky" part . . we need to be picky, for me, just the thing I try to do in my on life . . I try never to "visualize" the perfect woman. If you paint that picture in your head . .you begin to look for a ghost that does not exist. The perfect person could be standing right in front of you but you will look right over his shoulder because he "did not" match that picture in your head. So my feelings about picky depends on weather it is a healthy caution and an honest look at weather a person is compatible or not . . or an unhealthy dive into the world of day dreams. (-:

Anyway, if you stop "looking" for him . . you start doing things for you . . the men you then meet will be doing those same things . . .good first step and kind of basic. Just based on much of what has been said on this board I have begun to remember that I used to be good at that and what it felt like. Memories that have cob webs . .. (-: You probably are doing things right . . I would say look at you definition of picky . .silly day dreams or are you doing it exactly right and just have not come across the right person yet. That is not so uncommon.

Stay positive and just stay open to people. I make a habit of eye contact . .it surprises me sometimes at all the things I find with simple eye contact. (-: People look totally different from that angle sometimes. ((-:

We in America do not have government by the majority. We have government by the majority who participate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:19pm

Jarhead,

That's excellent advice; very well said. I will cut & paste it.

The eye-contact thing is interesting. For me, I always notice that I like people better who are more smiley. Such a simple thing, yet I find it hard to walk around with a smile on my face. I need to keep working on that.

Neppi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:53pm

One of the number one things I find irresistible is a genuine smile. The worst part is most people tell me I look angry most of the time. (-: I am a very serious person about work and the bulk of the day in general. Life for me has never been a “cake walk”. It takes a lot for me to let go and relax. I think that is why the smile is so important. It effects me . . it is contagious . . Most men will talk about boobs, buts or legs . . all fine things to be sure . . lol . . but that smile. That is the “thing”. That and “happy eyes” . . I cant begin to describe those . . but they melt me. (-:

Don’t work on the smile kid. Work on doing things that make you happy, make eye contact . . .with the right person . .for whatever reason when your eyes meet the smile just comes natural. It is something you see in each other in an instant even if just in passing. They are the only smiles that I find in myself that are genuine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 10:10pm

I can definitely relate. I am going through the same thing now. I am taking an "official" break from actively dating, in other words I am not making the major effort to meet someone because I'm intensely focusing on other things. For me, that is my artwork and my personal goal of becoming a full-time artist within 2 years. To be honest, I find I am more productive and better at focusing on what I need to do when I am single. The guys I have dated and met in the past and very recently are never on the same page as me, or I end up getting burned by the ones I get involved with and it has just been a source of frustration (and then I get distracted because instead of focusing on productive things I am wondering if some guy is going to call). I am not bitter or angry, I am just tired of going in circles and I figure if someone is willing to put forth the effort to date me then I am definitely open to it but until then, for the time being, I am going to focus entirely on myself.

On another note, some of my friends seem to be the type of girls who always have a boyfriend and meet someone all the time, I don't think this is so great because I don't really think they know themselves without having a man nor do they really "get over" their past relationship because someone else always comes along right away, but sometimes I wonder how girls that I am very similar to seem to have such better odds in the dating field and mine has been such a disappointment and has really been non-existent as far as any real potential in the past two years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 10:40pm
I no this might seem stupid if your not into this kind of thing but have you ever thought of trying that add from tv about eharmony, it might be worth a try because they are supposed to match you with someone compatible with you. well just a suggestion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 10:44am
I know what you mean about your friends. My conclusion on that front is that in some cases, other people put up with people and behaviors that I wouldn't. But I wonder sometimes if I need to be a little more flexible that way. I also wonder if the whole thing becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. On some level you don't expect things to work out for you and they don't....? At least that's how I feel. I like the idea of taking a break, filling my life up more, and maybe changing some of my attitudes about men/dating. You know, the stuff we tell ourselves: "no one will ever commit to me...there are no good mean out there..." I know that I tell myself that stuff and often I don't even realize I'm thinking it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 1:54am

I can so relate to many of the posts on this topic. I am 40 and get this - not one lasting RS for 10 years! I had my first and only bf thus far at 26 and that ended two years later. Took a break for 2 yrs then a FWB for 2 yrs. Since then the longest I've ever dated anyone was 1 yr ago - 10 dates total. People talk about dating problems mine is how can I even get dates. They are far and few in between.

I still have this romantic notion about being friends with attraction first - you see how the person carries himself in life, see him from different angles, in different settings - the attraction built this way is extremely powerful and amazing. That's very hard to find through meeting people on the internet b/c often time you only see a "resume" then you have to quickly size up the person in a few dates (and they you) - so much of the attraction is superficial and physical - you don't get to be with the person in his natural environent.

I have a free membership on a site called chemistry.com which is a spin off of match.com - works like eharmony - by the way, i think it's better than eharmony b/c they probably have a larger membership which come from match.com . Still, meeting people is a precarious event at best, you quickly go through the compatability thing, then short answers, then you may or may not connect via email then you may or may not connect on the phone and to even get to go on the first meeting is even slimmer. YOu may start with 15 men who are compatable - that gets narrowed down to a bout 5 who have mutual interest in meeting you then maybe, maybe 2-3 on the phone, then down to one person would progress to the stage where you meet in person. Then you or he may not like each other. So with this kind of odds, in the 1.5 yrs on this website, I've met in person maybe 3 men which was better than the 4 months on eharmony costing 50 bucks - I met ZERO men.

If you go online, I still think match is the best way to meet men online - for all it's worth but I'm not motivated enough to pay for online dating at this time so I keep a profile on chemistry. What the heck no foul no harm. Just requires thick skin and lots of patience b/c even when you lower your expectation to almost nothing, still it’s in my nature to hope whenever I have a mutual interest but 14/15 times we don’t even get to meet. Lots of little hope and little disappointments. It wears you down.

These days, I busy myself with work and fortunately my work environment is not bad so I at least don’t detest being there. Remaining time is divided b/w social activities with co-workers, business social events, and a few friends. My schedule is full but it’s not b/c I prefer work over love – it’s just so much easier on my emotions and so much more attainable.

Pages