You Can't Change Someone

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2010
You Can't Change Someone
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 3:07am

As they say or I have been told, "You can't change someone" they won't change etc etc etc.

But I have always had to date guys who DID NOT drink, smoke, or do drugs. All of my ex-boyfriends did do these things but stopped cold turkey when dating me. Some managed to never do this stuff ever again, while 1 did it behind my back without me ever knowing until he admitted it.

So they sorta changed by not doing these things anymore after meeting me and for me.

But do you think this sort of change or other changes is a good thing or bad thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-27-2014 - 10:38am

I really think that it's very unusual that someone would give up their bad habits just from dating someone--especially smoking or drugs which are addictive.  I mean, I've known people who wanted to give up smoking just because they knew it was bad for them but had to try several times because it's so hard to quit.  I just think it's a lot easier to find someone who doesn't do those things right from the beginning if that's important to you--and usually it's much harder to make someone quit something because you want them to than for a person to quit something because he wants to himself.  So, for example, when I am looking for someone on OLD, I just pick people who already don't smoke or use drugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2013
Tue, 01-28-2014 - 1:49am
I am impressed, I mean you must have a magical personality under whose spell people are compelled to give up substance abuse. I guess you should be hired by alcoholic anonymous and other similar groups to inspire others to give up alcohol and drugs.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 01-29-2014 - 4:17pm

 People change because they want to.  If you are deluded into thinking the core person will change it is not acurate.  The bf you say changed FOR YOU may have wanted to change.   However, reading your other post brings that there may be reasons why this is happening.    IMO it is not a good thing.  To me you seem rather ridged.  A theripist is my recomendation so you can sort out the confusion and conflict within you.