Your Mom and Your Love Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Your Mom and Your Love Life
17
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 1:37pm

I like to watch "Tough Love". I just watched an episode where the women had to think through how their MOTHERS influenced their relationships in the present.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 2:29pm

This is an easy one for me..My mom stayed with my dad who was abusive and controlling.

I grow up and marry abuser #1.. We get divorced after six years... I stay alone for 14 years and guess what?? After 14 years again I marry abuser #2.. Stay with him for ten years...and we get divorced.

A counselor told me that it is ingrained in our psyche.. Although I feel healthy now I think it never goes away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 3:00pm

What a stunning summary!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 3:12pm

I too saw that episode of Tough Love and thought it was a nice change for once.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 3:44pm

That is how I saw my mom.. She stayed and dealt with the abuse of my dad for 40 friggin years. Yes; 40 years until he died at age 70... I feel she sort of ruined me, my sis and my brother as we are all messed up..My mom put up with my dad making us practically homeless, no food, he never worked, he cheated on her, he beat us and she stayed with him... Me, sis and my brother are all messed up because of it.. and the damage is so bad that it takes years of soul searching to fix it all.

Oh; so lady there is

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 3:54pm

I think I have finally exorcised it with therapy, and tons of books and soul searching and just being aware of things.

But I have to say I have forgiven but I dont forget... I mean how can you forget these things?? They are huge chunks of my life that I cannot get back. That is the part that hurts the most.. I cant get back all of those years so I hold onto the good things very tight and keep repeating that Maya Angelou thing.. When you know better you do better.

I think it also has to do with self esteem.. and I had none or it was very low due to the cards I was dealt. But hey; They were my cards and it could have been a million times worse.....

Only regret is that when my dad beat me I would run away and think?Why cant my mom get us out of this and leave him and then I wouldnt have to be beaten anymore??? Instead she would come and look for me and drag me back home only to get more beatings from dad..

You know when My dad died I dont think I cried that much... but I dont really remember...

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 4:12pm
There are many, many ways my mom has influenced my relationships, from her choice of alcoholic men to her constant insulting of them. My stepdad doesn't do squat unless he's nagged, so that's what I see.

I think her expectation of perfection from me is what hurts me the most, though. Sometimes I wonder if I could ever find a guy who fits in with my crazy family and yet still meets my expectations for being normal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 9:15pm

Ok so maybe you guys can help me figure this one out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Sat, 11-19-2011 - 9:35pm

Interesting question, Music.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 11-20-2011 - 10:14am

Interesting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Sun, 11-20-2011 - 11:01am

I believe that I dont have an abandonment issue as I was always the one leaving a guy... I guess I just put up with so much and then I eventually bail out.. I dont get women who stick around with bad men for a thousand years..

Funny in that I have not been dumped by many men in my life.. I seem to always have been the dumpee.. well? most of the time anyway... I wonder why that is? I truly have to admit that when a guy doesnt like me or go after me it is a bruise to my ego and I am not used to that.

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