Your self-esteem

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Your self-esteem
39
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:27pm

What do you do to be sure that you maintain a healthy self-esteem/self-image or whatever you'd like to call it?


I find it difficult to ignore signals that seem to be coming from everywhere, telling us how we don't measure up.

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Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 5:45pm

I have always had relatively high self-esteem all my life and a lot of it has been internal. I think my mother just instilled a strong sense of independence and "go your own way" lessons in me that I've always followed. I have a lot of things to be proud of including school and my career path, my interests and activities, and a fantastic boyfriend.

Now the one thing that does get me down is my weight which has been really bothering me lately. I've been trying but apparently not hard enough. And its not because of comparisons to others, its comparisons to the way I was and how I know I can be. I feel stuck in a rut over clothes (how come the skinny girls get the cute stuff?!) and sometimes I dont feel sexy, which can spell problems in other areas of my life. I know I'm beautiful and I am ok with having the curves that I do. I think its just that I'm "out of shape" in those curves. I also do a lot of negative self-talk at times and I need to work on that too.

So I guess right now, I'm in a stage in my life where I'm personally beating myself up and hating what I'm doing to myself because I know I'm better than this.

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Avatar for filiasan
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Registered: 02-29-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 7:23pm
Heh...you got me there. My self-esteem is pretty low. When it comes to self-esteem, for the most part it depends on your own experiences. I'm disabled, and have yet to achieve anything. Of course mine is going to be low. But I don't really obsess over my looks (a lot of women do). I have bigger gripes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 7:43pm
I think self esteem is shaped to a large degree by our parents. I had pretty bad examples of how you should view yourself as a kid and had to unlearn a lot of the things I was taught by observing and by being told that I wasn't worth much. I have been through counseling, self help groups, talked to caring friends and family about stuff and finally am at a point where I do feel pretty good about myself. I was the shy/awkward looking kid in Junior high and some of high school as well. I think recently what has shaped my self esteem and brought it up is knowing that I can accomplish certain things on my own in life that some others haven't been able to accomplish and I'm starting to look at my good qualities as well more than the bad ones. Also knowing that I have the choice to walk away from relationships that aren't good for me and knowing that I will survive and become stronger as a result. When someone doesn't call me back that I like after a date I look at it as their loss and they didn't give it enough of a chance to see all the good qualities that I have to offer or just chalk it up to the lack of chemistry, something I can't control and it doesnt' mean I'm not pretty or I don't have a lot to offer. I also have taken the road less travelled a lot in my life which has made me more self confident and stronger overall knowing that I don't settle, give in or sell out as often as some do and staying true to myself works wonders even if it sucks and is really hard at the time. Of course I have my down moments as well like everyone else does when I find flaws with my looks or beat myself up for making mistakes but I think I'm getting a lot faster in bouncing back from those down moments.
Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 9:02pm

You don't think it has anything to do with attitude?

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Registered: 08-13-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 9:32pm

<< What do you do to be sure that you maintain a healthy self-esteem/self-image or whatever you'd like to call it? >>

Sometimes I do positive affirmations and creative visualization. Also I have noticed that giving good advice to a friend or helping them achieve a more positive outlook can be great for my self-esteem. And also I may read something by Karen Salmansohn--that ALWAYS helps (my favorite is "Be Happy, Dammit").

Avatar for filiasan
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Registered: 02-29-2004
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 10:35pm

It has quite a lot to do with attitude, but it starts with experiences. That and, attitude is related to experiences. An experience can create an attitude, and attitude can create an experience. But it all begins with experiences...when you're young. But I was brought up in a broken home (crazy mom, enough said there), was shunned by my peers, and wasn't given help for disabilities I didn't even know I had until after I went to boot camp (and yes I did get out on a medical discharge).

But I can't really relate to women who have low self-esteem because of their looks. My frets run a little deeper. I guess when it comes to that, it's mostly about attitude. I used to care a little too much. We all were teenagers! But now I don't care (not saying that I let myself go, but I don't try to live up to any ideal). But I'm not "woman sized" anymore. I consider size 10 to be great after being an over-plump size 18 for six years.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 11:10pm

Many, many of us have had bad experiences as children.

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Registered: 01-03-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 12:16am

Sorry to hear about your childhood Shywon. Sometimes parents don't realize they are doing more harm than good. It seems your mother was constantly criticizing you and thats just not healthy. The role of the parent should be to guide, to encourage, but if a parent always points out the negative, than that's how we see ourselves. It's conditioning, that conditioning can stay with us our whole lives, unless we see it, acknowledge it. Shywon, do you tend to blame yourself or are you hard on yourself. I used to be that way. I grew up with a mother that was chronically depressed and a critical father. I didn't experience unconditional love, I just heard about the wrong things that I did. I believe self esteem is a combination of things, but nutre is probably the biggest contributor.

I think some people may view counseling as bad and the person that wants to do it may feel like, hey what;s wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with counseling and the people who go are brave, not weak. We all could use to work on ourselves, and there is nothing wrong with sharing our emotions with someone, it's healthy. Our society seems to encourage repression and suppression. I also think some parents discourage their children to go to counseling, because some parents may feel the counselor is going to blame them. The sad thing in today's society we are judged by out performance, our appearance, but our heart are overlooked. This stuff is passed down into different generations, but knowledge is power.

Avatar for filiasan
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 12:56am
Traits have a lot to do with it, as well. Attitude, that is. That's why one child that goes through something rough can make it through a winner, while another who goes through the same caves under the pressure. I also think that us gentle types has less of the nerve to develop self-esteem. Most personality traits, one acquires. But some of them, we're born with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 7:17am

I had low self esteem, I still have low self esteem

It stems from childhood. Being larger than most koreans, I got criticized and compared all the time. Even though when I was a size 5, I still got pushed to lose weight.
As for grades 97% really wasn't good enough for my family. Being anything less than a professional(doctor/lawyer...) was just insulting.

eventually I broke down, spiraled into a deep depression and gained 25 lbs in a year.
which made me feel even worse.

I still haven't lost those pounds and I am still struggling with my self esteem. I basicaly have none which is why it makes having friendships difficult.

I compare myself far to often to my friends to a point where I feel the need to distance myself because I feel more unhappy around them, then happy when I am with them.