Your self-esteem

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Your self-esteem
39
Wed, 07-05-2006 - 12:27pm

What do you do to be sure that you maintain a healthy self-esteem/self-image or whatever you'd like to call it?


I find it difficult to ignore signals that seem to be coming from everywhere, telling us how we don't measure up.

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Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 8:59am

My mother was bipolar in her shaping of my self image. She would stand up for me when she thought that I was not being treated properly and always taught me that I am a worthy person who shouldn't take guff from anyone. But then she would do things like telling me that I am just like my aunt J (the one who killed someone drunk driving). My family tends to be that way - we can cut you down but will kick the behind of anyone outside of the family who tries to do the same.

The truth of the matter is that I had to take on a lot of adult responsibilities at a young age. My parents' divorce coupled with my mother working two jobs and finishing her college degree meant that I was the older latch key kid who had to make the meals and do the laundry and clean the house and make sure that my sister was taken care of. When I was younger, this meant that I missed out on a lot of being a kid and that hurt my self-esteem then. I rebelled in my teen years by partying a lot and then my mother cut me down which didn't help.

But then I got hit by a car the summer before my senior year of high school and my entire life changed. I buckled down and got good grades. I stopped partying. I went to junior college for 2 years on a full scholarship and earned a full scholarship for my last two years of college at Boston University. My entire world view changed. I realized that my life was worth a heck of a lot more than any person could tell me and that it was what I made of it. My self-esteem was sort of cemented throughout that process and the interesting thing is how it effected others. The moment I started really appreciating myself and being confident, those around me (including my mom - the person I most want to impress in life) started bolstering my confidence and self esteem by also appreciating what I was doing.

The long and short of it for me is this - others can do things that could chip away at your sense of self. But at the bottom of it all, we are each responsible for how we feel about ourselves. My self esteem does not come from what others say about me or how they treat me. It comes from knowing the challenges that I have had in my life and being proud of how I have handled them and will continue to handle them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:02am

I have been in counseling - so that makes two! It did help. I was really angry at my mother for a lot of years and counseling helped me to see that she had her own history that made her the way that she was. I had to accept that and move past some of the horrible things that she had done in the past. Once I did that and started to really try to move forward in a new relationship with her, things got immensely better.

Now if only I could forgive my dad...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:07am

Ruby,

I totally relate to this. I don't want to be skinny like a super model. I look at them and think, "Eat hamburger, honey, 'cause your anorexoc butt is so not sexy." At the same time, I have a weight at which I am comfortable. That's why I started Weight Watchers last year. I lost 35 pounds and was getting close to my goal when I injured my stupid knee. Yesterday was my last day of physical therapy so I went to my first WW meeting since March and I have put back on 5 pounds. I refuse to beat myself up over it, though, because that's not much considering 3 months of inactivity.

It felt really good to take control of the weight situation because feeling bad about it had more to do with knowing that I was letting myself go than it did about how others view me.

It's a struggle that I will have all of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 9:14am

Cl-Shywon,

Excellent post!

I was an ugly duckling as a child but I've always had a healthy self esteem and I have always been very confident and outspoken. Everything I am today, I can thank my wonderful parents for. I believe my self esteem and inner worth comes from parents who instilled in me good values, principles and morals, who taught me the difference between right and wrong and led by example.

We never had much money when I was growing up, we never had the best house or the best car, I never wore the latest fashions or had the latest and greatest but when I look back at my childhood, I don't remember wanting for anything. Instinctively, they knew exactly what to do for every situation that arose. When my middle brother stole a matchbox car from the shop, they made him write an apology and marched him back to the manager to apologise and he never stole again. They said we could smoke at sixteen and they would buy us the cigarettes and we would smoke under their roof. We never became smokers. They allowed us to sample alcohol and never prohibited us from taking a sip of their wine. To this day, at 32, I have never been drunk, I have never tried drugs and I have never smoked a cigarette. All three of us excelled in study and went to university.

I was taught to be an independent spirit and my parents supported me in everything that I did. They allowed me to see the error of my ways and gave me the freedom to correct my mistakes. They showed me how to be a person of integrity and live my life with honesty and a pureness of spirit. They taught me take pride in the person I was and to stand up for myself and for others and learn to challenge the status quo and shape my own reality.

Most women dread becoming their mothers but I look at my mother with pride and respect and I see in her the woman I have become.

Feisty




Edited 7/6/2006 9:36 am ET by feisty01
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Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:16am

I totally relate to this. I don't want to be skinny like a super model. I look at them and think, "Eat hamburger, honey, 'cause your anorexoc butt is so not sexy."

Or as my friend E and I always say "honey, get a spoon and have some crisco...it'll make you feel better!!"

Anyhow, 5 lbs is a small gain in three months! I have been doing WW since mid April (with a month off due to being home) and havent lost my first five yet...very discouraging. I'm a yo yo...I almost get there and then I go back up...sigh.

Anyhow, thats fantastic about your knee! Here's to more recovery!

Ruby

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Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:40am

Over the past couple of years, my mom has gotten much better.

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Registered: 01-03-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:44am

"The truth of the matter is that I had to take on a lot of adult responsibilities at a young age. My parents' divorce coupled with my mother working two jobs and finishing her college degree meant that I was the older latch key kid who had to make the meals and do the laundry and clean the house and make sure that my sister was taken care of. When I was younger, this meant that I missed out on a lot of being a kid and that hurt my self-esteem then. I rebelled in my teen years by partying a lot and then my mother cut me down which didn't help"

That maybe something you want to check into with your knee pain. I think I may have mentioned John E Sarno to you before, but this is the kind of dstuff he believes can cause chronic pain any where in your body. The guy knows his stuff and has been working in Rehabilitation medicine for over 40 years. The Mindbody Prescription is a good book you may want to checkout from the library. Hope your knee gets better.

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:50am

What do you see as your strengths?

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:54am

You know what's weird?

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Registered: 01-03-2006
Thu, 07-06-2006 - 10:57am
I feel for you, and you took a big step in telling your mom. I just found out some things in my family, that is helping me learn more about my parents behavior, we have to remember their parents may have been the same way, so they are possibly reflecting learned behavior. I'm curious as to what book you are reading, if you don't mind sharing. You may want to look into some books by John Bradshaw, your library should have them. Also, if you still have my e-mail, feel free to e-mail me, I don't mind.