Your value as a single person

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Your value as a single person
32
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 10:15am

This stems from the recent post about friends, and also from a post on another board.


Do you feel like the world values those who are married more than those who are single?

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Avatar for filiasan
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 3:08pm

I know that married people are valued more than single people. This society is parenting-centric. Of course, it's different in different places. Depends on where you are, really. Around here, married parents are obviously more "important" than us singles. But I live on the eastern tip of the Bible Belt. It sucks. But, I try not to let it bother me, by thinking it's just a trap. Society wants you to fall into its traps. It just doesn't like that you want to do some things differently. Okay, that's a weird assumption...but, whatever works. You know? I think that parents have it worse than we do, because they have another life/lives to care for that cost them a lot of patience and money. It's hard. You don't need to be a parent to know that! Of course there are all those things that make parenthood so WONDERFUL, right? To each his/her own. I don't think the benefits of motherhood would be all that beneficial to me.

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And btw (this is seriously OT) hello shywon ^_^ How are you lately? I haven't seen you in a while, have I? I've been doing something I call positivity training, and it's working. Despite growing through adversity, I still grow. Knowing that gives me a bit of hope.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 3:34pm

I'm doing okay, thanks for asking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 4:04pm

Hi!! Shy
I have never felt that people have valued me based on my relationships. People have valued me for what I am .Infact, my married friends thank me for bringing sanity back in their lifes since at times they just need to unwind and be themselves not somebody's mom or wife.

I do know that married people with kids have a lot of anecdotes to share with others.I guess that happens between single people also. Some of my girlfriends in new relationships will keep on raving about there boyfriends.

Thanks
79

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 11:31am

No, I don't think single people without kids are valued by society as much as the married folks with kiddos. I hate it, but I honestly think it's true.

Over the past few years, I have even noticed my value as a friend has gone down to those friends who have moved on to the married-with-children status. I'm not even worth a lunch or coffee date to one friend because I can't chat about diapers and first words. (Not true for all my friends, but it has happened with a few).

At work, people with children are cut slack because "he has to go home to his family" or "she's got a sick kid."

In my mind, my life has just as much value as anyone else's - but there is an unspoken reverence and respect for those with families over singles, IMHO.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 3:59pm

Totally.

OK, I know I'm always recommending books, but I just TODAY received a book that is just out called "Singled Out," and it's all about this very topic.

I definietly think our society values couples more than singles. Especially if you've never been married (I was, so it's not "so bad" for me). And our society values mothers more than childless women, whether they're married or single.

I think most people assume that if you're single, you're miserable and all you want is to get married. I think it's especially hard for women who really do prefer to remain single...I think society just doesn't know what to make of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 4:51pm
Unfortunately I do think society in general values married people and families more. For ex: in the military you get paid more money for being married and having a family. Like another poster mentioned it's easier to take time off work for certain life changing events such as getting married, having a baby, child being sick etc etc but people don't think that buying property and having to go through all the stresses of that even consistitutes being able to take some time off. I sure could have used it when I was filling out all that paperwork, faxing stuff back and forth etc etc. No one seems to think that buying a home is an event to celebrate either, but of course getting married and having kids you can have a gift registry and everyone around you wants to celebrate, give gifts, have showers. You also get tax breaks for being married. So in other words you get life breaks when you are married with children. I think this is one of the reasons why people jump the gun and settle for the wrong person to marry because of outside societal pressures and then internal pressures that you put on yourself eventually get to you. I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself becuase I want to be married mainly to have children so I know I'm at fault too with the pressure. I don't think anyone around me has made me feel left out because I'm single. Or at least they didn't mean to if they did but it's inevitable that I do feel that way at points in time. I've been lucky to have supportive people around me who tell me that I'm smart not to settle but I've put a lot of internal pressure on myself.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 5:49pm

I think you have a good point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 6:04pm
I do think that the divorce rate will go down in the near future and the generations to come because people are waiting longer and because it's more acceptable to be a single woman at an older age than it was before in the past. I believe the marriage age is rising because people for the most part are not mature enough and don't come into their own until they are in their late 20s. People need to find out who they are and experience life before they settle down.
I also believe this is why there were so many divorces with the baby boom generation and dysfunctional families because it was more common to just get married because of financial reasons, men going to work/women staying at home, women making babies not because of common interests, good emotional connection and friendship connection like it is now. I think us generations xers are the product of our parents dysfunctionality in getting married too young and to the wrong person. I know my parents messed up royally and me and my sister had to pay for it. I vow not to make the same mistake. I'm not saying that all gen xers had dysfunctional parents but a lot of us have.
I know I've put a ton of pressure on myself internally to get married just because of my biological clock but if I didn't have one of those and if my body wasn't getting older physically I wouldn't have put so much pressure on myself. But even through this pressure, I still haven't settled and I still am sticking to my guns that I'll never have children with the wrong man and if it means never having children period then so be it because I never want to put my kids through what I had to go through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 7:48am

I've been a lurker here for a while, but I'm ready to come out of my shell and post. I agree with everyone who says that there is pressure in our society to get married and have children which makes it very hard to be happily single. In my personal life it's something I've been struggling with for a couple years. When I graduated from college a little over a year ago I got a job and an apartment and was happy to be independent, but at the same time I was constantly reminded that the path I had thought I would take (college, meet someone there, graduate, job, marriage, house, kids) wasn't going to happen. Somehow I had forgotten to meet someone in college (I did have some relationships, but I mostly used the time to learn to love myself) and I was afraid that I would waste years waiting/looking for the right person and never find them.

I came to the conclusion that I'm not willing to sacrifice my dreams in life just because I may never find Mr. Right. My biological clock has been ticking since I was very young. I KNOW I was meant to be a mother and not having that in life would be worse than never meeting Mr. Right. So I made a pact with myself... If I got to 30 and hadn't met Mr. Right than I was going to start my family without him. I'd be happy to add him later but I don't want to get to 40, find him and have spent my youngest years without kids and him. Now I'm only 23 so I have 7 years to find him and I'm not just sitting back waiting for him to find me. But I also am not putting off what I want from life just because I haven't found him yet. And I think I will feel less pressure to marry someone who isn't the right one for me cause I know I have all the time in the world to find the one who is right. As for dealing with other people and being single when all my female friends are married or engaged... well I know that I'm a strong person and this is the best choice FOR ME right now.

-Alison

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 9:37am

Thanks for coming out of lurkdom, Alison!

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