Your value as a single person
Find a Conversation
Your value as a single person
| Sun, 11-12-2006 - 10:15am |
This stems from the recent post about friends, and also from a post on another board.
Do you feel like the world values those who are married more than those who are single?

Pages
You seem to be a very smart woman with her head on her shoulders. I think that's great that you are working on yourself first before finding a partner. This is what I think everyone should do. Find themselves, love themselves, and then they can be available for a healthy relationship. This way you pick your partners more wisely too. I wish I would have known this and done this when I was your age because I am still single at age 31 because of chosing the wrong partners because I always needed to have a man in my life and i failed to really see the kinds of people I was choosing until it was too late and then I wouldn't be able to let go of those people.
I always have wanted to be a mother and yes there are times I think that I should just have a kid on my own now because I'm not married and I'm not getting any younger but I'm going to give it a coupe of years to see where I'm at, and if by 34 I'm still not with the man I'm going to marry soon then I may go that route, but I may not. The older I get I'm beginning to think the harder it would be for me to be a single parent and find the finances and time to raise a child. When I was in my mid to late 20s I think my biological clock was ticking the hardest and i was so desperate and determined to find a man for this reason and I knew that I would be a single parent if I couldn't find him. But now even though it should be opposite, I'm rushing myself less because I see the root of the problem and the reality as to why I'm not married right now. I was codependent, I rushed myself and i picked the wrong guys, so rushing is not something I need to do now. I'm beginning to accept little by little, although its hard, that I may not be married in time to biologically have my own children and maybe I won't put myself through the stress of being a single parent since I know myself and sometimes stress gets to me big time. My views in these last couple of years have changed, that's forsure and yours may too. If you don't meet someone by 30, which you probably will because you have plenty of time, but say you don't, You might not make that the cut off year to have your own child, you may decide to wait and see a bit longer........
<>
It was a nice round number and far enough in the future that I figured it would give me lots of time to find Mr. Right (cause I really would like to find him) and also enough time to save money so that I would more easily afford to be a single parent. I know that many people become single parents without planning for it... but I'm a planner and if I'm knowingly going to walk down that path than I'd like to be as prepared as possible.
-Alison
<< i failed to really see the kinds of people I was choosing until it was too late and then I wouldn't be able to let go of those people. >>
That situation was what caused me to start taking a good long look at myself 3 years ago. I was very depressed and in a relationship that had many problems. I stayed with the guy long after I knew things weren't going well mainly because I couldn't imagine how things could be better without him. I hated how dependent I was on him (and he hated it too) and I knew I needed to become a stronger person before I could successfully be in another relationship. I have had one short relationship since then, and in that case it was much easier for me to recognize why things wouldn't work out for us in the long run and much easier for me to let it go cause I knew I'd be happier alone.
I agree that I may get to 30 and decide to wait longer but for now the "plan" gives me hope. Helps to remind me when I get down about being single that I can still achieve some of my dreams. And I know that 30 is still young. My aunt got married at 38, had her first child at 40 and then adopted another later. There is hope for everyone.
-Alison
I read through all of the replies and didn't find anything about careers. Maybe I'm wrong, but here is what I have to say:
I was visiting my parents one weekend and my dad and I ran an errand for my mom. When we were in the car, my dad asked if I met any new guys lately. I said no, and then he said to me "It's okay if you choose to live a professional life." BTW, I'm 31 and my sis is 32, married with a 2 year old girl.
That's a nice way of putting it. My dad chose a good set of words for it. A "professional" life. Some of the technology and businesses we have today wouldn't exist without the hard work of people, more importantly, single people. Single people take it upon themselves to work more hours, come in early and leave late, therefore being more successful at what they do. They have more time to further their education and improve their company's business.
I would say that contributes to more value. Anyone agree?
Absolutely.
not having read the other replies yet, I plan to write at least one if not two replies to your post.
YES, I agree, it seems that an individual's value is based on their ability for marriage and children in our society. Interestingly enough this value judgement tends to express itself across many societies, Indian, Jewish, Christian, Catholic, Italian, Latina, African-American, health care, charitable work and more. (I know I covered religion, ethnicity, and work/career in one sentence.) That being said, it sucks that those who look at us singles through their set of values don't realize the value of our own individual life.
I know a mom-pop couple who said to me at my parents' house, immediately after my dad's funeral, that it was too bad that my father did not live long enough to see me accomplish anything with my life,like marriage and kids. WOW - talk about a lack of taste and class. I work in health care in an underserved indigent community and my dad was proud of that, but these folks had no clue. Luckily for me on that day a traditional aunt overheard this and was totally shocked on my behalf, as even she did not agree with such a ridiculous sentiment.
I don't know what the answer is to defend ourselves, maybe there is not one, but to let our actions speak for themselves.
I'm going to read the other posts now.
yes, it is so annoying that those with kids always get the vacation times, assuming that we singles don't care about christmas,etc......we like holidays, too!!!
And, what about our needs for being at home for the plumber for a stopped toilet, etc., etc? We don't have a babysitter who can housesit and wait for the plumber nor do we have a spouse/signif other who could share in the responsibility of such.
Wow.
I haven't had a boyfriend in a long time and have never been married nor do I have kids (I'm 33). I've been struggling in my career (graphic design) for over a decade which has affected my self-esteem and feel that I cannot devote the time to a man until I feel more secure in this area of my life. That is important to me should I find myself divorced someday and do not want to be incapable of taking care of myself, like have enough $$ to pay the bills. I don't want to end up under some man's thumb out of fear that I won't be able to continue to find good jobs and be independent if I have to.
It really comes down to how YOU feel about YOURSELF as a single/unattached person. Sure, I have gotten annoying, rude "taken" people who can't seem to "get" me - but I don't get them either. Why are THEY so insecure in themselves that if they were forced to be single again, they'd go out of their minds, and yet are projecting that fear onto me as if something must be wrong with ME. The places I've felt this distain most of all in my life are formal Christmas parties for your job (ie workers bring their spouses), weddings occasionally or even churches. A decade ago I tried to join a bible study for 20-30 somethings and I related more to the men in the group than the women, because all the women talked about were getting married and having babies. I was the only unattached/unengaged person in the group so those topics were incredibly BORING to me since my focus was on my career; everyone else was either dating someone in the group or planning to marry someone in the group. Needless to say, I did not continue to attend.
My biggest loathing are dealing with other (very insecure) women whose boyfriends/husbands are INCREDIBLY LOYAL to them and yet they think somehow because you are single, available and AROUND, that automatically means you are out to steal their man. NOTE: I would **NEVER** do such a thing because I believe love, hearts & emotions are SACRED and I would never want to be cheated on (ie think Golden Rule). But some women, no matter how their men PROVE they are loyal to *ONLY THEM* over and over again... they seem to think you, the single woman (of good principle who does NOT steal men), are some harpee anyway. I hate this! Can't we all just get along? If the "taken" woman is going to eye other women with suspicion like this, then it makes me wonder if THEY are the type to do the cheating themselves.
Pages