Your value as a single person
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Your value as a single person
| Sun, 11-12-2006 - 10:15am |
This stems from the recent post about friends, and also from a post on another board.
Do you feel like the world values those who are married more than those who are single?

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I was just passing thru when I saw this Board featured.
I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm old enough (51) to be the mom of every on whose posted so far, LOL but I find agreement what many of you have said. Women are valued in relation to marital and parenthood status.
My original life plan was to get an education, travel around the world and not marry until I was 35. I married at 23, did get to travel half the world (I married a soldier) and divorced just shy of 28.
Truth be told, I primarily got married because Uncle Sam does not allow GFs to follow along with his servicemen. At 23 I was an "old" bride by military wife standards. Most of those girls were junior brides, married at 15-16-17. Most had never had a job, a checking account, their own apartment. Most had 2-4 kids by 23. Some because they needed some justification for not looking for a job, some because well that’s what you do, get married and have kids, some to lock a straying man in, a few oops, and some few because they wanted kids at that time.
Being different at that time was stressful. While I was married, kids were not on my list of things to do. For that I got called everything from gay to communist. I was told I would go to hell, wasn't a real woman, hadn't experienced real love. That I would change my mind when I decided to grow up.
I had a "real job" at the phone company and at gatherings would discuss work and bosses with the guys, because I had nothing to contribute to conversations about diapers and recipes. Some of the military wives found that very disturbing and mistakenly thought I was after their husbands. I simply prefer conversation in which I could have some participation. The PG women were often 2 words from calling me a whore to my face.
My XH was an officer and on more than one occasion I was told by his superiors that he would not progress thru the ranks unless I "gave him some kids and a family life" and did things like host teas and bake sales. While there is nothing wrong with doing those things they weren't MY thing.
Like the other young divorced poster, when we divorced there were folks, men and women, who avoided me like the plague. The men thought I would encourage their wives to leave them, and the women thought I wanted their men. Wrong on both accounts.
When I started dating my Sweetie 6 years ago, (he's 10 years younger) many people were quick to tell me about 40+ women having kids or adopting. Many folks believe love is not real if it does not include kids.
In the work world, those with us without kids, married or single, are often expected to be "understanding" about sick kids, little league, recitals, holidays. Like many adult kids today, I live in a different state than my parents or siblings. Single/childfree women do not exist in a vacuum. There are those of us who look forward to getting together with our family at the holidays too. We just might want to take a romantic trip with our mates.
Now, as a middle-aged single, childfree woman, I have the added concerns of aging/sick parents a 4 hour drive away. Those long holiday weekends are often used to fix things around their houses. Try calling in to say you're not coming in because of a sick/hospitalized parent. That does not rate as a legitimate reason to miss work on many workplaces.
Things are changing as singleness and choosing not to have kids are becoming considered viable options. But in some geographic areas, religions, ethnicities/cultures that change will be very slow in coming indeed.
Thanks for letting me have my say.
DeAnn
How great to come on to iVillage for the first time and find the exact discussion I wanted to find. I'm 37, divoriced twice, living alone, my only contact being my parents. I recently moved to NC from CA to be close to my family. There are a few friends back in CA that I still communicate with via email, but that's the extent of any relationships in my life. Unless you count the four days a week, 30 minutes a day that I spend with Jon Stewart.
The point: I'm happier than I've ever been in my most social, relationship filled times. I don't even have kids and do not feel like I neglected some unspoken - uh, actually spoken by some - responsibility to society. Totally the opposite. The population is out of control as it is, there are not enough resources to support the ever expanding need and there are plenty of people out there having children they can't afford to have to cover my lack of reproducing. Don't get me wrong, kids are great, I love my nieces and my few friend's kids. I just don't think you need to have a child to complete your place in the world. I actually believe in some respect having kids is a selfish act; feeling as though your legacy will live on after you are gone or that you need to fullfill a responsibilty society placed on you. While I'm told I'm good w/children, I wasn't meant to be a parent and that's o.k. I'm not less of a human.
I feel the same about marriage and love-relationships. I don't need a lover to feel complete. It seems a bit insecure, feeling like another person makes your life. I'm happy with me, shouldn't that be what completes us?
"Now, as a middle-aged single, childfree woman, I have the added concerns of aging/sick parents a 4 hour drive away. Those long holiday weekends are often used to fix things around their houses. Try calling in to say you're not coming in because of a sick/hospitalized parent. That does not rate as a legitimate reason to miss work on many workplaces."
DeAnn,
I believe that is about to change. As a senior member of the Boomers' children (I'm 35), I can see that caring for aging parents is/will become a legitimate social obligation, much like one's own children are now. Its just that its only now beginning to take shape. Baby Boomers are the first generation to parent fewer than three children per family on average. Previous generations were able to split the responsibility for parent care among a greater number of siblings, and life expectancy was much shorter then than now. My parents are 60 and 58. They are doing okay, but have become increasingly dependent on assistance. They have two kids. My sister is a married mother of two, and has a very active career in broadcast radio. I am single. I work as a police dispatcher and have been at my job for nearly thirteen years. I've accumulated a storehouse of sick-leave in that time and can use it to be of assistance to Mom and Dad as needed. I am glad to have the responsibility I do, but want for it to be needed infrequently - so far, so good. I sincerely hope that one day I will be able to carry my parents on my health care insurance through work; and, I believe these types of societal changes are rapidly approaching. Everything is different with Baby Boomers. They are the only modern generation whose influence will have primarily dominated society from cradle to grave.
Yes, I think we single folks are undervalued and unappreciated by society as a whole, but that too will change as we become the lead care-givers for an aging populace. We will define a new social role specific to people in our situation. GenX's defining moments are yet to be realized, and the single, childless members may be among the most recognizable and in-demand of the set.
Michael
I had never thought of the health insurance angle.
Cl-Shywon,
I was talking about this very topic with a friend recently. I was on a plane from Paris to Australia which is a 20 hour flight and I was seated next to a French couple who from the moment they got on board started kissing each other, she was practically sitting on top of him, bumping into me and hogging the armrest. Unfortunately, I didn't know how to tell them in French to get a room and I couldn't explain to her that their behaviour was quite inappropriate. I would have tolerated it for a two hour or even five hour flight but when you know that you have a 20 hour journey ahead of you, it's disrespectful. I felt that that because I was a single woman on a plane that I did not deserve their respect and because they had each other, they had the right to act however they wanted. It's not like they were young either, they looked like they were in their late 20's or early 30's and they should have known better. I ended up speaking to the staff on board who was on their side and I asked them if I could move seats but it would have meant that I would have moved to a middle seat instead of the aisle seat that I currently had and I thought why should I move because of them? That's exactly what they wanted. They didn't care whether I felt uncomfortable. I did tell her off albeit in English and by the tone of my voice, I'm sure she gathered that I wasn't happy and they did modify their behaviour for the rest of the trip.
Feisty
Yuck.
Ick, yes. I was in line at the gym yesterday, waiting to check in. The woman in front of me was caressing her husband's butt. Not just a quick pat, but a full butt massage. It was disgusting. I don't think she even realized why I was giving her such a dirty look.
Couples do need to respect the rights of others to not be subjected to their private affairs.
I agree - hand holding, arms around each other, pecks - all good. Fondling - not ok.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
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