11 more years of this, sorry to vent
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| Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:30pm |
DS (7 years old) is with his dad for 2 weeks of his summer vacation. Exh gets me on the phone and says, "oh, by the way, i was talking to {name of DS} and he doesn't want to go away with you on your vacation. he says he gets car sick."
I ended the phone conversation right there and it broke my heart that DS has to live under that man's thumb. My son is soooooo looking forward to our planned trip and he loves my new car. He thinks it's the best car ever.
I've noticed that my son is going to extreme measures to hide the things that make him happy from his dad. Like, he lives in fear that his dad will find out that he likes Nascar because his dad will say that's stupid. So, DS will not wear his Nascar shirts to school or take them on visits. He'll only wear them when he's kicking around town with me.
He shares with me all of the things he likes to do at his dad's...because I don't make him feel bad for having fun over there. It's so hard to take the high road all the time and get no kindneass (at all) in return. I hate it most of all for my son.

Oh fivesense,
I can feel the frustration coming off your keyboard. And I can relate. DS used to do this with his dad when he was younger, too. He would change his likes and dislikes. He would feel "run over" on events they did together, particularly with exh's family because exh would not listen to DS or take DS's feelings into consideration.
I feel that my DS would really try to please his dad because his dad would go to great lengths to entertain him and treat him - I think this is common with boys and their dads, not just in your case.
I am not sure of your situation but I can tell you that as my DS gets older, he puts up with less frustration from his dad. My DS has become his own person - he is able to articulate his feelings and preferences very well. Part of this is because he doesn't want to be run over, disappointed or dragged to something he doesn't like - it is an aging process.
We just had a bad batch of weeks and weekends because his dad went head over heels for this new girl and her son (and now they are broken up). DS would get so stressed and I would say that he has to tell his dad that. So he got good at telling his dad these things and even refused to go on his night with his dad once because he didn't want to meet the new girlfriend's family on his night with his dad. This was another reason I got my DS a phone. I wanted him to be able to call and text message me when he is frustrated - which he did do.
Another thing my DS does is he doesn't sit and wait by the door when his dad is late all the time. He is out playing with his friends and sometimes his dad has to wait for him now!! I think that should teach exh a lesson - DS's life no longer revolves around him.
You just have to let those two work it out. And you have to encourage your DS as he gets older that it is okay to tell others how he feels when he doesn't want to do something. Kids start to get vocal about stuff as they reach middle school - about 4th grade.
I think you handled your exh just fine on the phone with regards to the car trip. I think your exh was projecting his feelings onto your DS and probably worded it that way. It is not up for discussion. And if your DS wants to keep the NASCAR shirts special for you that is okay too. Perhaps he will find something else he likes with his dad.
The 2 weeks will go by fast and your DS will learn a lot from it. Try to look at the good and try to forget why your exh annoys you so much or it will drive you crazy.
Oh honey ((((HUGS))))
Your son will get through the two weeks and so will you.
ONe more thing, fivesense,
Here is how I get DS to speak his feelings. I explain to DS that everyone basically always looks out for their own feelings and issues and that it our own responsibility to set boundaries and make other people aware of how their actions and decisions affect us. I make him understand that his dad is not doing things to make him mad. His dad is doing these things to please himself. So it is not a personal issue of his dad not caring about him.
I explain that his dad is having fun with his family and doesn't understand that he is so afraid of roller coasters he doesn't want to go one one. So he has to tell his dad, "that is really fun for you but it is NOT fun for me and I don't want to do it." OR "I know you want to spend time with her (gf) family but they are not MY family and that is not fun for me to hear adults talk for hours so I would rather stay with mom and play with my friends. And I am disappointed because you haven't seen me all week and that is supposed to be our special time."
It is always a "that works great for you but it doesn't work for me" kind of thing. I always emphasize that DS is the child and he does have to respect his parents and speak with respect.
DS has a lot more confidence to speak up and he is learning to do it effectively and with respect.
I also tell DS that he has a way with his dad like no one else does and that his dad loves him very much. I do try to keep DS feeling good about himself and feeling confident.
Now the flipside to this is that I hear, "shopping is really fun for you mom but it isn't so fun for me!" and that is how I know his communication skills are really working. So then I have to do a little bit of negotiating!! LOL!!
Thanks for the information about your son. I know that part of our situation is the typical "his house" vs. "her house" thing. Kids do tend to keep thing separate. Do one thing at dad's and another thing at mom's. I've noticed that my son will eat things at his dad's house that he would never eat at my house and vice versa.
Part of it is that my exh is an extreme case. Part of it is the Aspergers that my son has (makes it difficult for him to understand his own feelings, let alone communicate them)
Yeah, it DOES make you think about it, doesn't it?
Hopefully your son will work out SOMETHING with his dad just get through the time spent there.