2of 2 - My Saga.....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
2of 2 - My Saga.....
15
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 12:03pm

Ok, by now you read the first novel and you are having to go back and read what happened in between my weekend with JS.

I just want to remind ALL of you that though I expect slammage here, I did tell everyone that with JS: I did NOT know where it was going, that I am very confused and not quite sure about anything, but that I am going to give JS a whirl....
that he deserves a chance and maybe things will come to a spark......

However, I am thinking sparkage is limited. I can't seem to get over my friendship hump. JS and I talked very honestly about it Saturday night. I told him I am trying, but that its' very hard for me. He refuses to let go and just accept that nothing more will come of it. He says I need to give it more time. That he had a LOT longer to think through everything then I did. I don't think that makes a difference, but I told him we'll continue to see. I did tell him that I felt VERY pressured by him.

We talked very very open and I told him that I didn't love him as an intimate relationship, but that I loved him strictly platonic as my best friend. I told him that I felt VERY pressured about the whole exclusive dating thing. That even though I have agreed to date him, I thought it was asking alot to suddenly expect me to give it all up when I am really not ready to give it all up. That I don't want us to get any deeper too quick right now, because it's risking our entire friendship on the line and I don't want to do that. That no matter what, it seems like our friendship is on the line, because if I can't continue, I'll have to end it. So it's going to be either all or nothing.....

So this talk was Saturday night. VERY OPEN. Then he says to me: I love you. And he just continues to tell me he loves me. And I become as quiet as a church mouse and just look at him. I say NOTHING. He says it again and says, but not as a friend.....

Finally I said, thank you, but you are NOT going to force those words out of me. I am not going to say something I DON'T feel. It's like he didnt understand and says it a little later to me again and yesterday morning over and over. Then he said, I wish I could hear you say those words to me. I said, I'm sorry, I can't.

He asked about the girls. I told him they will be arriving today. He said that is too bad that they don't know we are going out. I said, JS, we talked about this. Then he said, "Well, maybe us having snuggle time in front of the kids will happen sooner then we think.... We shouldn't keep it from them."

I do NOT want them to know until I know how I feel. And only how I CERTAINLY feel. The sh** almost hit the fan with me. We talked about it, we agreed and now he's trying to constantly pressure me. Now I almost feel threatened that he wants to tell the children to get them to force it on us. Finally I snapped and told him that his tactics with trying to force us is only pushing me further away. That I feel very bullied into being with him. That I am happy with him as my friend, but NOT happy WITH him as a girlfriend.

I gave him this huge list of the crap he's been pulling with me to get him to push me along and then he apologized and said he definitely doesn't want that, etc. etc. etc. BUT! I left last night and he said something to me that made me realize, he JUST doesn't get it or maybe doesn't care enough about what I think or want, but what he only wants. That MAYBE that selfish person IS really still in their.

My 3.5 hour drive was a VERY realistic view on alot of different things. I am not giving up on him. I won't do it, because I told him I would give him a fair chance. However, I am pulling myself back a little more from our communication. Now that the girls are coming today< I feel that will be much easier to do. One thing I did say to JS is: I promised you I would give us a chance, I NEVER promised you that we would stay together or be together. I told you up front that I don't feel the same way about you and that I am very unsure about going through with it all, but that I did promise to give you that fair chance and to decide from their. I will keep that promise but right now you are making me much more uncertain by your attitude. I don't like feeling as if someone is trying to control me.

So that is the saga. But very honestly: I refuse to allow either JS or Mr. History to influence me. I refuse to be bullied or forced into something. I will not lie to either, nor am I. I feel strong and sure enough of myself to know what's best. I trust my gut instinct. I kissed JS this weekend and I felt groessed out afterwards because it felt as if I was kissing my brother. He's not a bad kisser, but that intimate moment just almost made me ill. That is an AWFUL sign. I told him I felt nothing and I know it hurt him, but he just asked me to give him some more time.

I got home late and Mr. History asked if he could come over to help me unpack. I said ok. He spent maybe 20 minutes with me. He left and before he did he asked if he could kiss me good-bye. I said yes and when he did my entire body tingled and i just leaned up against him.

NOW to me that says a thousand words.

Oh GEESH.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 12:18pm

Well Catherine, I'm not going to slam you but I got this horrible feeling in my stomach while reading how JS was treating you. It is exactly how A treated me a few months back and I ended up exploding on him. He was pressuring me to say I love you and to be up his butt all of the time. It did not end well even though we are on good terms. He realized what he had done because I had told him and his sisters and my sister told him! lol

Getting back to JS, I don't think he is going to leave it alone. I KNOW in my gut that when he gets the chance to be around you and your girls, he will sneak in a hug or kiss or something in front of them. I just don't trust him Cat. I don't want you to get mad by me saying that but I'm just telling you from my viewpoint and I don't want you or your girls to get even more confused by the situation ya know?

Mr. History...don't know what he is up to but it sounds like he may be okay. Now, if he starts standing you up again...let's just say he better NOT! :) I hope, for your sake, that he is telling you the truth and will now just come out and say what is on his mind instead of playing games. It should be interesting to see how he acts when school is back in. I'm glad that you get a tingly feeling when you kiss. Yes, that is definitely a good sign. :)

Keep us updated. I wish you the best of luck in trying to take things slow and hoping that these 2 men don't drive you over the deepend!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 1:03pm

I'm not going to slam you, however I will give you my 02.
I don't think that either guy is a good fit for you, here's why:

Mr History: He's already shown his true colors and once he has you
back, he will only do it to you all over again. This reminds me of the saying
fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Don't give him a chance to
pull crap on you again. He already gave you clear RED FLAG warnings, please take
notice. Sometimes we women get early warning signals and ignore them because we
let feelings or lust cloud our judgement. You deserve so much better.

Mr JS: I'm a firm beliver that we shouldn't taint our long term friends with either sex or romance. It gets complicated, or just plain ugly. The result is always the same, we end up losing a great friend, and in life those are really hard to find. I have a bad feeling that he won't give up easily and your friendship may suffer as a result. I don't think there's an easy answer here.

Bottom line: I think you should take some time to stay alone, no dating, just some serious time to regroup and soul search. The time will give you much needed clarity, it
will enable you to pull back and objectivley see everything for what it really is, it will certainly clear up your confusion. When everything clears up you can jump right back in the dating pool better than ever.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 1:36pm

I believe that JS really does love you and because of that I do not think that he is capable of just being your friend. In fact, I believe that all this time that he has been your shoulder to cry on etc., that he has always hoped that this would evolve from friendship to romantic love. I do not believe it will be possible for you to maintain a friendship with him should you choose to go in the direction of Mr. History. In all fairness to JS - should you decide that you do not want a romantic relationship with him - you are going to have to put this friendship behind you - if for no other reason than to allow JS to move on. That is just my opinion...
I once had someone who I thought was a very good friend admit to me to that he was in love with me. I laughed at first (we were both feeling no pain and in a very fun social situation) and then he very vigourously shook me and told me (hollered really!) that he loved me over and over again I guess to try amd make me realize that he was serious. Bottom line - I loved him too....like a very good friend. I knew then that it would not be fair to continue socializing with him because he took that as a sign of hope that something more was possible. I knew that as wonderful as our friendship was...it was holding him back from pursuing something more romantically satisfying....

Good luck to you Cat - I do not envy your position right now....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 2:00pm

Honestly, I don't think that you and JS should be dating at all from what you said. It will totally ruin any chance you have of a friendship if this continues. Obviously you do have romantic feelings for someone else and it is silly to continue seeing him if there is just no spark there.

If there was some spark, or even if there wasn't spark with someone else, or if he lived closer, I think it would stand half a chance. As things are, there is no chance of much other than you losing a friendship. Let it go. Nicely. Don't share details of your dating life with him for now. Just keep it light. You won't be seeing him too much since school will be starting soon so just let it go for now.

That's my opinion. I don't think it can work out for the two of you. As for Mr. History, slow down a lot. Don't call him at all. Don't make any plans to see him more than once or twice a week at the most and don't let him meet your girls. I think those things will be key to seeing if it will go anywhere.

What time do the girls get in tonight? Are you ready? I'm sure you are excited to see them.

Priscilla

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 2:18pm

Another perspective on JS (for I've been in his shoes, sorta) is that even though he heard your words on not pressuring you, there is a part of him that does not hear and because he so very much wants a different sort of relationship with you than you with him, he is behaving this way.

In some ways he cannot help himself because of this strong, inner desire/need to create that with you.

You pulling back seems the best way of handling this.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 3:20pm

I've sort of given my opinion in another post - titled Catherine.

Like everyone else, I don't envy you.

And like some here, I don't think you should be dating either - I don't think either is very good for you. For different reasons.

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 4:56pm

I agree with everything Taina said here (and could've typed the very same thing!)

JS is going to be trouble. The way he is ALWAYS going to be fishing for you to love him back the way he loves you. And he won't stop until you give in. He didn't stop when you told him NOOO before, and there is NO way he will accept a NOOO now, unfortunately. Especially now that you've given him a "maybe" on the whole issue, and it won't matter that you want to take that back and change it to a NO again. And there is NO way to have any kind of relationship with him IMO (whether it be a romance or a friendship). I see it being a no-win situation with him, and that's sad- because having a friendship with him is not going to be a place of peace for you. Nor will it ever be enough for him. But to try romance- you already know the answer to that one.

And with Mr. History- it's a red flag that he justified his actions as something he did to intentionally cause stress and strife between you in hopes of you two breaking it off- just because he saw trouble/seriousness coming and heard/saw things he didn't agree with. RATHER THAN just coming out and facing you and talking to you and telling you straight up that he thought you were rushing things (especially about the house thing, which I still agree- that you made a MUCH bigger deal of the house thing than your young relationship should have included)- he just went the wimpy route and did things to get you mad. He didn't just TALK to you, but instead, he purposefully did things he KNEW would get you upset and push you away. That, in my book- is a bad sign and I think you'd be better off not going back to that again. Who's to say that he won't react that way again?

My opinion? The same as before. Don't date either, and leave yourself BY YOURSELF for awhile. Get your head cleared out before trying to date again. I said this when Mr. History FIRST became history (and before you decided to give JS a chance) and I still stand by that depsite everything that got 'cleared up' this weekend. I just sense SO much confusion in your posts about events and how you see it, and what you want and how you are trying to do best by everyone...

But you just simply need to do best FOR YOU and find clarity, apart from all the men.

I do wish the best for you, and these 2 men just doesn't seem to deliver that, IMO.

Hugs,
~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 7:29pm
Cat, I agree that you probably shouldn't date either of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 10:54pm

Cat,

I've got no slamming or opinion for you. Just wanted you to know that I know this is a confusing and exciting time for you and I'm wishing you all the best.

I wish we all had a crystal ball and could see where each of our choices will take us before we make them. But wouldn't that take some of the fun out of it too?

Ah, well. I'm here with you. We'll all figure it out together!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:06am
Cat, again, I haven't been here long enough to really voice a strong opinion (I need to go back and read your archives) but I don't blame you for feeling pressured which is never a good feeling. I think it's great that you're trying to give JS a chance and it makes complete sense if he's a good, grounded, intelligent, etc...guy AND he knows and loves you for who you are BUT don't beat yourself down if it's not there for you. I actually wound up marrying my best friend and it obviously didn't work out so great. Believe me, I'm not trying to compare the two, but I did downplay that "spark" that never really surfaced and the relationship suffered because of it (obviously there were other things to, but that was a big one). As far as Mr. History, maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I think what I'm getting from your post is not necessarily that you want to be with him , but you want to have that feeling that you get when you kissed him whether it be with him or someone else. Either way, I think your feelings are valid and there's nothing wrong with telling JS that you need to slow things down. Good luck. We're all here for you.

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