2of 2 - My Saga.....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
2of 2 - My Saga.....
15
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 12:03pm

Ok, by now you read the first novel and you are having to go back and read what happened in between my weekend with JS.

I just want to remind ALL of you that though I expect slammage here, I did tell everyone that with JS: I did NOT know where it was going, that I am very confused and not quite sure about anything, but that I am going to give JS a whirl....
that he deserves a chance and maybe things will come to a spark......

However, I am thinking sparkage is limited. I can't seem to get over my friendship hump. JS and I talked very honestly about it Saturday night. I told him I am trying, but that its' very hard for me. He refuses to let go and just accept that nothing more will come of it. He says I need to give it more time. That he had a LOT longer to think through everything then I did. I don't think that makes a difference, but I told him we'll continue to see. I did tell him that I felt VERY pressured by him.

We talked very very open and I told him that I didn't love him as an intimate relationship, but that I loved him strictly platonic as my best friend. I told him that I felt VERY pressured about the whole exclusive dating thing. That even though I have agreed to date him, I thought it was asking alot to suddenly expect me to give it all up when I am really not ready to give it all up. That I don't want us to get any deeper too quick right now, because it's risking our entire friendship on the line and I don't want to do that. That no matter what, it seems like our friendship is on the line, because if I can't continue, I'll have to end it. So it's going to be either all or nothing.....

So this talk was Saturday night. VERY OPEN. Then he says to me: I love you. And he just continues to tell me he loves me. And I become as quiet as a church mouse and just look at him. I say NOTHING. He says it again and says, but not as a friend.....

Finally I said, thank you, but you are NOT going to force those words out of me. I am not going to say something I DON'T feel. It's like he didnt understand and says it a little later to me again and yesterday morning over and over. Then he said, I wish I could hear you say those words to me. I said, I'm sorry, I can't.

He asked about the girls. I told him they will be arriving today. He said that is too bad that they don't know we are going out. I said, JS, we talked about this. Then he said, "Well, maybe us having snuggle time in front of the kids will happen sooner then we think.... We shouldn't keep it from them."

I do NOT want them to know until I know how I feel. And only how I CERTAINLY feel. The sh** almost hit the fan with me. We talked about it, we agreed and now he's trying to constantly pressure me. Now I almost feel threatened that he wants to tell the children to get them to force it on us. Finally I snapped and told him that his tactics with trying to force us is only pushing me further away. That I feel very bullied into being with him. That I am happy with him as my friend, but NOT happy WITH him as a girlfriend.

I gave him this huge list of the crap he's been pulling with me to get him to push me along and then he apologized and said he definitely doesn't want that, etc. etc. etc. BUT! I left last night and he said something to me that made me realize, he JUST doesn't get it or maybe doesn't care enough about what I think or want, but what he only wants. That MAYBE that selfish person IS really still in their.

My 3.5 hour drive was a VERY realistic view on alot of different things. I am not giving up on him. I won't do it, because I told him I would give him a fair chance. However, I am pulling myself back a little more from our communication. Now that the girls are coming today< I feel that will be much easier to do. One thing I did say to JS is: I promised you I would give us a chance, I NEVER promised you that we would stay together or be together. I told you up front that I don't feel the same way about you and that I am very unsure about going through with it all, but that I did promise to give you that fair chance and to decide from their. I will keep that promise but right now you are making me much more uncertain by your attitude. I don't like feeling as if someone is trying to control me.

So that is the saga. But very honestly: I refuse to allow either JS or Mr. History to influence me. I refuse to be bullied or forced into something. I will not lie to either, nor am I. I feel strong and sure enough of myself to know what's best. I trust my gut instinct. I kissed JS this weekend and I felt groessed out afterwards because it felt as if I was kissing my brother. He's not a bad kisser, but that intimate moment just almost made me ill. That is an AWFUL sign. I told him I felt nothing and I know it hurt him, but he just asked me to give him some more time.

I got home late and Mr. History asked if he could come over to help me unpack. I said ok. He spent maybe 20 minutes with me. He left and before he did he asked if he could kiss me good-bye. I said yes and when he did my entire body tingled and i just leaned up against him.

NOW to me that says a thousand words.

Oh GEESH.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 10:40am
Yes, you read it right. It was more of a test to find out if their would be a difference to how I felt kissing someone I liked in a different way then a friend way. Not that I wanted to get together with Mr. History. I will continue to talk to him, but thats about it. It was a HUGE difference. Kissing your friend verses a guy you liked. That basically just proved that kissing JS or anything else is NOT going to bring a spark, if it doesn't now. Not now, not ever. He can offer me the world and some people may think the money, the materialistic stuff is worth it (I think JS thinks that too), but I never have and I won't be with someone that I feel ill kissing. I rather be with someone who doesn't have a dime that makes me happy and makes me want him then someone that is wealthy and makes me cringe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:17am

Hi , I have been reading your story.. So here is my opinion. You and JS should leave each other for a while at least. You are wasting each others time. I had someone exactly like this.. whom I could never even kiss.. but he was everything else I wanted.. we both ended up wasting many years .. I still hate to say waste.. since I liked him more than anyone.I still do!. Bottom line is if you both "actually" like each other gove each other a chance to move on and find more satisfying relation.
You really dont have to TRY SO HARD to feel the spark!. I t will get worser.

I know your feeling of not wanting to be alone and feeling sad for yourself. Why not decide that you will start dating on a certain day Eg: November 15..: and prepare yourself..Let us assume you will meet some one that day..Live with that fantasy till that day rather than trying to find someone. So as part of your prep.stop dating completely..But now you have something to look forward to. Sometimes you find the best when you are not looking for.

Why not join an activity..like may be dance lessons?

Good Luck

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 11:16am
Hi dancewithme2004,
but I am not alone at all. On the contrary if you read the thread that says "Thank you to all", then you will know I actually just prefer to be alone; I have been preferring it for quite some time now. I always THINK it would be nice to be in a relationship, but then they always tend to bore me, get's old and they nerve me and keep me from the things i enjoy. I rather have my peace and quiet and soemtimes I just think I shouldn't want that so much. Kind of the inner fear that I will be alone like my mom, because my mom likes being alone. I don't want to be alone, but unfortunately, I LOVE my alone time. Or time with my children and friends. Men are just a pain in my rear. So yes, my dating shoes are in the closet for another time. Right now I'm just enjoying the fact that I have my kids back. But thank you so much for your response.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 7:44pm
I think that way too alot. Don't get me wrong I miss my BF when we're apart, but then I think sometimes it would be easier to be alone. Then of course I'd miss the sex and companionship. Then I get thinking that maybe all the relationship "angst" is just me and my negative thinking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 4:04am

Wowza! Where is the "whirlwind" icon???


Im with those that say its time to take a BREAK. A *real* break - from BOTH, & that means not dating, casually or not casually.


I am here at work, 4am, with a newborn asleep in my lap. lol

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