3 kids r w/ ex & new gf @ xmas-do I go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
3 kids r w/ ex & new gf @ xmas-do I go?
5
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 8:47am
Hi, Happy Holidays to all!! I'm new here and in need of advise from people who understand. I have been divorced for about 5 years now. I have only dated here and there and have no steady man in my life. I am 50, my kids are 10, 12 & 18. My ex has a new g/f who he is with 24/7 (this has been very upsetting to my 10yr old son....another discussion!). My ex has had a different g/f every year but the others have had kids and familys of their own to deal w/over Christmas so we have spent the holiday pretty much together over the years. He has x-mas eve and I join them. I have x-mas day and he joins us. ....I tried to go by them for Thanksgiving this year and it was difficult at best. I do not still carry feelings for him but I do desperately miss the 'family' dynamic. I made it through dinner and. then knew I needed to leave b4 the kids saw me upset. This is really more about the kids than me (although I know it is probably time for me to let go)....I have talked to them about how I feel and I just don't know what to do. Selfish me does not want to be alone at x-mas and mommy me wants to do the right thing for the kids?????????????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 10:57am

That is a difficult spot to be in for sure. And I am not sure if there is a "right" answer here.

Okay - I know I would not go to his house and be upset with the gf.

Maybe what you need to do is split the Xmas/Xmas Eve thing so one of you has them for each (and you can alternate years). Time is running out - why don't you call your exh and see if you can come to an agreement so you can split the time instead of being together?

Hopefully you have somewhere to go so you are not alone.

You will have to rethink this for the next year. Keep us posted. The others usually chime in too but many of them only have internet access at work.

HUGS!!

I am alone for Xmas, too. My exh and I take turns and this is his year for Xmas - so I celebrated a week early with my DS. Now I am enjoying my time to myself. But I was never really used to a big family holiday dynamic like you because I was used to working 15 hour days on Xmas and I only have one kid. But maybe this helps?

Write back -we care!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2006
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 12:19pm
Thanks for lending an ear and some good advise, nice to know you're out there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 1:32pm

I felt like I was reading my story when I read your post. This is my second Christmas after my separation and divorce. We split Christmas Eve and Christmas night and last year spent Christmas morning together with the kids. This year he has a girlfriend (who won't be around but he is constantly talking about her, to her, text messaging her, etc) so I've elected to bow out of Christmas morning with them. I, too, have a "friend" that I will be spending part of Christmas eve with but he will probably be gone by early evening and I will be alone. I don't relish the thought as I know I will be very sad since I won't be with my kids until 11:00am Christmas day. Ex has invited me several times for Christmas morning but I steadfastly refuse since I believe I have to begin to move on. What you said about missing the family dynamic...I can relate to that so well although we never really had it while we were married. I guess I miss what I never had.

So, as the other poster said, I don't think there really is a right or wrong answer. If you can get through it with him and you believe it's worth it to be with your kids, then I would spend Christmas with him. If it's more trouble and heartache than it's worth, than try to find something to entertain you (I plan on having a glass of wine, a fire, and watch a movie) and, also as the other poster said, try to divide your time with the kids and your ex.

Good luck, holiday wishes, and many hugs....

Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 4:46pm

Don't be sad.

At least you get them at 11AM.

Put the time without them to good use - there must be stuff you have to get done? Or perhaps you can make,bake,cook more stuff or spoof up the house or presents and decorations? Or just take a long hot bath and read a book or listen to good music.

We all have to learn to do this and to cherish the time alone in our lives as something special.

I think I have really made peace with that recently - because I have a hobby I really love and realize this is the time in my life for ME. I don't have anyone to cater after, make me upset or look at me like I am just good for one thing. And I am living life!!

I have 2 beautiful dogs - and we are going to hang out and talk to my DS on the phone when he calls. I will spend some time with my parents and sister later. Peace and quiet are good!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 1:12pm
Totally agree with you, West, on the making the time your own. Seeing how M and his X have a custody agreement that is just unworkable (switch the kids @ midnight Xmas eve, no one wanted to do that) and leads to anger and frustration for their whole family, I am glad my parenting plan is as rigid as it is. I plan ahead, knowing which holidays I won't have the kids, and do other things I enjoy. We started out keeping holidays as a family, but that ended as soon as my X's parents came to town. Now everything is separate, and in the long run, I think it is better for us all. It helped speed that letting go process.
And to the original poster, your 10 year old should be expected to be uncomfortable with the GF. Kids that age still harbor fantasies of regaining their intact family and can feel it is disloyal to their parent to even be nice to the new love interest of the other parent. The best thing you can do for your child is to let them know you understand, but don't be negative about your X or the GF. Obviously, it would be nice if your X would have some consideration for the kid's feelings, but with a series of GF's already, I guess it's not likely.