I'm not a child psychologist and don't know what developmental stage a 4 yr old is at in terms of understanding things. I can only share my thoughts about dealing with children as an adult. "Don't take things personally." She's 4 and he's the adult. I believe we are obligated as the non-parent, e.g. boyfriend that our feelings come secondary to the child's behavior.
There are always "good" reasons why children act up, from pain or fear or needing attention or whatever (check the child psychology books-experts). What is coming from your child is primal and not as a cognitive way of dealing with your boyfriend. I believe no matter how much you talk to her that it can only sink in so much because she is not developmentally capable of truly understanding.
If I was him, I would ignore her when she is misbehaving and play and joke with her when she is not. Plus I would not take a 4 yr old's behavior personally.
Right now I am starting this relationship with a widow. She has a daughter who is turning 13 next month. The daughter was very close to her father before he died 3.5 yrs ago and was close to her mother's last boyfriend. She is acting like a typical (in my opinion) pubescent pre/teen, i.e. moody, surly, demanding, self centered, etc. I basically ignore her. I do try to engage in a little conversation with her and joke with her. She is warming up. I am not attached that she has to like me though.
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
Yes and no... she's getting a lot of attention for being rude, she's getting mom's undivided attention and reassurances of love because of her actions and behaviour.
You can either keep her out of the picture, or sit her down and tell her how you expect her to behave and what the consequences to being rude are.
Ignoring the bad behaviour to a point is good- give her one warning that her behaviour is unacceptable and if it continues, the consequence begins- whether it's time out or taking her home and putting her in her room with no toys- you know what is "valuable" to her, so make that the consequence.
Give her a lot more attention and praise when she IS behaving, reminding her that THIS is the behaviour you want to see and even give small rewards for it- like having ice cream for dessert or going for a fun walk to the park.
But sitting and trying to reason and explain to no end with a four year old is too much. They only "get" so much- so focus on the behaviour and your reaction to it. If she was a mouthy teen, you'd ignore her until she was pleasant and THEN you would acknowledge her, so think of it the same with your DD.
How is she with your ex's gf?
"Admire what you DO have, and stop asking for what you don't." Ds-age 8
I think the BF is trying too hard. She is so young still - a preschooler - and she doesn't understand dating. I think she might be doing that to get attention.
For now I think you should spend more one on one time with her and keep meetings with John short and sweet - back off so to speak. She will come around as she ages. And perhaps John has to realize that she is a preschooler and a long range project - not a right now sweetie that adores him right off the bat. She has her own fears and her own needs. I think he should back off and not demand that she smile and like him - let her come to him when she is ready - just stay out of the way.
I wonder if you are so worried that your relationship hinges on John liking you because DD is nice and accepts him that you put too much pressure on the whole situation? Is he experienced with children?
It must be very discouraging AND infuriating. But I would also try to ignore SOME of it. Or ... dont walk on eggshells if you are. I could see if it were me & the guilt was there b.c this is a relationship .... I may let things go I wouldnt if she acted this way around other people. So - try treating her, punishing her, whatever you do - if she were rude or acted that way to ANYone ... relationship or not?
I'm not a child psychologist and don't know what developmental stage a 4 yr old is at in terms of understanding things. I can only share my thoughts about dealing with children as an adult. "Don't take things personally." She's 4 and he's the adult. I believe we are obligated as the non-parent, e.g. boyfriend that our feelings come secondary to the child's behavior.
There are always "good" reasons why children act up, from pain or fear or needing attention or whatever (check the child psychology books-experts). What is coming from your child is primal and not as a cognitive way of dealing with your boyfriend. I believe no matter how much you talk to her that it can only sink in so much because she is not developmentally capable of truly understanding.
If I was him, I would ignore her when she is misbehaving and play and joke with her when she is not. Plus I would not take a 4 yr old's behavior personally.
Right now I am starting this relationship with a widow. She has a daughter who is turning 13 next month. The daughter was very close to her father before he died 3.5 yrs ago and was close to her mother's last boyfriend. She is acting like a typical (in my opinion) pubescent pre/teen, i.e. moody, surly, demanding, self centered, etc. I basically ignore her. I do try to engage in a little conversation with her and joke with her. She is warming up. I am not attached that she has to like me though.
Mark
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb
Sounds like she's getting more reward for being rude to the guy.
Keep her out of the relationship for now and try again in a few months. She doesn't need therapy.
Yes and no... she's getting a lot of attention for being rude, she's getting mom's undivided attention and reassurances of love because of her actions and behaviour.
You can either keep her out of the picture, or sit her down and tell her how you expect her to behave and what the consequences to being rude are.
Ignoring the bad behaviour to a point is good- give her one warning that her behaviour is unacceptable and if it continues, the consequence begins- whether it's time out or taking her home and putting her in her room with no toys- you know what is "valuable" to her, so make that the consequence.
Give her a lot more attention and praise when she IS behaving, reminding her that THIS is the behaviour you want to see and even give small rewards for it- like having ice cream for dessert or going for a fun walk to the park.
But sitting and trying to reason and explain to no end with a four year old is too much. They only "get" so much- so focus on the behaviour and your reaction to it. If she was a mouthy teen, you'd ignore her until she was pleasant and THEN you would acknowledge her, so think of it the same with your DD.
How is she with your ex's gf?
I think the BF is trying too hard. She is so young still - a preschooler - and she doesn't understand dating. I think she might be doing that to get attention.
For now I think you should spend more one on one time with her and keep meetings with John short and sweet - back off so to speak. She will come around as she ages. And perhaps John has to realize that she is a preschooler and a long range project - not a right now sweetie that adores him right off the bat. She has her own fears and her own needs. I think he should back off and not demand that she smile and like him - let her come to him when she is ready - just stay out of the way.
I wonder if you are so worried that your relationship hinges on John liking you because DD is nice and accepts him that you put too much pressure on the whole situation? Is he experienced with children?