5 month mark update ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
5 month mark update ....
32
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:47am

For those who are new, I SORT OF met this guy on line.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 2:26am

Im so glad you seem to have found "the one!" AND that your son accepts him so well

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:46am
Because of his age. And because of my experiences with dating 40+ never been marrieds and from watching friends do that and reading about it here on the board. There is usually a reason why these men are not married - they are usually perfectionist/commitmentphobes or have a real reason why no one would marry them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:50am

You are doing well with the time thing, then.

Okay - keep us posted. We do always love reading your posts. They are hilarious. And the pix are great, too. I guess we all like you so much that we want to see you riding off in the sunset with the gallant gentleman that is right for you!! LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:39am

Your posts remind me of those of firstammendment (now married) when she first came to the board. Her bf seemed perfect for her - she liked him. But he really wasn't in a place in his life to commit to her.

I can remember agonizing over many posts - sometimes she would feel encouragement and sometimes she would be frustrated. Their relationship was never just where she wanted it.

But I do remember telling her - the point is - you want the man of your dreams, someone who is into you and who treats you right and who meets your needs and commits - and this is going to be WITH HIM OR WITHOUT HIM.

She ended up dumping him. And then she met her husband. I think taking a vacation gave her the clarity to realize her bf was not going to change - but her dating habit to him was going to have to change!! I really admire her for taking this step.

I just hope that you can separate what you want from Carlos.

The most successful women can do that. They are willing to get rid of the one who is not clearly and easily the right one who is into them or they are willing to wait for that person to come along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:11am

I understand that, and agree with it generally. But, there are exceptions--and I know quite a few personally (men who have committed for the 1st time after 40)! Of course, who knows about Carlos, but I think work does play a role for almost all of the men I am thinking of (including my stepfather who has been married to my mother for 16+ years...)Usually their identities are quite tied with their profession, and the ones I know are quite successful and sensitive.

I certainly don't want you to get false hope because of this, but it does happen.

Also, I was thinking of his "perfect" statement about you--when/if you open this can of worms, I wonder if he will still think you are perfect. You will be discussing the future....(does he view that as perfect?)

A last note, speaking as someone who has never married, and I'm not sure I ever will, I was worried about making a mistake. I'm sure you all can relate. (Not as worried now--maybe I'm growing up)

Sorry to drag this on for you, and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 9:39am
I think one of th other posters said it best. Those of us who have followed your posts are really rooting for you since we have come to like you and have high hopes for you and Avery. I sincerely hope it works out with Carlos and yes, yes, keep us all updated. I understand the whole thing about calling someone who is in their forties a bf and how that feels. I used to feel weird about calling anyone my bf after the divorce also. it seems so high school in some way after you have reached a certain age. I dont see anything that you arent doing already that would keep you from being a gf to Carlos and the cleaning thing? I have helped my bf fold laundry when he was in a rush but beyond that? We can all manage that on our own until we live together I think!
I dated a man who was 40 for about 3 years and it broke up because he absolutely would not commit in any way that is recognizable so maybe this is why I worry for you and I realize it is probably misplaced. It was the first person I truly loved since the divorce. We spent tons of time together on weekends and certainly loved one another but talking about a future completely shut him down and every natural step in the relationship was a battlefield of emotions. I didnt ever introduce him to my son for this reason because even though I hoped he and I would somehow always keep in touch, it just didnt seem solid enough for my little one to be in the mix. I was truly heartbroken for a while and then after I left and started dated finally again, he reappeared and proposed if you can believe that - some sort of epiphany I guess. Like cl west said about the other poster - it was one of the hardest decisions I ever made to leave him but I really had to for my own well being. Then I met my bf now about 9 months later and we have been together ever since. I guess I am really now a fan of someone who takes the initiative when they realize how they feel and puts things out on the table. I cant believe how many things my bf now does that would have collapsed my ex in two minutes flat. Some men consider making a commitment and voicing their emotions as being weak and overly vulnerable but I see it as sign of strength and self worth.
FWIW I think it is great to take things slow and steady and to me, that doesnt mean you cant still be exclusive and clear about being really together. It seems like you are doing all the right things but without the reassurance of what you two are to one another and that would be too much for me after a while. But maybe you arent there yet and if you really are doing just fine with things undefined but lovely:) than by all means, follow your gut!
I honestly didnt understand the introduction of Avery until I read your post and you are so expressive that now it makes sense to me. I think sometimes it is necessary for everyone to just see that it is possible to mesh the two worlds in a low stress circumstance. It is only then that we know that it is possible to truly move on from our past relationships and get closer to being really happy with someone with all of our life components and people mulling around one another. I used to have enormous trouble conceptualizing that and my bf now has helped me immensely in that department.
So Avery is still sleeping with Mom eh?:) I have friends with this situation. If I were you I would think about naming a few days a week where you two sleep solo and make it into a schedule you keep. She will start getting used to it gradually that way and you can even make it fun by getting her solo sheets or doing something special with her quasi slumber party - ish before hand so that she knows that it isnt rejection but just progession. This worked for my gf and eventually she was able to live with her true love and have people sleeping in the right beds. It is a gradual thing but that always works best for kids anyhow and it will cut down on the jealousy for her if you and Carlos ever get really serious. I know you didnt ask for advice on that but I just thought I would throw it at you - hope thats ok!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 11:22am
You are one cool lady. I tend to have a negative view when it comes to men and dating. My opinions are based on all the crap I've had to deal with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 1:28am

lol, youre not "dragging it out" for me ... but I fear everyone is SICK of this thread!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 1:30am
Thank you for your input .... AND on the sleeping!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 1:31am
I'm sorry you've had crappy men in your life!

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