5 yr. old DD, am I wrong????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
5 yr. old DD, am I wrong????
9
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 10:25pm

So my ex's sister had a bridal shower today. I was a bridesmaid but she dropped me when I left their family, anyways, my 3 yr.old and 5 yr. old are flowere girls, the head flower girls to be exact. I let them go with my ex'smother last night and they stayed the night and came home this evening around 7:30. My 5 yr.old is screaming her head off not wanting to come home.I told her she better stop because I will never le t her go again......

About an hour later we are upstairs and I'm folding laundry laying the baby down for bed and I said why do you do that? Dont you wanna live with mommy? She says yes, and starts bawling. I said tell me the truth, what do you want? Not what does mommy want, what does Angelina want? She says I want to live with my nana. I said you dont wanna live with mommy, she says no. I said wont you missmommy she says no, I dont ever wanna see you again. I said never,. she says never I said wont you miss miss brother and sister and she says no, I wanna live with na na. I said fine go downstairs and let me think. We go downsatirs and she says I wanna live with Chelsea, my ex's new g/f. I said did chelsea say you could live with her ( keep in mind she's only 18 ) and my DD says yeah. I said do you wanna live with daddy, she says no, I said nana, she says no, Chelsea. I said did chelsea say y ou can live with her, because if so I'll call nana and tell her to get ahold of chelsea and chelsea can come pick you up. So I call nana, and say look she doesnt wanna live with me, she never wants to see me again and she wants to live with chelsea, call chelsea and tell her I'll give her a week with Angelina and if it works out fine, then angelina can live with her. Na na goes on and on about counseling which I've been saying since the beginning when daddy first moved out. Nana comes and picks her up.

I said when you are ready to come home call me and I'll come get you. She says ok but I'm not coming home. Give my scholl clothes to sissy and my cowgirl boots. I love you. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut and am like omimgosh. Na na tells her in front of me, you aren't going ot live with chelsea, you either live with mommy or daddy or grandma or nana, and thats only because mommy or daddy live with grandma or nana. She says I dont wanna live with my daddy I'll live with nana. Like she's running the game. I cant handle it. My 3 yr. old and 1 yr. old dont deserve to be treated badly by their sister, so she can go. Right now I am ready to hand her over. Am I wrong. I am so confused and frustrated. I have been a stay at homemom since forveer and my DD doesn't wanna live with me.

My friend asked her why are you hurting mommy's feelings like this, she said well mommy shouldn't be so mean to me. She yells at me when I steal food and she doesn'tfeed me breakfast or lunch. Which is a complete lie, and makes me feel awful. How do I go about fixing my DD and turning her back into my baby or is it to late. help?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 2:41am

Oh sweetie ((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))


You're doing the right thing, and I know it hurts, but it's not forever.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 11:17am

Whoa- hold on a minute! First of all, let me preface my post by saying, this is only my opinion, and I'm sorry if it gets harsh, but ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

Your 5 YEAR OLD decides she doesn't want to live with you anymore, and you're letting her run the show?! And not only that, but you're going to let her move in with an 18 year old non-relative for a week, to try it out, just like that? WHAT?!

You need to not do that. Here's why- once you give up custody of a child, even temporarily, it's very hard to change your mind and decide, oh, yeah, she's a child and has no idea what's RIGHT for her. YOU are the mother. YOU are the adult. YOU make the decisions. NOT the child. NOT the grandmother, either one of them. NOT some teenaged girlfriend of her father. YOU. The parent. That's your job.

If you let her go to a grandparent, girlfriend, whomever's house to live, simply because you made her eat her green beans and she decides she doesn't want to live with you anymore and she thinks she's the ruler of the free world, and hey, this teenager is FUN and never makes me do anything because she's also a child and doesn't know what's best for me either, and she thinks it's fun to PLAY at being a grownup, and she also has no sense of responsibility- if you let her go, you may as well sign over custody, because if any one of those people want to, they could get it, declaring you an unfit mother, since you so willingly gave her up. I know, I've seen it happen.

I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but you need to think about what's best for ALL of your children. Forget about all of the extra people in your life right now, and concentrate on the children. They need you. You are all they have, and they need to be able to count on YOU as a steady, stable presence, who isn't going to give up on them the minute they pitch a hissy fit and want to live with someone else simply because it seems more fun there. Life is always more fun somewhere else. But children need more than fun, that's WHY they have parents to look out for their needs. A 5 year old has no idea of permanency, her own needs, and of course she doesn't know she's hurting you. She doesn't know she needs you to not let her go, but she does. And she may say she hates you, but she needs you to calmly say, "Well, that's okay, but I love you, and it's time to eat your green beans and brush your teeth."

Moody- who is.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 3:42pm

I must say I agree with Moody that you have to take the reigns.

But I would like to add that you and your family and kids have been through a lot. I think your DD has a lot of anger and fear built up inside of her. Go and get her and spend one on one time and you will get to the bottom of it.

You will work it out. Just keep us posted.

Explain to her that she only gets one mommy and that this one loves her very much. Don't take what she is doing personally - remember as a parent you have unconditional love for a child.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2004
Sun, 07-23-2006 - 3:56pm

First, let me start by saying that I'm a long time lurker of this board, but I felt the need to reply to this post.

I'm with Moody on this one. And for several reasons. What you're doing is handing over control of a very difficult situation to a 5 year old.

Can I ask how long you've been separated?

What's more than likely happening is that your dd is acting out because of the separation. Her world as she knew it has been turned upside down and she's feeling lost in the turmoil. You, as an adult, are going through some rough changes, making decisions you never thought you'd have to make, living a life you probably never thought you'd have. And as an adult, you can understand this; make the appropriate decisions based on your know-how as an ADULT. She's 5. The only thing she understands is that nothing is the same and daddy's gone.

Of course she's going to act out against you. As the primary role model in her life she will take out her frustrations on you because she knows she can count on you. She knows that no matter what you will be there for her. You're her safe haven in all of this. And she's testing you every time she acts out including asking to go and live elsewhere. And by allowing it, you've just let her down.

I'm speaking form experience here. When my xh and I split up my kids were 4, 2 and 10 months. My oldest, who was very close to his dad, changed. I didn't even recognize him. He would hit his siblings, yell, not listen, tell lies constantly, throw tantrums and yes, even asked to go and live with mammy (my mom) on several occasions. There were a few times when it crossed my mind to let him go because I didn't know how I would cope another day with him. But it got better when I made some changes. Since you don't have another parent there to back you up (no matter how minimal his involvement was) you have to be twice as firm. Say what you mean, and follow through. What she's looking for is stability. And remember she's 5. She will say things without knowing the depth of what she's saying or the full consequences of her demands. And you as the adult have to know the difference and not take these things to heart and to do what's in the best interest of your child. It's hard, I know, I've been there but it does get better. With consistency, love, and firm discipline (follow-through, not just threats) it will get better. Again, only my experience but it took mine about a year to re-adjust.

If this is one of the hardest times in your life, imagine trying to live it as a 5 year old. She knows things have changed but she can't fully understand them.

As for you, make sure you have some time to yourself (I know it's hard with three) but you need that time to re-charge to be able to handle all of this.

Hugs to you...it does get better.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:09am
Well I letmy DD go with her nana on Saturday evening. I called her yesterday and got the run around as to where she was. Well she was with her father. His mother willnot give me a number I can reach him at,but..... she can call him and talk to my DD for me. So she calls me. She says, hi mommy, and I asked her to come homeandshe said tomorrow, I said ok one more night, and then she says uuuggghhhh I mean Friday. I said NO. Tomorrow, I miss you and you need to come home. I said who is sittinig next to you and she says no one I'm not sitting. I said who is telling you what to say, she says uuugghhhh no one. I said who's there, she said, uuggghhhh, naaaaanaaaaa, and nannnnnnnyyyyy. I said where's daddy and she said uuummmm not by me he's on the porch. I asked again who's telling you what to say and she says no one!!! I told her to put her nana on the phone. I told her nan she was to drop her off the next day by time she did I would have an appt. set up with a family and child therapist. She said oohhh, ok! I asked my DD dont you miss me and she said ye... I mean NO!
What is with her? I dont need this right now, and I know she'sonly 5 but goodness, I have been there 100% since the beginning day in and day out. Not them. My other two hate to leave me, but she cant stand to be with me. She is the angel of that family. My other two aren't. My 5 yr. old was born 4 days after the head grandfather passed away. I went into labor 7 weeks earely the morning he passed away. And they stopped my labor otherwise she would've been born then. She's always been told you're Big Pop's baby. My other two are just in the mix. My other two aren't treated near as good.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:11pm

You do not give a 5 yr old the choice to live anywhere.

If I had let my son make the choices he'd be in foster care.

I can remember the time I wanted to go live with my Auntie. My mom caught me packing a bag and asked me where I was planning on going. I told her and she replied that that wasn't an option, but if I wasn't happy I was free to find a new family that didn't include my present family as nobody thought she was doing a bad job. She went to the kitchen and started to make PB&J's and told me she was going to help me by making sure I had something to eat while I looked for my new family. She said she would be there to help me in any way she could, but she wasn't going to let me upset our family and turn us against each other.

GO PICK UP YOU DD.... She isn't old enough to make this choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:29pm

I know it doesn't seem fair, but she acts out towards you BECAUSE you've been there for her 100%.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 10:28pm
Well my baby is home tonight, after a long ordeal to get her here. I called her na na and she was at work. I said as soon as you get home, drop her off. She said ok, well then she calls and says she cried herself to sleep. I said fine, then I will be over to pick her up, she doesn't get choose anymore, and asked if her dad was there. Well of course not, supposedly he was working but then again he tells the courts he doesn't have ajob. Not but 30 minutes later she drops her off, says she should sleep early she didn't have a nap. Well I didn't say anything but she had said she fell asleep crying. Well my DD hugged her baby brother and said i missed you looked at her sister gave her a hug and then looked at me and said I'm just visting. I said no no honey, you live with me, and wednesday you get to see na na and then friday you are going for 2 weeks so I will miss you very much. She said I will miss you too, but na na cries when I'm not with her and I dont live here anymore. I said well mommy and daddy both decided you would live with me. You are gonna be gone for 14 days and then home for 3 and then school starts. She was like oh yeah. Well I'll miss you and then said......
I'll draw you a picture everyday I'm gone so you wont miss me so much. I almost cried. She did say her daddy mooved out because he said him and mommy argued too much and mommy drove daddy crazy with fighting and he just couldn't take it anymore. And daddy moved out of chelsea's but he does live there but he lives at na na's too...... she is confused.
Her daddy said he would get mad at her if she went to "my friends house" his former boss' house. I said well they are our friends and she said no they are your friends and I dont like them, because their daughter is 2 days younger than mine and she bites and pinches and thats why she cries and doesn't wanna come home, well hopefully the counselor will fix that because my DD and my friends DD were best friends, they are 2 days age difference, and birthdays were shared and.....
hopefully things will change but the last 2 weeks of summer are here and court ordered my kids are going, soooooo anything I do will have to be redone in 2 weeks, uuugghhhh!!!!!! Will keep posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 10:57am

Well, Im glad she's home now -but i also have to say the last thing she needs is to think she is expendable to your household. Kids need & CRAVE stability & rules.

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