5.5 years of insecurities....what have I

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
5.5 years of insecurities....what have I
11
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 9:35am
learned recently? That's ok to be alone. I have been in one or more relationships since my separation/divorce of my X husband. Always thinking that "he" is the one (Judy can vouge for that one.). Only to find out that at some point, I was TOTALLY wrong for one reason or another. I have learned recently that I have always felt I could never be ALONE. Emotionally alone. It didn't matter if the person was close by me or not, but I could not deal with at least having a male in my life that was long distance. 97% of all my X's were long distance. Tell you something? That told me a lot about myself.
Recently, I broke up with my X Fiance. I still love him, he still loves me, I miss his children terribly and the girls miss his kids terribly. It took me a long time to decide if my not moving to Chicago was a good idea or not. I gave up my job, my home, had everything packed. We had one week left, when I started going through a few thoughts in my head. Gut instincts that I ignored and then I decided to do some prodding. I realized that their were a lot of things that we once discussed that had changed. Suddenly he started saying things like "I changed my mind." Well, it would have been a nice to know. It all came down to money and I know I could have still have made the move and everyone would have been happy BUT me. I began to start weighing all of those things. For the first time I started realizing that my life alone was great. That I was doing things all right on my own and I didn't need a guy to fulfill that. That for once, I realized that my X fiance and the others in my past would have harmed me more (emotionally/mentally) then my being alone. I have started to realize that I go after emotionally abusive men. Who put me down and make me feel like I am not good enough or that I am stupid. I have allowed to make myself insecure. It kind of goes to that thread of insecurities and that guys notice that.
Deciding to leave someone I love was probably the best thing I have done for everyone all around. I miss him every day and think about him every day, but we haven't talked since the break up. To forget him, I started dating 2 days afterwards. Yup, same old pattern as I have always had. Then I realized when I started dating this guy, is that I was only hurting myself and I desperatly wanted to forget the pain I was feeling. However, I just couldn't do it anymore. I finally broke it off with that guy, told my best girlfriend that I needed some time from her (because my X fiance was her cousin) and any reminder of my X fiance, I have started to join some activity clubs, going back to school and of course being very active with my childrens lives and making them feel that life is going to be ok. I've made sooo many mistakes. In the last two months, I have reflected on so many things that I have done that became a negative impact on my life. I always wanted that whole American Family thing because I didn't have it. My children want it desperately and I am learning that we are a family without the man. I am trying to teach my children now that a man does not make a family and that they need to learn to forgive. I have now forgiven. I have forgiven everyone in my past, I have let go of the anger, the wrong and everything negative that I felt. I have let go of being the victim. I have realized that my life is pretty darn good. I have been doing great and I've been doing it all on my own the entire time. I am learning to be more proud of my accomplishments and giving myself a well deserved pat on the back. I still have a lot of things to learn, but I am much happier moving forward now. I think this is kind of the point that people find when they have finally healed. I'm still hurting from my break up, but I am allowing to hurt and heal. I am not interested in jumping into a relationship. I want to be left alone right now. I guess I always thought the longer I was still single the more it looked like I was a loser and that I had to force a relationship. Now I am going on 6 years of being single and I am FINALLY, after years of drama from one bad relationship to the next, realizing it's ok to be alone. That I am actually finding the quiet very peaceful. I just wish I had a few more girlfriends close by.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 1:04pm

Wow, Congratulations! There is nothing more satisfying than being content, understanding yourself and being completely comfortable in your own skin. I think that I may be rushing this whole dating thing because I'm not sure what to do with myself and thus the weirdness that has followed.

It's very admirable that you have been able to get to that place of contentment and I am sure only good things will be ahead of you on your path! The greatest benefit is that your children will be just as inspired. Thank you so much for sharing!!

~ Caryn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 3:14pm

There is nothing wrong with being alone. Next month makes my 11 year divorce anniversary-Yipee! I have built a great life for me and my kids, yes it's lonely at times, but I'm so comfortable with my life that I don't ever see me marrying or living together again. I know lots of great women who chose to stay by themselves,and they are a very happy, contented bunch.

It's infinately better to be alone than with someone who is making you miserable.

Good for you for dogging a bullet, I'm sure it wasn't easy, but in the long run you made the best decision. I think some good therapy time (whatever would work for you)and time alone will do wonders for you. I've done some of my best growth and healing when I'm in pain over yet another wrong choice of man.

The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 10:30pm

I second this. IN fact I am so happy alone that I am not sure I would ever want to tie the knot again.

Sorry to hear of your recent breakup, Cat. But it sounds like you made the right decision and are on the right track.

And 11 years, Taina? Yes, you are quite strong on your own - and always happy when you post here. Glad to hear the kids are doing so well.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 9:20am
I have been thinking more and more about therapy lately, because I have found so many things that I've reflected on that I would need some concrete advice. But where would I even find the time anymore?? I have so much going on with the girls, girls sports, girls homework, full time work, a part time job, full time school, my homework and keeping my house in order, cooking. I do not like leaving the girls at home too much alone without me. That is probably one of the big reasons why I have dated so much long distance after my divorce, so I wouldn't have to leave the house to have a good alone time conversation (phone) and having to barely make time to see someone. I can't even imagine having someone close by to me anymore. I think I would feel suffocated. I try to make sure I do not spend time away from them unless I go to school. I have my children 24/7 and I do not recieve child support either since the fathers do not take an active participation in their lives and even if they did, they both live very far away (Germany, Texas). I am just starting to take on a lot of self help tapes and books. Many of them are spiritual books that my colleagues have given me. I am not really someone that attends church, but some of the things that are said has really made me think and change a few of my ways on how I have done things in the past. I guess I'm finally growing up. LOL
Thank you for your nice response.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 9:24am
I have done so much long distance dating that I don't think I could stand having someone in my space day in and day out. I like being alone, but I have always had this feeling of needing to not be mentally alone. Make sense? The physical alone doesn't bother me in the least. lol. Maybe that is why after my divorce, I pretty much always stuck to OLD (except for my X fiance) because OLD is "safe" in the sense of not having anyone really close in my space anymore. But then my XF was in Chicago, so same thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:28am

I'm a huge fan of self help books. I love "Your best life Now" because it feeds my spiritual side. I'm also reading "The secret" but thus far I can't wrap myself around it, but for some people it has been helpful. Bottom line what ever helps (self help books, a manicure, keeping busy with kids;etc)is always a good thing. Therapy can come in many shapes and forms. Feeding yourself spiritually can also be very healing.

One step and one day at a time.

Judy, yes the 11 year anniversary is comming up on May 15th. I think I will treat myself to something really good that day. I was an emotional wreck for the first couple of years, but it was the best decision I ever made for myself. I look at the XH now, and think: "What was I thinking, or was I ?" :-)

The T Girl
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:41am
Thanks for the book advice. I'll have to take a lookie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:42am

You still in San Antonio? I'll come see ya! I'm 4 hours away girl!

~Mel~

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 11:50am
Nooo, my sister lives in SA, Texas. I live in North Carolina. A little far away. :) However, I really like it here, even without family and friends. It is much harder without them but I am adjusting. Getting more involved with the children in sports is allowing me to feel more social. I still carry the scarlet letter of singlehood on my forehead. Most women who are married don't want a friendship with me, but I am finding their are a few that are secure enough to allow me to sit next to them and engage in conversation. LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 04-25-2007 - 2:35pm

The books are good. But what has done it for me is to have goals to work on for myself. I tend to be a very driven type A - and when I have something to do - which is now my athletics - I can focus on that and be totally fine with being alone.

Monday to Friday is a blur of activity with no time to feel lonely. But the weekends can be a different story when my DS is with his dad. But that is usually just one night a week and I am so tired from my workouts that I go to bed early. It is much easier now that I am really used to it. But that takes time.

Now I have gotten really picky. Because I have a lot in my life that I have accomplished - am very settled here now with lots of friends and a great social network for me and DS - and happy just the way I am. I think this board has taught me a lot for what to look for - and I have the rest of my life to find it. No bio clock ticking here!! LOL!!

Also, having 2 dogs does something for making the house happy even when I am by myself!

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