5.5 years of insecurities....what have I
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5.5 years of insecurities....what have I
| Tue, 04-24-2007 - 9:35am |
learned recently? That's ok to be alone. I have been in one or more relationships since my separation/divorce of my X husband. Always thinking that "he" is the one (Judy can vouge for that one.). Only to find out that at some point, I was TOTALLY wrong for one reason or another. I have learned recently that I have always felt I could never be ALONE. Emotionally alone. It didn't matter if the person was close by me or not, but I could not deal with at least having a male in my life that was long distance. 97% of all my X's were long distance. Tell you something? That told me a lot about myself.
Recently, I broke up with my X Fiance. I still love him, he still loves me, I miss his children terribly and the girls miss his kids terribly. It took me a long time to decide if my not moving to Chicago was a good idea or not. I gave up my job, my home, had everything packed. We had one week left, when I started going through a few thoughts in my head. Gut instincts that I ignored and then I decided to do some prodding. I realized that their were a lot of things that we once discussed that had changed. Suddenly he started saying things like "I changed my mind." Well, it would have been a nice to know. It all came down to money and I know I could have still have made the move and everyone would have been happy BUT me. I began to start weighing all of those things. For the first time I started realizing that my life alone was great. That I was doing things all right on my own and I didn't need a guy to fulfill that. That for once, I realized that my X fiance and the others in my past would have harmed me more (emotionally/mentally) then my being alone. I have started to realize that I go after emotionally abusive men. Who put me down and make me feel like I am not good enough or that I am stupid. I have allowed to make myself insecure. It kind of goes to that thread of insecurities and that guys notice that.
Deciding to leave someone I love was probably the best thing I have done for everyone all around. I miss him every day and think about him every day, but we haven't talked since the break up. To forget him, I started dating 2 days afterwards. Yup, same old pattern as I have always had. Then I realized when I started dating this guy, is that I was only hurting myself and I desperatly wanted to forget the pain I was feeling. However, I just couldn't do it anymore. I finally broke it off with that guy, told my best girlfriend that I needed some time from her (because my X fiance was her cousin) and any reminder of my X fiance, I have started to join some activity clubs, going back to school and of course being very active with my childrens lives and making them feel that life is going to be ok. I've made sooo many mistakes. In the last two months, I have reflected on so many things that I have done that became a negative impact on my life. I always wanted that whole American Family thing because I didn't have it. My children want it desperately and I am learning that we are a family without the man. I am trying to teach my children now that a man does not make a family and that they need to learn to forgive. I have now forgiven. I have forgiven everyone in my past, I have let go of the anger, the wrong and everything negative that I felt. I have let go of being the victim. I have realized that my life is pretty darn good. I have been doing great and I've been doing it all on my own the entire time. I am learning to be more proud of my accomplishments and giving myself a well deserved pat on the back. I still have a lot of things to learn, but I am much happier moving forward now. I think this is kind of the point that people find when they have finally healed. I'm still hurting from my break up, but I am allowing to hurt and heal. I am not interested in jumping into a relationship. I want to be left alone right now. I guess I always thought the longer I was still single the more it looked like I was a loser and that I had to force a relationship. Now I am going on 6 years of being single and I am FINALLY, after years of drama from one bad relationship to the next, realizing it's ok to be alone. That I am actually finding the quiet very peaceful. I just wish I had a few more girlfriends close by.
Recently, I broke up with my X Fiance. I still love him, he still loves me, I miss his children terribly and the girls miss his kids terribly. It took me a long time to decide if my not moving to Chicago was a good idea or not. I gave up my job, my home, had everything packed. We had one week left, when I started going through a few thoughts in my head. Gut instincts that I ignored and then I decided to do some prodding. I realized that their were a lot of things that we once discussed that had changed. Suddenly he started saying things like "I changed my mind." Well, it would have been a nice to know. It all came down to money and I know I could have still have made the move and everyone would have been happy BUT me. I began to start weighing all of those things. For the first time I started realizing that my life alone was great. That I was doing things all right on my own and I didn't need a guy to fulfill that. That for once, I realized that my X fiance and the others in my past would have harmed me more (emotionally/mentally) then my being alone. I have started to realize that I go after emotionally abusive men. Who put me down and make me feel like I am not good enough or that I am stupid. I have allowed to make myself insecure. It kind of goes to that thread of insecurities and that guys notice that.
Deciding to leave someone I love was probably the best thing I have done for everyone all around. I miss him every day and think about him every day, but we haven't talked since the break up. To forget him, I started dating 2 days afterwards. Yup, same old pattern as I have always had. Then I realized when I started dating this guy, is that I was only hurting myself and I desperatly wanted to forget the pain I was feeling. However, I just couldn't do it anymore. I finally broke it off with that guy, told my best girlfriend that I needed some time from her (because my X fiance was her cousin) and any reminder of my X fiance, I have started to join some activity clubs, going back to school and of course being very active with my childrens lives and making them feel that life is going to be ok. I've made sooo many mistakes. In the last two months, I have reflected on so many things that I have done that became a negative impact on my life. I always wanted that whole American Family thing because I didn't have it. My children want it desperately and I am learning that we are a family without the man. I am trying to teach my children now that a man does not make a family and that they need to learn to forgive. I have now forgiven. I have forgiven everyone in my past, I have let go of the anger, the wrong and everything negative that I felt. I have let go of being the victim. I have realized that my life is pretty darn good. I have been doing great and I've been doing it all on my own the entire time. I am learning to be more proud of my accomplishments and giving myself a well deserved pat on the back. I still have a lot of things to learn, but I am much happier moving forward now. I think this is kind of the point that people find when they have finally healed. I'm still hurting from my break up, but I am allowing to hurt and heal. I am not interested in jumping into a relationship. I want to be left alone right now. I guess I always thought the longer I was still single the more it looked like I was a loser and that I had to force a relationship. Now I am going on 6 years of being single and I am FINALLY, after years of drama from one bad relationship to the next, realizing it's ok to be alone. That I am actually finding the quiet very peaceful. I just wish I had a few more girlfriends close by.

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I read the Secret also but to me it was like an infomercial, all fluff and hype with no real meat. I like the Law of Attraction better, same concept but very practical with worksheets, etc.
Jennifer sent me a link on one of my posts that was really helpful and I havent finished delving into it yet! It is about finding your authentic self http://www.ingearcoaching.com/authentic.html.
I am a total book worm so let me know if you find any good books to help you out. I have felt that I lost so much of my identity during my marriage because I had been so often put down or rejected (emotionally and physically). And I didnt have a lot of self esteem to start with having had an abusive childhood. But now I am on a quest to find the real me, to be able to be comfortable in my own skin.
--tj
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