abstaining... but not by choice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2006
abstaining... but not by choice
8
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 9:23pm
Ok, I have a problem and would love some advice. I am 24 years old and I have a four year old daughter. I have not had a relationship since she was two. In the past two years I have gone out on, I think, maybe 4 dates (all were miserable). When I stopped dating I didn't mind so much, I was trying to focus on getting my life straight. Now I have a good job, my daughter has started school, my life has been stable and in good shape for the past year, and I am starting to get lonely. Most of the men that I have gone out with in the past year (ok, all Four of them) have been disapointing. 28 year old still living at home, 23 year old between jobs, 22 year old 'party guy', and 27 year old clingy weird guy. My question is, am I being too selective. I wan a guy with a job, a car, a place to live, that doesn't party every night, no recreational drugs, who is not going to call me 7 times a day, and isn't freaked out by my daughter. My friend told me that I have to be less selective, I am a single mom and that turns a lot of guys off, I should settle for someone less than perfect... how did she put it... " find someone more in range". Am I crazy? Should I settle?
Need a little advice from some women who have been there,
-Luci
Avatar for dani20002000
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2000
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 9:53pm
You don't have to "settle" for anything!!! You are young and the right guy is certainly out there. You just haven't found him yet. It will happen. Don't lower you standards and just settle. ~Hang in there~
 BabyName Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 08-31-2006 - 10:05pm

Ok, just because you're a single mom does NOT mean that you have to suddenly give up on the "good" qualities in a person and settle for a jerk *just* to have a guy.


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Avatar for roxanne2020
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 10:27am
I agree with the others, I'm 23 and have a 2 year old son, and when i least expected it I found him!
I went out on some dates too, and they were not good.....but I found someone with all of the qualities I wanted, even my parents never liked the guy I was seeing and they really like him, Just wait, the right guy will come along when you're not even looking,
Don't ever settle for less, and keep doing your thing, going out with friends or taking your daughter places, he's probably somewhere around

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 1:49pm

First off you are young. I can completely relate, but I have only been out of my relationship for the past 5 1/2 months. You may not find that guy until you are 30 or you may find that guy in 3 months. When you stop looking they'll start knocking. Trust me.
Second.. you do not have to settle for anything... You're friend is not a friend if she sees your daughter as a burden. There are plenty of men that want children. For instance my best guy friend wants children, he also wants me and would settle for my 3 yes count them 3 children, and I am 22, and I do not see my children as a burden whatsoever.

You will meet the right guy. Whether on your own or by an introduction, you never know. Good luck and never settle for less than you deserve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 6:41pm

Stick to your list of "must-haves" and do not settle. If you meet a cute man and you learn that he doesn't have steady job and lives with his parents, THEN do not date him. Do not give him a chance. Same thing goes if you meet another party-party type guy. DO NOT date him. It sounds like you've been giving some deal breakers a chance and it's no wonder that none of those relationships went anywhere.

About your friend, her comment sounds catty. I think a single mom has to have higher standards because you need to find a man who will be good for your children if you intend on long-term relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 6:20pm

Hi Luci and welcome to our board!!

To answer your question:
"My question is, am I being too selective. I wan a guy with a job, a car, a place to live, that doesn't party every night, no recreational drugs, who is not going to call me 7 times a day, and isn't freaked out by my daughter. My friend told me that I have to be less selective, I am a single mom and that turns a lot of guys off, I should settle for someone less than perfect... how did she put it... " find someone more in range". Am I crazy? Should I settle? Need a little advice from some women who have been there.."

NEVER settle. Your list is so basic and you must stick to it. A friend once told me, better alone than with Mr.Wrong and I think she was so right. The point is that you are not without a car or a good head on your shoulders, you do not party and do drugs - so why should you accept someone who does one of these deal breakers.

I think all you need is a little patience and a little fun adult activity (that you like!) in your life. Find something fun for you that gets you out of the house and forgetting your woes.

And keep in touch!!

If it helps, I have a few friends in their 20s who have never been married or had kids and they say the same thing as you - it is so hard to find someone mature and responsible who wants a relationship. The guy that sees you as MsRight will not mind that you have a child. I have seen quite a few single mom friends find MrRight and go on to live happy fulfilled lives.

You are young - and you will, too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 3:07am
I am a single mom of two girls. I am also looking to meet "Mr. Right". I don't think you are being too picky at all! I feel the same way you do. You have to be picky this day and age b/c god knows what you might end up with. I have only dated a handful of men since my divorce and they all seem to be lacking something. I feel I have to find someone that is not only perfect for me but my girls as well. Anyway, DON"T SETTLE!!! That is the best advice I can give.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 3:17am
NO WAY should you settle!

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