advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2010
advice
16
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 9:57pm

I am new here and wanted to get some advice because my boyfriend and I have been having a debate about my last name.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2010
In reply to: bdiz78
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 10:13pm

Hi,


My situation is a little different from yours, but enough similiarities too I guess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
In reply to: bdiz78
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 11:00pm

your x is not out of your life if you have

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: bdiz78
Tue, 06-29-2010 - 11:37pm

1. Your bf is not married to you

2. As the kids say, "You are not the boss of me."

3. There will be things that he is not happy with about you. Should you pander to what bothers him? Or should he get over it and be a compassionate and understanding partner that supports you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: bdiz78
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 12:13am




Edited 6/30/2010 12:15 am ET by cl-alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: bdiz78
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 12:21am

You chose to keep the same name as your child, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you are happy with the choice you made, then don't let your bf's petty jealousy make you second guess that choice. So what if you have your ex's last name, you're not WITH the ex, so tell your bf to get over himself.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
In reply to: bdiz78
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 7:14am

I like what Mark wrote – tell him “You’re NOT the BOSS of ME”.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2010
In reply to: bdiz78
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 9:29am

Thanks for all the replies.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: bdiz78
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 10:17am

It sounds like your bf is just stuck on this name thing. Perhaps if there is an impasse like that then you can stop arguing. "Dear, we talked about this before and it is a waste of both of our times to continue to argue. Let's drop it (or talk about something else)." And leave it at that. People cannot argue if one person does not participate.

Did you acknowledge that he is being protective since you said he feels that your ex "owns" you because you have the same last name? Maybe that is all your bf wants, to be recognized that he is now your "protector?"

BTW, I'm a guy and I don't care whether or not the woman has a different name than mine or if she has the same surname as her ex.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2010
In reply to: bdiz78
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 4:17pm

ITA, Mark, if you don't participate, can't argue about it. One of those agree to disagree kind of things.

To OP,
I kept my married name for the most common reason, to match my kids, but also because it had been my last name most of my adult life. Men I have dated always seem to ask if I am using my married or maiden name, and they ask why I chose to keep my married name (my X is a nightmare BTW) Once I tell them I have yet to have a guy not accept my choice. It's a total non issue. Your BF sounds insecure if something as small as this is such a big deal to him IMHO.

QB

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2007
In reply to: bdiz78
Wed, 06-30-2010 - 5:05pm
My boyfriends defense is that he feels my ex still owns me cause I have his last name.


I agree with Decson, your boyfriend sounds controlling and manipulative to a point. I'm not saying he's crazy or that you should dump him right this second, I'm just saying that you may want to watch for other signs, especially because you've said you have a history of picking bad men and you don't want to repeat that.


You need to decide if you want to keep this last name or not. If it is important to you to have the same last name as your daughter then you should keep it. Do not let anyone else dictate to you what your last name should be, and certainly don't let anyone bully you into changing it.


For what it's worth, I kept my ex's last name when we divorced, for the exact same reason as you - I wanted to have the same last name as my son. My ex was unhappy about it, and so were his father and his girlfriend at the time (now his wife and the other Mrs. H). I told them all it was too bad, because he gave me the name when we married and it was my choice to keep it or not.


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