Advice Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Advice Please
7
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 12:39am

Well this is my first post in this chat room. Let me give you a little history. I was married for 18 years to my x and our divorce will be final in 7 days:) He was a alcoholic and verbally abusive person. For the last 4 years of our marriage he worked out of town and came home on the weekends. I knew several years ago that we would divorce again becase of his drinking. I have made peace with this and I am anxious to start a new life. I have read some of the posts and have a couple of questions. It is said that you should not date for one year after the divorce is final and I understand this, not really looking to date to mate maybe just to date and meet people. Anyways it is also posted that one has to look at their involvement of the failed marriage. What I am wondering is if we divorced due to his alcoholic behavior then would my portion of the failed marriage be that I was to passive and allowed it to happen? I feel no lose of what was to be or the happy ever after stuff people think of, that was destroyed years ago, I just want to move on. I like my life right now, working full time, going to school full time and have 3 kids. I enjoy going places and not having to answer to anyone, not being responsible for anyone but my children and myself.

I know that some choices that I have made were not good ones, everyone has them, and I recognize the bad ones that I made in the past and am trying very hard not to make them again. But if I want to go out on a date with someone would that mean that it would not work out right now? There is a guy that I like and we have talked for a few months now either through email or phone calls, I invited him to coffee and he said that he would take me up on it sometime this week. I have thought alot about this, asking myself why am I doing this, what am I looking for. This is a person that makes me laugh and actually talks to me and I am not looking to order china with him, I would just like to get to know him better. Is that wrong? I do know that I don't want to screw up and make bad choices again and that maybe I just want to move on to fast.

I know that this post probably doesn't make any sense but if anyone can decifer what is written and advice it would be greatly appreciated.

singleinwa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: singleinwa
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 1:03am

I don't think that it would hurt to go out for coffee with this man, but that's just me. I would go slow with things though, b/c you don't want to use this man as a rebound kind of thing, you know. But, once again, I don't think it hurts to go out with people and laugh and have fun. Why should you/we have to sit here and ponder about all the what if's and what went wrong's in our marriages. And I don't really think you're to blame for his drinking. People make their own choices and own decisions. Maybe you did turn a blind eye to it, so to speak, but that does not make you responsible for his actions or behavior.

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: singleinwa
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 6:42am

I did make a post a while back on the one year rule - it is pasted below.

With regards to your questions, I think the focus of your life should be to get everything normal for you and the kids. And also to just put you back together again - especially with regards to career, finances, hobbies/interests, social life.

There are pros and cons to dating right away. The cons are that you are vulnerable right now - you probably have a big hole in your heart from the lack of love and the disappointment in your marriage. You will need a lot of strength and focus to get back on the right track - getting new friends and a social life - and dating does take away from this. I also think you might not have the strength to make good decisions with regards to who and also with regards to what - meaning intimacy. It is hard for a woman to stay casual when she has crossed the line into intimacy because it brings out strong attachment and emotions for most.

I know that now, 5 years after my divorce, I am a much different person. I have taken a big chunk of alone time to do this. I have a lot of self esteem and a lot to show for my time and my standards are very high.

But the pros are that you don't want to be alone and you want companionship. And you do like someone now. So you have to make your decision on this. Just be careful that you don't let neediness steer you in the wrong direction. Also, you should be looking for a guy who is "that into you" that he will ask you out and want to impress you and treat you very well.

With regards to your question about knowing the part you played in the divorce, I would say yes, it is your decision for a spouse that was an alcoholic. This could have been something that was just unlucky - maybe you never knew about it or you were young and ignored the flags. But maybe this is in your family and you have work to do with counseling so you don't let it happen again.

Whatever you decide, WELCOME!! We are happy to have you here and to help you in any way we can - we hope you will stay and participate in our posts!!

How are the kids doing?

________________________________________
I agree with the one year rule. I would interpret it as one year beyond the final ink from the divorce. And I believe, after going through it all, that is a kind figure - more time should be needed.

First of all, it isn't really final until it is final. You tend not to put the house in your name, sort out all of the financial stuff, let the new custody/visitation stuff sink in and get on with your life until the ink is dry. And all of this takes time - much more than a year in my opinion. And that was with a friendly divorce - no contests. I believe if there is a battle over finances and custody it would take much longer.

My checklist would include:

- enough time has passed that custody/visitation is not an issue anymore - it is much like getting gas put in the car
- you have all of your financial ducks in order - not sweating the bills
- you feel happy and in control of your life - on all fronts - how you look, what you are doing, what your house looks like, your career, your kids - no drama
- you have found yourself again as a single individual
- you have developed new friends and new interests
- you know why your marriage failed - and what the 50% contribution from you was - it could be that you made a poor decision with your spousal choice or that you failed to set boundaries or whatever - but you can totally know WHY and how you will do it different
- enough time has passed that you see your divorce as a blessing
- enough time has passed that you have mourned the loss of a marriage and a spouse deeply; this goes way beyond the period of bliss that you feel when you are free of a failed marriage and bad spouse; it is a deep and sad loss in my opinion

I have passed through all of these things. IN the beginning it was euphoric to date a lot of people through online dating. But I would have made bad choices. I have been "not dating" for 2.5 years and have really developed myself and healed.

I am in a much different place. The funny thing is that while I am very sure of what Mr. Right will be for me, I am so okay being single that I am not in a rush to find him. He will see my positive points and treat me like gold. He will not have any red flags for a positive relationship. And I won't have to do any real work to get this - just be myself.

I am busy being very social with lots of friends and activities - and it is just a matter of time before I bump into him.

I hope this helps somehow. I don't know what you would call all of my rules or tips - but they certainly take more than a year to achieve. It took me 4 years after a 10 year marriage. I believe I would have arrived faster if I wasn't trying so hard to date and be with someone the first 2 years.

I feel 17 again!!

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: singleinwa
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 9:20pm

I don't ascribe to the one year rule, but I think the factors and reasons that people say to wait a year are good one's.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
In reply to: singleinwa
Tue, 10-18-2005 - 11:08pm

I can honestly say I know what you went through, since my ex is an alcoholic.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: singleinwa
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 12:09am

I would like to thank all of you for your advice. I think that my x working out of town for the last four years of our marriage has made it an easier transition for my kids, they are not used to having their dad around except on weekends, and with myself it has shown me that i can do this on my own and ya it is hard and how do i fit everything in a day that needs to be done but it is working. I am happy with my life right now, my self image and doing things that i didn't before. Looking at my interests, this year i think that i am going to try skiing:), i am beginning to find the person that was lost for so many years it is nice to find her again.

My kids are 15, 13, and 6 are they are the best kids ever! (I am sure that all moms think that:)) My older two are in counseling to help them deal with their feelings and to help them deal with their dad on so many levels. It is hard for me to know that i can't protect them (not that he EVER hit them) the way that i used to but i have faith that i have given them skills and their counselors have given them skills in dealing with him. Setting boundaries is a new thing for all of us and we are working hard at it.

The biggest reason that i stayed with him for so long was financial. I wasn't in a position to support the kids and myself until this past year. I know that i don't ever want anyone in my life that drinks or even has a hint of a drinking problem, past, present or future. I have been over him for quite a long time and i am releived to be rid of him, i am able to see how he tries to suck me into his web or control and i am able to say no, no more! Big step!

As for coffee with this guy, we will see what happens. I am not looking to 'date' anyone right now but if the opportunity falls into my lap then i will take it, but also will be moving at a snails pace and if he has a problem with that then that is his problem, not mine. I do worry about the guys i am attracted to and i don't think that he would fall into that catagory but i am leary. I so don't want to screw up any more. I also agree that this is kept from the kids, this is grown up stuff anyways not kids stuff.

singleinwa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: singleinwa
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 6:43pm

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself for why you stayed so long. I think you gave him all the possible chances you could - it is what anyone would do, especially with a kid involved and when you were done you were very sure you were done. I think he was gripped too far into the disease and there is no way anyone can control that except for him - and it is obvious he cannot do that on his own. I hope that some day he will do it for himself and his son.

Alcoholism is a complex disease with such disastrous and heartbreaking consequences. They have done a lot in the research department as to why - and it is clear that some individuals are just destined for that. They are also making strides with some promising medications for the future.

This statement that you write is so so true:
"You don't want to be filling a void with another man- that void needs to be filled on your own, and ONCE that is filled, then you find a man who will be a wonderful ADDITION to your life."

I really think that everyone underestimates how large and deep and painful this hole really is and how hard it is to fill it when you have focused your whole life on your kids and marriage. It takes a big effort to "find yourself as a single individual again." But that really is the key to attracting Mr. Right instead of Mr. Right Now.

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: singleinwa
Wed, 10-19-2005 - 6:44pm

You sound like you are going to do just fine. And you have gotten great advice from the women here on this board.

I am glad you joined us and hope you will stay!!

Good luck and keep us posted!

signature