Advice/opinions please.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Advice/opinions please.....
18
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 11:01pm

Background - I have a wonderful best friend (BF) who has always been there for me. Going through the last stages of my abusive marriage she was my lifeline. My ex's behaviour was escalating and very unpredictable so we set up a safety net - I called or emailed her each night before bed and first thing in the morning to assure my wellbeing. If I spoke the code word or she couldn't reach me, she would call 911 etc.


Once my ex and I split up he became convinced that I had been hiding an affair from him for two reasons 1) due to the elusive emails and phone calls I was making 2)

Rosecolouredspecs

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 11:09pm
I completely understand what you are upset about and I think you did exactly the right thing. You cant expect your request to not sting her a little because even if she is getting a teensy ego boost from it ( human enough, right?) she also believes she is trying to help. However, I think when she has had time to reflect, she will see that it is your feelings that matter here because YOU are her friend, not him. Am I correct about that one? Sounds like you went through the absolute ringer with your ex and she is well aware of that. You dont need her letting him lean on her at all - it is near betrayal in my book. She might not see it that way especially if he is calling her on guidance about your kids but I still bet she is itchy about it a little when he calls her. She needs to listen to that discomfort and read it accurately - by talking to him she places herself in the middle and she belongs next to you because she started out there as you guys were splitting up. I hope that isnt oversimplifying it but unless your ex was great friends with her for the duration of the marriage/slipt up and divorce, I dont see why she needs to talk to him really.
I am having a hard time staying neutral tonight. SYB is feeling sympathetic toward his abusive sister and I am having trouble listening to it. Boundaries are a b**tch, arent they?? If you were here we could enjoy a glass of organic wine together I think!!
HUGS....
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 11:20pm

Oh Rose, Thats so hard! It will be horrible if he comes b/w the 2 of you!


I think you just absolutely need to stand your ground. Abusive people are manipulative & his contacting her, & her contacting you, can only lead to a REALLY bad issue b/w you & her.


You have every right to feel as if you do. & she can choose to feel how she does. Hopefully she chooses to stay out of it.

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Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 11:48pm

You don't need her letting him lean on her at all - it is near betrayal in my book.


Phew!!! Thanks City...that is exactly how I was feeling about it. I am so used to being a peace-keeper that I have never been great about setting boundaries. I normally try to let things roll off of my back but

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 12:08am

Thanks Rebecca....I do feel that I need to stand my ground on this one. Hopefully she will think about it and understand my point of view. Her immediate reaction was one of anger saying that she didn't ask to be put in the middle of this and that she has other things she can be doing with her time...I said I absolutely agree (but I know that isn't what she wanted/expected me to say).

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 12:21am

I would've said the same thing to her, you're not out to lunch on that one.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 12:26am
I think you are absolutely right to let her sit a while with the conversation. She needs to review some of it in her head before you two talk about it again. It is harder for her to put it all in perspective than for you since you were on the front line so to speak even if she was your support. I would be more disappointed and angered by her actions than his at this point if she continues to press the issue at all since really you might have expected this manipulative move from him. From her, you deserve the right to expect better. Maybe she lost sight of the big picture but you are right to remind her of it so she can think better of it next time. And speaking up now about it was clearly the right move because he would have taken advantage of the situation as long as he could and until the two of you put a stop to it. Rest easy and know you have done everything right here. Its too bad you have to reign people in occasionally in situations like these but as long as you have close relationships and your ex is in your life and your childrens there will unfortunately be situations like this one. I imagine that realization has hit you hard today and made you feel even worse but there are a lot of us on here that can relate! I can also relate to not having the support system or family I would have hoped for at this point so each of the people I hold dear is really precious to my emotional balance. Having someone toggle that around is a violation and I would be upset just like you are. As hard as it is, try and let time pass as she processes what the two of you talked about - I have a feeling your next conversation with her will be better.
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 7:58am
I agree with you - your friend cannot allow him to put her in the middle. You did good to set a boundary - just give it time to settle in. You must tell both of them that and then stick to it. A reminder every now and then might be in order.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 8:47am
I do want to point out your friend is LETTING him put her in the middle. So dont YOU feel any guilt at all about it.

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Rebecca, Mom to Averey, 2/8/00, Kibo, Sana & Zuri too!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 9:10am

Hi,


OK So knowing what ive been through you need to see the big picture here. He is an abuser and control is a classic abuse tactic. He couldnt control you yesterday when he couldnt reach you via phone so hes grasping in all directions. He reached to the closest part of you your BF. Your friend will understand but she may not see it for what it is at first. Especially because abusers are sooooo good at being a chameleon and charming to get what they want. She needs to sever all contact with him because if he gets his way he will control you through her and alienate you from her. Abusers like you to feel alone and like the world has turned its back on you...not so! Remember that!!!!!


(((((HUGS)))))
M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 11:01am

But you cannot control what your ex or your friend does.

Rosecolouredspecs

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