After the love dust settles...question

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
After the love dust settles...question
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Mon, 05-05-2008 - 6:09pm

For those of you (Shrimps, QueenB, Isysmoon...anyone else?) who have been through the attraction/infatuation love dust stage and now into or entering the next stage...


How are you working it?


This next stage...I know that according to the experts the magical infatuation endorphins start lower after 18 mos to three years...and then you enter a stage which I think is about really seeing one another in true light, and bonding beyond that initial chemistry. Reality stage- How did you feel going through that or have you yet?


This past weekend marked my 1.5 year with Blue Eyes. I admit I am somewhat of a romantic, or love junkie. I hope that the next phase when it happens is one that brings as much happiness.

~Pacific~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 6:42pm
I call this the reality and empathy phase. I know him now at almost 2 years and he knows me - we are very real with one another and our flaws are all out in the open. Some are charming, some are not. Some are works in progress and some are still below the surface just peeking through. We address our faults with one another freely, and laugh at ourselves and one another without much editing anymore and this to me is a relief. The empathy factor to me is the one that will see us through to deeper love. SYB understands my past pains and even accomplishments enough to know where and why I might be lacking in some areas - it makes sense to him and he either feels for me and rubs my back or literally walks me through the steps of how to get past something if he has been there already and done that. For example, I am horrible with finances but WANT to do better. The sight of bills gives me anxiety from when I was paying everything taking care of my Mom. He sits with me now and we talk through them. All bills are getting opened. He brings them upstairs and gives them to me and kisses me and I know he gets it. I also have simple things like laundry and changing a tire I was never taught to do and am fairly uncoordinated with sports. Instead of judging me about these things or wondering who dropped the ball, he has figured out that I was in a practice room my whole childhood and just never got shown how to do such things. I am getting better but I am behind on most practical stuff even though I have been taking care of my son and I alone for 8 years. There are things for him too that I have noticed and took note of but now that I really know him, it all makes total sense to me; understanding these parts of him makes me feel like I am finally loving all of him. Now that we live together we have found out all sorts of things about one another too - it has been eye opening! But mostly we have relaxed. I realized wonderful things like he loves to cook and is great at it. He doesnt care if the house is messy or dirty so I can stop slaving over it and play violin if I feel like it. I have figured out that he tlks the most when we are moving so sometimes we take long walks and he opens up about what he wants for us and how he feels about his life. I think in all honesty this is our best phase yet. I loved the honeymoon stage but I feel way luckier in the reality and empathy phase because I could only suspect or hope I might be lucky earlier, KWIM? Now I know I got it right when I met him!
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Lilypie - Personal picture
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Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 6:55pm

understanding these parts of him makes me feel like I am finally loving all of him. Now that we live together we have found out all sorts of things about one another too - it has been eye opening! But mostly we have relaxed.


This is great, and gives hope! I sense that many people (maybe myself included) have always felt that when the love dust potion starts to settle and you feel less intensity in attraction, that it means the love is fading. I like how you say "but mostly we have relaxed". This is what I am looking forwrd to. I've loved the infatuation stage, but I'm sort of looking forward to the next phase where we can relax also and be OK with one antother without all the "make up and mirrors". I guess that I want to feel that comfort yet have it be with someone who I know chemisrty exists.


I loved the honeymoon stage but I feel way luckier in the reality and empathy phase because I could only suspect or hope I might be lucky earlier, KWIM?


I do know what you mean. That makes perfect sense! I would like that kind of bond. Like getting off the adrenaline producing roller coaster with him....but still hand in hand walking together. Thanks for haring this City!

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 7:02pm

I might consider myself a recovering Love Junkie, in the light of this question...


In the past, I used to THRIVE on that first-love high and infatuation!!! I loved that feeling, and I never wanted it to end! And then once it did end (or faded)- I would be disappointed in the "lack of love" because it didn't feel like a high anymore. And then we'd break up. So for a large chunk of my pre-married days, I went through several 2-yr relationships that never worked out. Not really because of a mismatch exactly- but more because I was a Love Junkie, and wanted to keep on feeling that hit to get my fix.


My marriage was a whole 'nother thing. We were so mismatched- but jumped into marriage too quickly

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 7:03pm
I know what you mean. I have in the past had relationships where I have felt like things faded and the chemistry faded after a year or so. But we have continued taking risks with one another and I think that has made the intimacy grow and bonded us to the point where the chemistry reignites almost. Does that make sense?
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Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 7:24pm

Shrimps- I just got such nice goose bumps reading that :o)


I love what you said about you and Hiker. It's wonderful and that is what I hope for! I think I am seeing beyond my love junkie stage. I know that I want more than that! I want substance! I am entering this next phase optimistically even if I am cautious.


As for sharing mutual passions- I think that is what really brought BE and I together. We have so many mutual interests. I've never met someone as crazy about music as I am and

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 7:36pm

continued taking risks with one another and I think that has made the intimacy grow and bonded us to the point where the chemistry reignites almost.


Yes, that does make sense. I think good relationships will take some effort on both parts to keep things going- and that means taking risks on exploring more together, and keeping communication open.


Blue eyes once said many months ago "After you learn everything about me and there is no more mystery..maybe you will get bored!" But it occurs to me that people are always evolving and changing and learning therefore always having something new to share with each other. I hope to feel bonded and relaxed yet still excited about each other...like you have found with SYB!

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 7:38pm

So I didn't muddy it up for you??? I'm surprised! This whole thing seems so hard to put into words! I just know I like how it's been moving along, and how it just doesn't have to have a destination. A destination just makes it seem like there's a stopping point. I love what Mark says about having nothing but the present or the moment. So all I want with Hiker is as many present moments as possible. No destination- just to share moments and experience life together. If we get to the end of one of our lives and realize that we'd spent it all together, then that's all we could ask for. :-)


Until then- it's just moment by moment.


I know..as I get a kick out of reading how Hiker brings ice cream and then it probably sits there and melts as you two never get through a movie or whole sports game...I love it!


I have to correct you on this one. We love the ice cream more than each other I guess- because we ALWAYS finish the ice cream before we start on each other! LOL


I bought Hiker a t-shirt a couple of years ago that said "Powered by Ice Cream" on it- because he literally lives for ice cream! We'd both be HUGE people if we didn't just keep on working out.


~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 7:46pm

LOL!! Ice cream- the afrodisiac! Geez...what flavor do you guys GET that sends you flying into the bedroom?? hehe.


No- you did not muddy the waters! I am in the same camp as you and mark in the "live in the moment"...even though I sometimes start to look down the path. I've got a analytical brain that absorbs researchy kind of stuff (like the love phases and what to expect) so I start thinking too much sometimes.


I so agree with "no destination". I am happy doing this also right now! I love hearing reminders of how that works for others like you and Hiker :o)


Pacific...strolling through the ice cream isle in seach of the love flavor..yum!


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 9:53pm

Hi Pac,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 9:19am
Da** Shrimps...You are spot on!!! Its what i was saying in one of my posts about the prince...I was consumed with not having the butterflies but then i realized I had them with him and we are now on to a different love and its peaceful and wonderful. My heart feels full when i think of him. The infatuation stage was crucial i think because it brought us to where we are now. I spoke to him last night and we talked about CP and my hesitation to move forward and the realizations i made this weekend and it was just freeing to fully open up to him and put it all out there. I think thats what love is too...putting it all out there with no hesitation or fear of a backlash. I was like a monkey just flingin poo at him and he stuck his face out instead of duck and cover (DD and i discussed monkeys and poop in length this morning on our drive to daycare LOL 2 year olds are a blast really). And you know when im missing the butterflies i now pull out our old photo albums (yup kept them all these years...i think another sign) and i remember what gave me them and why i fell for him in the first place :0)

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