After the love dust settles...question

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
After the love dust settles...question
20
Mon, 05-05-2008 - 6:09pm

For those of you (Shrimps, QueenB, Isysmoon...anyone else?) who have been through the attraction/infatuation love dust stage and now into or entering the next stage...


How are you working it?


This next stage...I know that according to the experts the magical infatuation endorphins start lower after 18 mos to three years...and then you enter a stage which I think is about really seeing one another in true light, and bonding beyond that initial chemistry. Reality stage- How did you feel going through that or have you yet?


This past weekend marked my 1.5 year with Blue Eyes. I admit I am somewhat of a romantic, or love junkie. I hope that the next phase when it happens is one that brings as much happiness.

~Pacific~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 9:30am
Yay I am so glad you two are doing better....I must have missed that update in the midst of my housing crisis going on over here....I totally agree with everything you wrote. I really think keeping the fire ignited has everything to do with exactly what you did recently with your Prince, continuing to take risks and upping the intimacy level. We are very complex really and it should take a lifetime for us to even fully know ourselves let alone someone else...I figure the more we open up to one another and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, the closer we feel to one another....so many couples at the 1-2 year mark just become nervous about that journey either within theirselves or in revealing who they are to someone else and then things go dry IMO. YAY for you taking the plunge and letting him in on what is going on in your head and heart!!
ue
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 12:15pm

Hi Pacs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 12:29pm

We're at a new level now where we are discovering what we want out of a long term life together.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 12:34pm

It is exciting, yet scary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 12:37pm

After our heated discussion regarding living situations and opposite shifts I told him I was tired of the chaos in my life and that I am ready to settle down and build a life.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 12:43pm
Yeah we've come to an agreement and a possible compromise if the shift thing ever came to light.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 2:50pm

I so appreciate your post, Dance!


You've come along way! I am proud of all the inner discivery you have done and the honest path you are on!


I could say so much more but I will stop with just saying "thank you" and for being so open....

~Pacific~
~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 2:59pm

Thanks for this post, Isys!


I know what you mean about the crash and burn..I have felt somewhat that because BE and

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 3:04pm

Here is a rather scientific approach:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Fisher_(anthropologist)

I think her work is quite good.

1992

In 1992, anthropologist Helen Fisher, in her ground-breaking book the Anatomy of Love, postulated three main phases of love:

1. lust - an intense longing.
2. attraction - an action that tends to draw people together.
3. attachment - a bonding progression.

Generally love will start off in the lust phase, strong in passion but weak in the other elements. The primary motivator at this stage is the basic sexual instinct. Appearance, smells, and other similar factors play a decisive role in screening potential mates. However, as time passes on , the other elements may grow and passion may shrink — this depends upon the individual. So what starts as infatuation or empty love may well develop into one of the fuller types of love. At the attraction stage the person concentrates their affection on a single mate and fidelity becomes important.

Likewise, when a person has known a loved one for a long time, they develop a deeper attachment to their partner. According to current scientific understanding of love, this transition from the attraction to the attachment phase usually happens in about 30 months. After that time, the passion fades, changing love from consummate to companionate, or from romantic love to liking.

Similarly, according to psychologist many see love as being a combination of companionate love and passionate love. Passionate love is intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness of breath, rapid heart rate). Companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy not accompanied by physiological arousal.

2004

Both men and women use physical attractiveness as a measure of how 'good' another person is. Men often tend to value attractiveness more than women. In fMRI brain scans published in 2004 by Rutgers University evolutionary anthropologist Helen Fisher, in the early intense stages of falling in love, there were clear differences in male and female brains. Men, on average, tended to show more activity in two regions in the brain: one was associated with the integration of visual stimuli, and the second was with penile erection. Conversely, women in these early stages exhibited increased activity in several regions of the brain associated with memory recall. Fisher speculated the evolutionary source was in the need for females to identify males whose behavior over time suggested they would help the female raise her offspring. However, in terms of behavior, some studies suggest little difference between men and women. Symmetrical men and women begin to have sexual intercourse earlier, have more sexual partners, engage in a wider variety of sexual activities and have more casual sex.

2006

In 2006, her MRI research, which showed that the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus become active when people are madly in love, was featured in the (February) National Geographic cover-page article: "Love - the Chemical Reaction".

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Tue, 05-06-2008 - 3:17pm

Great article!


This is the part that had me asking:


Passionate love is intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness of breath, rapid heart rate). Companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy not accompanied by physiological arousal.


I guess that one key to realize that this is natural and to enmbrace this, and know it will lead to a more sure and bonded relationship.


Great food for thought!! Thanls for this post, Judy-

~Pacific~
~Pacific~

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