Age 32, Mid-life Crisis! I lost it AND..

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Age 32, Mid-life Crisis! I lost it AND..
10
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 10:21am
I am so ANGRY at myself.

I was at work and out of the blue I compeletly broke down and had a serious blubber whale scenario going on. It was awful. It's never happened to me.

I have been under some very serious stress and I haven't been able to talk to anyone. I have been able to make everyone miserable though!

I absolutely tore that poor kid I was dating to pieces, because I didn't get to hear what I wanted to. I feel so awful and guilty now, but I tried to apologize, made it worse and I just freaked him out, so, he's gone. I haven't had anyone to talk too, so I tried to talk to him and THAT DID NOT WORK. What is he supposed to know about my life. He has no clue what goes on in my life and suddenly I get all cry baby and whiney, then nasty, angry and very mean. Ok, enough of him. Just feel awful and guilty now and wish I could make it up, but he doesn't understand, or relate and therefore is playing the stubborn child. I should just not try to apologize, right? I already did, so I should leave it alone, right? I just hate that he thinks I have turned into the wicked witch of the west.

Now, to understand why I am just a little off beat. Here is what's going on!

Here's what's going on!

I am going through such a bad time right now.

LIke I said, I had a crying jag in the middle of work. They sent me to a therapist yesterday, who said I needed serious time off, because I was over worked, my homelife is an absolute mess with trying to take care of two ADS children, and then Alex is dyslexic and Nina has neurodermatitis and alleriges,

Let's not forget the manic depressant mother that LIVES WITH ME. Won't let me have friends over or makes everyone that comes close to me run. The same one who expects me to hold her hands and she won'T LEAVE MY HOME. Don't even try to give me advice on that one, because now even my therapist that I told, was like "UH-OH" that woman has PROBLEMS. She has been telling me for years and years; but lately ALL THE TIME that I am worthless because I have loser friends, loser men, I can't keep my household in order, that without her I am nothing and can't stand on my two feet and if I did want to leave her, then she'll kill herself. So now I actually believe I am a nothing.

Then I am fighting for childsupport and custody rights against two deadbeat fathers, both of which are wreaking havoc my life.

Then I want to leave the country, but I am scared to bits! My mother of course is making a lot of problems and telling my oldest how awful it is their. So my oldest doesn't want to go, she wants to stay with my mom, but that would be the biggest mistake, because of my mothers mental problems.

I want to leave the country, because I am being selfish. I want to start a life back in the States. I don't know if it's the right choice, but I want to give it a whirl. I want to be able to buy my own home, get on my two feet, speak the language without feeling like I might say something wrong or unintelligent. Be taken seriously and maybe eventually, FINALLY find a relationship with someone that I can share my life with. Ok, this is like THE last want, not must, but a nice to have.

I also want to go back to school and further my education. If it happens, I don't know, but at least I have the option. Here I don't.

Have childcare for the girls, all day schools and a special learning disability school for Alex which is a thousand dollars a month, but they offer financial aide and Alex would probably qualify, with me being a single mom.

I could get into more of the school stuff with the girls, do more things for myself maybe. Like join organizations, see my old friends and be with my sister.

Here I feel stuck and unhappy. You have all experienced my lovely dating scene that has been nothing but mental abuse in my life. AND if I don't ruin myself, then the other guy walks out, because he can't handle not so much the kids, but MY MOTHER. My fits, my depression, my whatever. LOL

I just see no forwards and backwards anymore. I am stuck in a rut and all I want to do is throw myself a pity party or make things WORSE for me.

So my plan. I need therapy. I started my drugs today that I got from the Doctor and I have an appointment with a therapist here from work and another one lined up in November. Once I can start feeling positive that I'm not a "F$%§ UP" maybe I can make myself proud and make my children proud of me.

I know it's a mid-life crisis. It's been building for months now. Just not knowing how to move forward, scared too and making bad choices in everything that I do.

I realize I am hurting myself by not learning from my mistakes. I am finding unhealthy relationships, or relationships I KNOW aren't going to work, either because of goals, age or they are leaving. So basically, I am abusing myself and my body, because like my Mom says, I am no relationship material. I should just give it up and quit thinking someone will be out their for me. BUT I REFUSE! I just need help to get out of thinking I am worthless. I'm not, but subconsiously, I do things that prove otherwise. Then I wonder, I my life is where it is now.

BUT again, relationship is bottom line. I need to stand on my feet and prove I can do everything by myself and help the girls, get them organized and most important, make them happy and give them a home they can finally call their own.

I am so angry with myself for letting it get so far. I'll let you know how things go, but remember when I start saying EVERYTHING IS FANTASTIC. THEN WATCH OUT! Because it's the drugs talking. LOL I think I won't be able to say Fantastic about anything, until I start getting help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:35am
AWW SWEETIE (((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Sorry you're going thru such a rough time.

I'm not going to give any advice, other than: you keep venting here. We're here for you.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:40am

HUGSSS!!!!


Im 32 with twin boys who are both in special education for reading and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:53am
Oh, Catherine. I wish I were there to just give you the biggest hug.

Forget about young guy. You tried to apologize once, just leave it alone.

It's time to focus on Catherine and on Alex and Nina. Period. Mom must be shoved to the backburner, the back of your mind, even if you can't get her out of your home.

What kind of meds have they prescribed? When do you start therapy?

My personal opinion - which I KNOW you didn't ask for - but I'm sharing anyway. You've been through alot this year. Do I really need to tell you that? You need to cut yourself a break. This isn't a midlife crisis - I expect you to live past 64! This is simply Catherine waking up from the stress induced doldrums she has been in - asking herself "WHAT am I doing? WHAT do I WANT? WHAT is important to me?" Therapy is a good thing - you will surely benefit. I think you would also benefit from having some friends just seriously love you up. I'm amazed at what you went through, totally by yourself, while still dealing with your daughters and your mom. I was surrounded by TT, my parents, my siblings, and three very close friends, and I just about lost my mind, anyhow. You are allowed to have an off day. You are allowed to have an off week. Drop your expectations of perfection for yourself, and reach out and get the help you need. What to do as far as moving or not moving will make itself evident to you - as you relax.

HUGE hugs to you, girl. And forgive yourself. We all make mistakes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:24pm
HUGE HUGS TO YOU. I understand your pain, and my heart goes out to you. You really have a lot going on right now. You are under a lot of stress and that's why you lost your cool with your BF. Just let it go. Don't apologize again, and don't beat yourself up about it.

Most important: You are a good person, and you are worthy of a relationship or anything else you want, and DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE. You know you believe it, you just forget it sometimes because you have someone speaking negative things to you all the time. That would grate on anyone's nerves and sanity.

Although you are probably embarrassed by your break down at work, it's probably the best thing that could have happened. You hit the bottom, now there is nowhere to go from here but up. Take the medication, it will help you, and keep going to therapy. That will also help. Don't be embarrassed about it either. It's not a sign of weakness. Considering all the things you are juggling in your life, it was bound to happen sometime.

You are on the right road to helping yourself. Pat yourself on the back for recognizing it and just go with the program, and don't let anyone talk you out of it either.

Your post struck me like a lightning bolt. I lived through the same thing you just experienced. I don't live in another country, but other circumstances are similar. My dad belittled me my entire life. Knowing what I know now, I think I was suffering from depression way back in high school, but didn't know it. I just went along with life, and then I hit rock bottom. My exh left me with baby twins, but I managed ok. Then when my sister ran off with my BF of two years, that was it. I hit rock bottom and almost had a nervous breakdown. All I wanted to do was die. But I loved my kids. I got into therapy and I got on medication. I'm a different person today than I was three years ago when I went through all of that. I still see my therapist about once a month, and I really don't care what people think or say. My family never could understand it. They thought my depression was a temporary thing due to my relationship breaking up. NOT. Through therapy, I realized that my problems went way back to my childhood and my dad -- how he always put me down and belittled me. I am #4 of 5 girls: My oldest sister is the smart one (always got straight A's); the second sister was the athlete; the third sister (dad's favorite) was the pretty one; and my little sister (mom's favorite) was the baby. Where did I fit in? I didn't. I was made to feel like I was nothing. To this day I struggle with self-esteem issues, and it's because of my past.

You said, "So now I actually believe I am a nothing." Please don't do that. I know things look bleak right now, but try to focus on all the things that you have accomplished. And believe me, your kids will be proud of you, no matter what. My kids saw me at my absolute worst, but they still love me and want to be with me all the time. When your children get old enough to understand, they will remember all the things that you did for them, and they will be proud and grateful. Children's love is unconditional, and there is nothing you can do that would make them stop loving you.

You also said, "I am so angry with myself for letting it get so far." Stop doing that. Just let it go. Everyone makes mistakes, but don't beat yourself up with them. You will learn that through therapy. After you have been in therapy a while, take a look at your life and try to assess what YOU want and what is best for you and your children. If that means you move back to the states, than that is what you should do. Just try to put off making that decision until things are a little more settled in your life.

You should be proud of yourself. You took the first step -- to get help. The rest is down hill from here. It's a long process, and nothing gets fixed over night, but you will see results. Keep telling yourself what a good person you are. I know that's hard. It was real hard for me to do that. I use to look in the mirror and tell myself how much I hated myself. Now, I'm proud of what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm not perfect, but I've come a long way, and I know I'm doing the best that I can. One sure way to convince yourself that you are a good person is to take a look at your beautiful children. I always say that my twins are the one thing that I did right in my life.

Please be gentle with yourself right now. "I am no relationship material. I should just give it up and quit thinking someone will be out their for me. BUT I REFUSE! I just need help to get out of thinking I am worthless. I'm not, but subconsiously, I do things that prove otherwise. Then I wonder, I my life is where it is now." You do it because you can't help it. You've been beaten down by mom so much, that you are starting to believe what she says. I don't know your mom, but I'm so angry with her right now that I'd smack her if I could. You know your mom has a mental illness. Take that into consideration when she starts belittling you. Whatever you do, don't believe her because it's not true. It will take some time, but you will get there.

I'm sorry this is so long, but my heart just bled when I read your post. I've been exactly where you are. And I know you don't know me, but I struggled back from what I considered to be my lowest point in my life to where I am today. Like I said, I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty happy with my life right now. As for a relationship, no, I don't have one right now, but that's ok. For what it's worth, I think it might be beneficial for you to take a bit of a break from dating, but that's just my opinion. It's just that dating can caused added stress to your life, and I think you have enough stress right now. I just want you to know that you can turn your life around, just like I did. You have started on the right path. And just know that there are people out in the world, like the people on this board, that think you're a good person. Good luck to you and post whenever you need to. I'll always be here to listen and hopefully help you.

Donna

Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 12:48pm

(((((Catherine)))))


I don't have anything to add hon. But I am soooo very glad you're in therapy and ready to do something to change the things that are weighing you down.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:26pm
Could you possibly have PMS as well? I'm 33 yrs old and I've noticed that I turn into a lunatic about 10 to 7 days before I get my period. I don't have PMS for the whole 10 to 7 days prior to my period. It kind of peaks for a couple of days in there. It's bizarre. I never had such bad PMS until I hit my 30's. Like you, I have a lot of stress in my life, but during that PMS window period I can't handle it. I might fly off the handle, become downright evil, or cry like a baby.

I make a reminder for myself on the calendar of when I might expect PMS. I avoid having any 'talks' with my boyfriend during this time. I avoid confrontations with my ex. And, I try not to let my son's hyperactivity bug the heck out of me.

Mid-life crisis is very real too. I thought I'd never had one. But, it started this year and I think that crisis will continue until the day I die.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 5:58pm

Sending all my hugs!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 11:10am
Thank you all for responding to me. THank you Donna. It helped to just talk it out, because other than you ladies, I really don't have anyone. Last night my Mother, threatened me again last night to take off overnight and then enjoy to watch me struggle and ruin my life. I didn't let her get to me, I told her that was fine, she can leave. We don't have childcare centers here or anything, but I'm tired of worried about how I can go to work and have my girls taken care of without my mom. So I talked to my friend Maggie and she said, that if my Mom did move out over night, she would move in. She works a part time job around the corner and she's basically my best friend, who is planning on coming to the states with me for the first 2 months until I am settled. So, it made a silver lining, but I still have a long way to go with myself. I am basically killing myself within. Just punishing myself with all the wrong people surrounding my life. Dating and sleeping with men, that I know are just out for fun and games. I am tired of thinking I don't deserve to find someone in my life. I am tired of getting used and abused, or using and abusing others. I hurt other people the second I notice them get close. As I said, I do the "How to get rid of men under 21 days." game. That's awful, it's cruel. Especially how I do it. I start out making them think they hit the ultimate dream woman and then POW, I turn on them in such a cruel way. I do that because they all usually are very quick to falling in love with me, making promises, or wanting to marry me. So, I test them. I start doing everything and anything to drive them away and then I wait to see how they react. Do they run, or do they fight against it? Basically, can they take the heat of stress and responsibility or is it just talk. That makes me a bad and bitter person more and more the more I see them run.

I deserve to get hurt over and over and over again, because I have learned to believe from my Mom and Father that I am no relationship material and no one will ever want to be with me, because I am a single mom, my children have problems, I have severe baggage from my past, I have ADD, I have no real education, I had cancer and no one will ever want a sick woman. I am a nothing. Need I go on?

I see myself becoming my mother, or the hardness of my father. I don't want to be that way. I know I am a good person. But, I don't let anyone see it. I don't dare to let anyone close. I am a very sad and worried person. I am tired of being alone and I am tired of being so angry.

I am angry about everything. My situation with my family, my situation about having been sick, not being able to fall in love, not being able to organize my life like other people, because I have ADD. Not being more positive. I am angry. I am tired of all the thinking and worrying and stressing. I want my girls to see a happy mother. I want them to see I am somebody, but in this country, I look at myself in the mirror and see a nothing. The one my family talks about. I know their is more in me, that I have the potential to move on, but I am scared. It's like my feet are stuck in instant cement. I can't seem to get out and the steam roller is coming. I want to fight against it all, but I am not sure I have the strength anymore to do it.

I thank you all though, and you are all very good to me. You have always been through it all with me and big hugs and kisses to you.

- Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 8:34pm
Sorry to hear you are having such a rough spot right now. You do have a lot on your plate. You must be a really strong person or you wouldn't have so much to bear. And 32 is so young for so many troubles. You are not nearly close to mid-life yet.

I send a hug. And some best wishes. Do you think all of this is happening to urge you to the states? It sounds like you are not happy in Europe and your mom is not being supportive at all. That is not fair to you. I do not like having people around me like that either. Would she stay in Germany if you came here?

I think that you have to take time to take care of yourself and your girls now. They are very beautiful from the pictures on your site.

This guy is not worth your time - you need to wait for a guy that sees your strengths and beauty and wants it for himself flat out - all on his own. This takes time. A lot of time it seems. Don't settle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:40pm
Catherine:

I'm sorry, but I'm a little behind the times. I read your response a couple of days ago, but I have been so busy that I haven't had time to respond back. Your posts have moved me unlike any others, and that is because I see myself in those posts. I am reminded of the struggles I went through when I had my "breakdown" three years ago. I just want you to know that there is someone out there (me) that understands. You are not alone. Just knowing that I wasn't alone made me feel better. If you ever want to "talk" and don't feel like posting, you can e-mail me at dzimmerman@mkmnlaw.com. I'll always "listen" and try to offer encouragement whenever I can.

As for your post, I know you post those things because that it what you are feeling in your heart, and it feels good to get it out. When a person is depressed, they can convince themself of anything, and that person, at that moment, can't see the real truth. Plus, you are living with constant negativity from your mother. It's hard to see the good in yourself when you are presented with only negativity. You did the right thing. Don't let her get to you. Walk away and don't argue. That's hard to do, I know. Always take the upper road. Then tell yourself that she's wrong, and let it go. Don't punish yourself with her words. Just like with my sister. I finally figured out that your greatest nemesis only wins if you let them. If you let them get to you, they win. If you blow off what they say, YOU WIN.

As for your self-esteem, I totally understand where you are coming from. Battling low self-esteem is a long, hard process, and I am still going through it. When you grow up thinking you are nothing, because that is all you here, you start to believe it. If parents only knew the long-term damage they do with their words. What you have to do is de-program your thinking. Therapy will defintely help you do this. I know this sounds silly, but you have to try to convince yourself that what you are hearing isn't true, that you are a good person, and that you do like yourself. You have to "talk" yourself into feeling that way.

As for dating, don't beat yourself up. It's all a domino-effect; it's all related to your low self-esteem. Once you go to therapy and get to like yourself again, you will have a whole new outlook on dating. You won't be doing the things you used to do.

You said, "I deserve to get hurt over and over and over again, because I have learned to believe from my Mom and Father that I am no relationship material . . . I am a nothing." THAT IS NOT TRUE, and deep inside of yourself, you know it's not true. No one deserves to be hurt. Like I said, when you are depressed, you don't see the truth. So once you are on medication for the depression, you can more easily tell yourself that you are worthwhile, and worthy of a good relationship. You mentioned the "how to get rid of a man" games that you would play. That's also related to your low self-esteem. You're scared. You don't want anyone to be close to you so they can't hurt you, so you sabotage the relationship to drive them away. I had similar feelings. After my exh and exbf left, I trusted no one, and I put up a wall whenever someone got close to me. And after my exh left, I dated anyone, people I would not normally choose, and I allowed them to not treat me very well, because I felt that was all I deserved, and a really nice guy wouldn't want to be with someone like me. That took me a LONG time to figure out, and it is also related to feelings of low self-esteem. Now, I don't think things like that any more. I was in a relationship with someone who I thought was a prince. I had some doubts, I even posted about it. I wasn't being treated the way I wanted to be treated, and I ended it. I also posted about an older man that I just recently started dating, and I'm not crazy about that situation either, and I'm going to end that too (whenever I get up enough courage -- I'm a bit of a chicken when it comes to confrontation). The point I'm trying to make is whenever you get stronger about yourself, you will be able to realize what it is you want in a man and not put up with behavior that you don't like. You will tell yourself that YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT, because you do. Believe me, you will say that. I never thought I would, but I did, and then Mark got the boot.

You do have the strength to fight this. You made the first step -- getting help. Keep it up. I understand your frustrations about dating and falling in love. I share that frustration. My exh left 7 years ago next month. He's remarried, and I'm still alone. That frustrates the hell out of me. So, I try to tell myself that the timing just isn't right, and that someone is out there for me. Someone is out there for you, too. The time is not right for you. You have to be ok with you before you can be in a productive relationship -- and that day will come -- sooner than you think.

I really wish I could be where you are to give you a big hug. E-mail me whenever you need to. "Keep Pushin' On" (REO Speedwagon).

Donna