Age difference?
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| Sun, 02-27-2005 - 9:55pm |
Hi all! I'm new here. My name is Kiya and I'm the proud momma of Isaac (6) and Sophie (4 in 11 days!)
So, I have to say that at the age of 27, I have had the hugest crush on someone for a couple months now, and on Valentine's Day, I sent him a rose with a note attached to it. I didn't sign my name but I did write something that I knew he would recognize as being from me. I was right, he knew it was me and he very shyly asked me if I wanted to get together. So we did. We went on a 4 hour date and had a lot of fun. We played tennis and then had lunch and then played 3 games of pool. (And I even won one! :)
He is smart (an engineer turned teacher) and sweet and thoughtful. He loves kids and does not mind that I have two (I have dated men who did and it's horrible!). He seems really interested in me, we're getting together again tomorrow after work for a bite to eat or something. He really seems like a great guy. The thing is, as you could guess from my discussion title, he's a lot older than I thought. He LOOKS young, he ACTS young, I guessed 31-33, no older than 35, TOPS. Well, turns out he's 41. I know that 41 is not old, I'm not saying it is, but I'm wondering if the age *gap* is significant enough to be awkward. He's 9 years from 50. I'm 23 years from 50. He's only 6 years younger than my mom. I'm not trying to be shallow or anything, I just want to be realistic and I don't know how I feel about the 14 year age difference. I wonder if I should be *glad*. He is older, he knows what he wants, his priorities mesh well with mine. I'm used to dating guys either my age, a little younger or a little older, and none of them know what on earth they're doing or what they want. They felt weird about me having kids with someone else, they were used to doing what they wanted, when they wanted, and that's not how my life is.
I'm just feeling scared all of a sudden. I talked with him today and we were talking about how sore we both were yesterday after having played tennis on Friday and he made a comment about how we'll have to do it more often so it will get less painful. It kind of freaked me out. I think part of it is that because he is so much older, I think he is really looking to settle down, have a family, etc. and that kind of scares me. I have never had a really good longterm relationship, and because I separated from my children's father when I was 5 months pregnant with our youngest, I have just learned how to be on my own. I am fiercely independent, and the thought of molding my life around someone else ~ timewise, financially, etc. kind of scares me. I don't know. Not only do I not mind being single, I actually really like it. But what am I missing out on by being alone? Possibly a wonderful life partner, someone to travel through life's adventures with. A person to talk to about my day, someone to share happy memories with. But what if it's the wrong person? I believe that you should never go into a marriage or anything like that if you have *any* doubts, but I think I will *always* have doubts, because I will be scared.
This guy really is a great guy, and the last thing I would want is to hurt him in any way. I am just nervous about relationships and I'm nervous that the age difference is a big deal and then I feel bad because it's a big deal.
Is it normal to want to be alone? To not want to put the time and effort into a relationship because you're scared it won't work out? I don't want to be hurt and I don't want my kids to get hurt. We have a nice little life, the three of us. Part of me doesn't want someone to intrude on that. But then I think of what it could be like with somebody ~ maybe he's watching a football game and I'm on the couch with a cup of tea, reading. Doing my own thing, but enjoying being in the same space. Things like that make me feel happy thinking about. But it's the actual making decisions about things that scare me, even the decision to get to know him better.
Why do I feel like this? And it's not because I'm not a loving person, I am! I have many friends and I am very caring and affectionate and lovey. I guess I'm just afraid of giving up *my* life, the one that I am used to. AFter putting my kids to bed, I am just here alone to play on the computer or read or watch t.v. It's quiet, I don't need to talk to anyone, I don't need to wonder what anyone else is thinking or feeling. I don't need to have sex. ;) I can just.. be. And I like it. So, what if that means I *should* be alone? Is that what it means?
Can anyone relate? Sorry this is so long. Any feedback would be wonderful and thanks for letting me join in!
~ Kiya

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Hi Kiya,
Welcome to our board. I hope you stay and post more with us!!
I read your note and almost felt like it was me writing that. I agree that it is scary to think about changing your life when you are comfortable being single and especially when you have two kids to think about.
This new guy sounds really nice, though. It sounds like he is into you and your kids and that you two have a lot in common. I really like how you sent him a rose for Vday! Very cute. And it is nice that he asked you out again!
I don't really see that age difference as being a big deal. Especially if he looks younger as you say.
For now, try not to worry too much about the future and where this will go. See how you two do over time and how he makes you feel. While I think it is important not to date anyone you wouldn't marry (ie red flags such as addictions, abusiveness, cheating, lying), you also have to go with the flow and not put too much weight on it at the beginning.
I hope this helps.
>>>Is it normal to want to be alone? To not want to put the time and effort into a relationship because you're scared it won't work out? I don't want to be hurt and I don't want my kids to get hurt. We have a nice little life, the three of us. Part of me doesn't want someone to intrude on that. But then I think of what it could be like with somebody ~ maybe he's watching a football game and I'm on the couch with a cup of tea, reading. Doing my own thing, but enjoying being in the same space. Things like that make me feel happy thinking about. But it's the actual making decisions about things that scare me, even the decision to get to know him better.<<<
This is 100% perfectly normal. If you were saying that you can't stand being alone and really hope this relationship works out so you don't have to be alone anymore <- that would be unhealthy. You do give up something by being in a relationship, but you gain something too. You have to decide if you want to take that risk, but not right this minute. Get to know this guy more, spend time with him and down the road it will be clearer to you whether you want to build a life together with him or keep the one you've got.
It's also normal to not want to get hurt, but it's not realistic. To have a life with someone, you have to take a risk. It hopefully works out just as you plan, but if not, you will be sad. That is okay, it can still be worth trying for even with no guarantees. If we never felt sorrow, we would not appreciate the happy times as much and we would not experience as much personal growth. The way we minimize the risk to the children is to not involve them too early, and to be really sure the person is in it for the long haul before we let them take on a step-parenting role.
My mom read or heard somewhere that some people come into our lives for a short time and some people come into our lives for a long time. They all teach us something about life or about ourselves, and we should appreciate whatever we get from them (and be happy if we gave something to them too). Who knows what the future holds with this guy, but he sounds great so focus on having some fun for now.
Edit: If your apprehension about getting to know him better does not disappear, then look closely at him and the situations you've been in and see if there are any red flags you are trying to ignore.
Edited 2/28/2005 9:35 am ET ET by firstamendment
Hi Kiya,
Just wanted to introduce myself.
http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">![]()
My mom read or heard somewhere that some people come into our lives for a short time and some people come into our lives for a long time. They all teach us something about life or about ourselves, and we should appreciate whatever we get from them (and be happy if we gave something to them too). Who knows what the future holds with this guy, but he sounds great so focus on having some fun for now.
I have this saying in a Flavia poster on my wall.
http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">![]()
I'm dating a 41-yr-old man and he's great. Age and experience has made him a better man. But, I'm 34 yrs old. So our age difference isn't that great.
I think age doesn't have to be an issue, but you seem uncomfortable with it already. Go with your instincts.
Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it.
As fivesense said, I do already feel uncomfortable about it, and so often I have ignored that gut feeling and ended up getting into relationships with men that just aren't suited for me. We have talked a bit and gone out again for dinner since I last posted, and he is a great guy. There is nothing about him that really bothers me. He is a wonderful listener, he is patient and wise (but not in an "old" way) and understanding. He's fun and he has a good sense of humor. He is a really great guy.
Firstamendment ( I think) said something about "red flags" and there has been something bugging me a little bit, that may be considered a red flag. I should preface this by saying that I am very independent, so I may not be the most objective person, but he seems a bit needy. But knowing me, if I wasn't complaining that he's needy I'd be complaining that he's emotionally unavailable. Argh. But when I say "needy" I don't mean he's overbearing, or that he's bugging me or anything. He just seems, hmmm.. how do I word this? Overly enthusiastic? Like yesterday, we had tentatively made plans for dinner but then something came up that threw a wrench into the plans and it became kind of stressful. It was obvious to me that it just wasn't a great night to do it and that it would be best to reschedule our plans. But he was practically bending over backwards trying to "fix" everything so that we could still go out. It was stressful for me and I felt pressured.
And our first date.. we played tennis and it was SO fun. But the next day both of us were SO sore, lol. We talked on the phone and I was laughing about how sore I was and he said "Well, you know what we need to do about that? Play more tennis!" Which I thought was kind of cute and funny but then he went on to say "No, I'm serious, we really should plan to get together every week or something to play. That would be fun."
This was after our first date, which I just thought was a little much. He was lighthearted about it and I know he is looking for activity partners as he is a very active person, but I still thought it was a bit much.
I really do like him, but with these things combined I wonder if it really is a good idea to try to build something with him when my heart really isn't into it. But I have a friend who thinks I am SO picky and I will find something wrong with EVERYone. My response to that is "I can afford to be picky, because I don't mind being single." But then I wonder if she's right. But I have been in horrible relationships before, and it is not something I want to do again. I would rather have a nice life as a single mom with my kids than be in an unhealthy/unhappy relationship that saps my emotional/mental reserves that I really need to be a good mom.
Anyway, thanks again for everyone's responses. I really appreciate it.
Can I ask one more question about something being normal?
I am a relatively young mom, having had my kids at the age of 21 and 23. I will be 41 when my youngest graduates high school (I don't think I am having any more babies). That is so young to be an empty-nester. It will kind of be like starting a second adulthood, you know what I mean? The ability to travel and explore hobbies, etc. Being a young mom has been hard, but a good thing about it is that I will be SO young still when they are grown and gone.
So, sometimes, I try to picture my life after they leave. I am a very simple person. I always picture myself sitting on a porch swing reading a book with a glass of iced tea, or working in the garden, etc. But in all my "visions" of what my life will be like, I am always alone. Not in a sad way. But in a "free" way. That for the first time in my adult life, I will be on my own. To explore ME. I got pregnant at the age of 20, as a junior in college. I never had an "adulthood" without kids. As much as I love my kids and am not rushing their childhood at all, I do look forward to just being ME. And the fact that there is never anyone else in these visions doesn't bother me. Should it?
There is a board here for Childless Living, there should be a board as well for "Marriageless Living". :)
Thanks again! Sorry to be kind of a pain!
~ Kiya
I think it is a turnoff when the other person is overly excited/eager. It's probably not you, it's probably something in you isn't feeling it with him. If you felt it (whatever it is) you would be interested/excited to get to know this guy more. Sometimes a new person seems to have everything we would want in a partner, so it's hard to pinpoint why we aren't interested. But if you aren't, you aren't.
It's great that you can picture your life without a man and be happy about that. If you find one that you do want to share your life with, great. If not, great too.
Oh man Kiya, I love it when you said: "I can afford to be picky, because I don't mind being single."
http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">![]()
I can understand your point about feeling stifled or overwhelmed. However, I think you should give it more time before you throw in the towel. I think that you are so used to being alone that you are not used to having someone give you attention. He sounds like a really nice guy. And you need to give it a chance to see if you click - the very next date could turn things around.
Maybe you just make him very nervous because he likes you a lot and it is always very awkward in the beginning? Do you feel any sense of chemistry or attraction with him?
I don't think you should try to picture your life at 41 now - that is way too far in advance. And while we all don't really "need" someone - it is nice to build a life of memories with someone who can be a best friend and support. Someone to sit on the porch with.
But like everyone here said, don't settle - if you keep feeling more pressure/anxiety with each time together then you should throw in the towel. Be sure to set boundaries with regards to free time to share.
Hi and welcome to the board
When I read your first post, I was ready to say, give him a chance and try not to stress too much about all of this because after all, you had had only one date.
but reading this second post, does make him sound a little needy and definitely not the type of guy for a fiercely independent young mother like yourself. I think you should follow your gut on this one.
As to your new question, I do have a SO whom I live with so my situation is different but I also was a young mom, had my first at 21 and my second at 24. I am divorced from their father. My SO would like to have kids with me and I have decided over the last few years that this is really not what I want. I can see a future of travelling and having time to do things for me, and starting over now, with babies would put an end to that future. So there is nothing wrong with you and noone can tell you how you should feel. If you like being alone, then that is the way you should be.
I do wonder if you really want to be totally alone though, would you have sent this guy a rose with a note? I do wonder if you are using this as an excuse because you are afraid.
Not trying to second guess you, I'm just thinking that maybe you do want someone at least some of the time. And maybe before you decide you don't, you should be sure.
Hugs
Tara
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