Age difference, again

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Age difference, again
6
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 2:07pm

I’m hitting a wall and I don’t know if I can get over it.

I am 36, and he is 51. I met him at an Argentine tango milonga (dance) a while ago. We have been out several times, and he is showing the signs of being “into me”. He asks for the next date either while we’re out, or the next day. He sends me “Thinking of you” e-cards in between. He remembers what I like to eat, drink or listen to. He gave me a CD with the soundtrack of the movie we saw on our first date. He told me outright that he likes me, and a dozen sweet little compliments about my hair, my eyes, my smile, my hands etc. He breaks out into a goofy smile when he sees me : ) He wants to know what I am looking for in a man, and has made sort of joking comments about taking up some of the things I enjoy doing, like swing dancing. He obviously wants more than just holding my hand and kissing (blush… a very good kisser!) We have a good time together, we share similar interests and have no problems talking on a variety of subjects. He understands that my children come first as far as my time goes (his two teenage children are in Argentina, where he is from, he’s lived in the US for 5 years. Yes, he is divorced.).

So what’s my problem? The 15 years between us. I can’t help thinking that he looks more like my father than my boyfriend. And he really does look his age, and maybe even more (FWIW, I've been told I look younger than my 36). We went to a nice classy piano bar at a posh hotel Friday night, and as we were getting to our table, I almost made a comment about “older crowd”, and then bit my tongue just in time, because most of them were his age. So, is it terribly shallow of me to be hung up on age when most other things seem to check out nicely so far? There is actually one other thing that bothers me, and I have already expressed my displeasure – he smokes. Not a lot, and he doesn’t reek of it, but still. I know I would not want my children to be around a smoker, but obviously we’re very far from that point. And he doesn’t seem to be fundamentally opposed to quitting, but I’m not making any assumptions here. In any case, had he been a non-smoker, the age would still be my stumbling point.

He is making dinner for us this Thursday at his place. I am hoping we can have a nice open conversation about what each of us is looking for. I am thinking that would be a good time to bring up my concerns about the age difference, but at the same time I am not sure if I should try and give it (or myself, mainly) some more time to see if I can get comfortable with it, or if I should cut him loose before he gets too “into me” and would get hurt if I do eventually decide I can’t go on. Because he really does seem like a nice guy, and is not just after “a sweet young thing” for trophy value, you know what I mean?

Galina

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 2:42pm

He might be "into" you, but you definitely don't sound into him. You don't have to feel guilted into liking every guy who is nice to you. It's been my experience that people get less nice the longer you know them. So, you better have strong passion and admiration for a person up front. Being strongly attracted to a man will cushion the let down when people stop being so nice and start being themself.

You can give him a chance if you really want to and as long as it's not out of a sense of guilt or obligation. But, you might not like him any better after giving him that chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 2:44pm

TT is 11 years my senior.

Galina, if you are uncomfortable, can't "get over" the age difference, etc. - than get out. It has nothing to do with you being shallow, it has nothing to do with him not being a nice guy, it has everything to do with you are uncomfortable. Period. If you have to convince yourself - you simply aren't that into him - which is FINE. And you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.

Also - is that the crowd he normally hangs out with? A "much older" crowd? For the most part - TT is the oldest one in our group. And our group is a very fun, active, mentally YOUNG crowd. Neither of us are ready to slow down - and had he been part of an older, settled, crowd - I doubt I would have been that into him.

Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 3:38pm

Hey there... my current SO is also 11 years older than me... that's out of my targeted range and it took me a bit to wrap my mind around it, but not




http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 3:43pm

I really don't know what kind of crowd he hangs out with. He plays in a band (Santana tribute), he likes jazz and often goes to a jazz club that's very small, cozy and upscale-ish, but when we were there last week, he was probably one of the oldest guys there, there were definitely people my age and younger there (this is not the same place I mentioned in the first post). So it's not really that he's acting old, it's the fact that I can't seem to feel attracted to him because of his age.

I definitely do agree that the attraction and admiration should be mutual, and I have gotten out of relationships in early stages when it was obvious it was very lopsided on the guys' part. This is the first one where the age difference has been that significant. And it's not that I am fundamentally opposed to older guys, I guess it all just comes down to chemistry, on all levels. In this case, the physical is missing, even though the other ones - intellectual, emotional - seem to match up fairly well.

Thanks for the replies, it's always nice to have an independent opinion to put things in perspective.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 4:15pm

Honestly, I think this is ONE TIME where logic does not and should not rule. What does and does not work for you in a relationship, I believe, relies heavily on chemistry and very little on logic.


He might be great. He might be more "into you" than any other man ever has been. He might be more interesting and share more of YOUR interests than any other man has been. But, if it's not there for you, and the age thing is a problem, then I don't think you should try to change your mind or force chemistry.


I have a sister who's been married for 7 years to a wonderful, stable, good provider, great dad, willing lover, type of man. She met him when she was 17 and he was 25. He was ready to settle down and picked my fun loving sweet attractive sister to do it with. She was never IN LOVE with him. Never crazy about him. She even broke up with him once. He begged and even talked to our mother trying to figure out how to get her back. Sister felt guilty and sad for him and went back with him.


Married him for stability and a ticket out of the house. She got both. She has NO Chemistry with him. And she's depressed in her life. And bored. And unhappy. And is unsure if it's worth gutting it out for the rest of her life.


Don't go with logic here.


That's my two cents on it.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 4:21pm

I agree Beck. This would fall into the "don't marry someone you think you can live with, marry someone you don't want to be without" category.


If you can think of anything you'd rather do than marry him, then DON'T marry him.