Age difference?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Age difference?
13
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 9:55pm

Hi all! I'm new here. My name is Kiya and I'm the proud momma of Isaac (6) and Sophie (4 in 11 days!)

So, I have to say that at the age of 27, I have had the hugest crush on someone for a couple months now, and on Valentine's Day, I sent him a rose with a note attached to it. I didn't sign my name but I did write something that I knew he would recognize as being from me. I was right, he knew it was me and he very shyly asked me if I wanted to get together. So we did. We went on a 4 hour date and had a lot of fun. We played tennis and then had lunch and then played 3 games of pool. (And I even won one! :)

He is smart (an engineer turned teacher) and sweet and thoughtful. He loves kids and does not mind that I have two (I have dated men who did and it's horrible!). He seems really interested in me, we're getting together again tomorrow after work for a bite to eat or something. He really seems like a great guy. The thing is, as you could guess from my discussion title, he's a lot older than I thought. He LOOKS young, he ACTS young, I guessed 31-33, no older than 35, TOPS. Well, turns out he's 41. I know that 41 is not old, I'm not saying it is, but I'm wondering if the age *gap* is significant enough to be awkward. He's 9 years from 50. I'm 23 years from 50. He's only 6 years younger than my mom. I'm not trying to be shallow or anything, I just want to be realistic and I don't know how I feel about the 14 year age difference. I wonder if I should be *glad*. He is older, he knows what he wants, his priorities mesh well with mine. I'm used to dating guys either my age, a little younger or a little older, and none of them know what on earth they're doing or what they want. They felt weird about me having kids with someone else, they were used to doing what they wanted, when they wanted, and that's not how my life is.

I'm just feeling scared all of a sudden. I talked with him today and we were talking about how sore we both were yesterday after having played tennis on Friday and he made a comment about how we'll have to do it more often so it will get less painful. It kind of freaked me out. I think part of it is that because he is so much older, I think he is really looking to settle down, have a family, etc. and that kind of scares me. I have never had a really good longterm relationship, and because I separated from my children's father when I was 5 months pregnant with our youngest, I have just learned how to be on my own. I am fiercely independent, and the thought of molding my life around someone else ~ timewise, financially, etc. kind of scares me. I don't know. Not only do I not mind being single, I actually really like it. But what am I missing out on by being alone? Possibly a wonderful life partner, someone to travel through life's adventures with. A person to talk to about my day, someone to share happy memories with. But what if it's the wrong person? I believe that you should never go into a marriage or anything like that if you have *any* doubts, but I think I will *always* have doubts, because I will be scared.

This guy really is a great guy, and the last thing I would want is to hurt him in any way. I am just nervous about relationships and I'm nervous that the age difference is a big deal and then I feel bad because it's a big deal.

Is it normal to want to be alone? To not want to put the time and effort into a relationship because you're scared it won't work out? I don't want to be hurt and I don't want my kids to get hurt. We have a nice little life, the three of us. Part of me doesn't want someone to intrude on that. But then I think of what it could be like with somebody ~ maybe he's watching a football game and I'm on the couch with a cup of tea, reading. Doing my own thing, but enjoying being in the same space. Things like that make me feel happy thinking about. But it's the actual making decisions about things that scare me, even the decision to get to know him better.

Why do I feel like this? And it's not because I'm not a loving person, I am! I have many friends and I am very caring and affectionate and lovey. I guess I'm just afraid of giving up *my* life, the one that I am used to. AFter putting my kids to bed, I am just here alone to play on the computer or read or watch t.v. It's quiet, I don't need to talk to anyone, I don't need to wonder what anyone else is thinking or feeling. I don't need to have sex. ;) I can just.. be. And I like it. So, what if that means I *should* be alone? Is that what it means?

Can anyone relate? Sorry this is so long. Any feedback would be wonderful and thanks for letting me join in!

~ Kiya

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
In reply to: kiya3s
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 8:58pm

You guys are SO sweet for taking the time to respond to my posts with such wonderful thoughtful replies. Thank you SO much.

Yes, I also wonder if I am just a little scared and he is a little nervous and that is what is making things weird. As far as the attraction goes, I'm not sure. When I first met him, I wasn't attracted to him at all, I never gave it a second thought (He works at the school I work at sometimes) Then the more I saw him around and chatted with him, the more I liked him until I realized one day I had a huge crush on him. Every day when I went to work, I'd check to see if his truck was parked outside (he works at a bunch of local schools) and if it wasn't, I'd feel SO disappointed and if it WAS, I would get all excited and giddy about possibly running into him. I can't say I felt physically attracted to him, not in the way that I am usually attracted to guys. (The wrong ones, I should add!) But I must have been attracted to him in general because I was just all giddy and weird about it, lol.

I don't know what changed. I guess it just isn't clicking. I don't know. Like I said, I wonder if I am scared, I don't think I am. I have had relationships with people and am able to maintain a healthy balance of me/us. I just don't know. I wish I did. I hate to think it is just because of his age, and I don't think it is. I think it's a couple of things combined. But I feel badly about that because *I* was the one that initiated the whole thing! Leaving the rose and all. sigh.

Thanks again for responding everyone. I guess I will just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

Oh, I wanted to respond to something someone said. It was something like sure I like to be alone and on my own, but don't I want someone in my life in *some* capacity? Something like that. Well, I dated this guy once whose dad was dating this woman down the street. He would spend the night at her house, then stay home the next night, she'd spend the night the next night, then stay home the next night, etc. I was talking to my boyfriend about it one day and asked him how long they had been dating. He says "7 years". !!! So I said, "Well, why don't they just move in together? They only live 3 houses away from each other " And he said basically that they didn't want to. They each had their own house, and they spent the night together often, but stayed home often as well, neither of them had the desire to remarry, so that is what they did. As far as I know, they are still at it. lol. Maybe that's what *I* should do. lol. Or buy a duplex and we each get half. :)

Well anyway, thanks again all.

~ Kiya

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: kiya3s
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 1:17am

LOL! My mom has said she would love to stay married and live in a separate house from my step-dad. They could have each other but their own space.

I have grown to love having my own space. I think giving that up (if that opportunity presents itself) will be hard. What I envision is that if I do remarry, our home has plenty of space that we can spend time apart if we want to. I picture a couple of spare rooms, say a spare bedroom and a room in a finished basement - one for me and one for him that would be our own separate space.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: kiya3s
Wed, 03-02-2005 - 11:36am

Kiya:

I want to welcome you to the board and apologize for responding so late to your post. I'm pretty much a regular on this board, except lately, I've been too busy at work to check in every day. I wanted to add my two cents because your original post sounded a lot like me.

First, about being independent and being scared to be in a relationship, like everyone else said, that is very normal. I've been alone with my twins for over 7 years now. And I too have had a lot of bad relationships. I'm in a good relationship now. He's everything I want and more. We see each other every other weekend when my kids are with their dad, and I am totally happy with that. I'm not ready for him to be with me all the time. I like my space. And I too sometimes think I'm a little nuts because he really is a wonderful guy, it's just that I am also scared. I sometimes think I've been alone too long to want to be married again. So, for right now, I'm just taking things slow so we both have our time and space and we don't get overwhelmed, and it's working out well for both of us.

As for this older man that you have dated, I agree with West that it's a little early to throw in the towel. Go out with him a few more times, and if you are still uncomfortable or there is no spark, than call it quits. I think you both are just nervous and scared. Give yourselves the benefit of the doubt. Back when Mark first asked me out, it was a couple weeks before we actually got together. In that time, I wanted to cancel the date about 100 times. It was actually my sister that talked me into going. Now, I'm glad I did.

I also agree with the statement that people come into our lives for a reason. The best advice I can give you is what I have received here on the board. Take things slow and don't get nuts about dating this guy. Just go with the flow and see what happens. You obviously had some attraction to him if you got him a rose for Valentine's Day. Just don't let your fear ruin things for you or sabotage something that could be good (West -- I'm stealing your advice here). That seems to be working well for me right now. The guy I'm dating dated me for 6 months, then went back to his old girlfriend, and six months later called me out of the blue wanting to get back together. When I decided to give me a second chance, I told myself that I refuse to get nuts about this, and whatever happens, happens. I'm enjoying the ride, and even if it ends in a train wreck, the ride was worth it.

As for dating an older man, I always liked older men. I dated someone 13 years older than me, and yes, that did bother me at first. But the more we went out, it didn't bother me so much. He didn't act or look his age. When it comes to age, I think what's important is how does it effect the two of you: do you have things in common, same interests, is making conversation easy. You would know if it the age gap was too much, it would be really awkward for you. It didn't work out with him because he was looking for for a friends with benefits type of thing, and I wasn't, but I don't think that had anything to do with his age.

Good luck to you and keep us posted. I hope I helped in sharing my life experiences.

Donna

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