Aging, Age Differences, Bio clocks ,etc.

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Registered: 11-03-2003
Aging, Age Differences, Bio clocks ,etc.
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Mon, 08-06-2007 - 12:48pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 1:17pm

Wow, can't say that I've thought that far ahead....

But I do know that I'm attracted to younger men ... these days. For me, I thinks it's because I don't want a person controlling me. I'm not looking for that "daddy" figure anymore and I get excited when I'm with new, young blood.... with someone who doesn't try to tell me all the answers... with someone who is fascinated with my confidence and independence.

I'm not ONLY dating younger men, though... I date all ages, younger and older.... I just find the younger ones MORE attractive. ;-)

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 1:24pm

Well, I think you hit the nail on the head, about why I am VERY skeptical about dating older men. JS is 47; I am 35. The age difference has been a turn off for a long time for EXACTLY those reasons that you described.

However, I have come to the conclusion THAT HYPOTHETICAL EXAMPLE: If JS dies earlier then I do, I still have my life to do the things I love. I have seen my Aunt and other family members go nuts! Can you believe I saw TWO late 70's; early 80 year old women boogie boarding this weekend?

They asked me to teach them! I spent an hour in the water teaching these old women to boogie board. They had a BLAST!

I figure: IF my Husband dies, I will have a rocking retirement fund AND I will eat cake with my girlie friends and then go boogie boarding!

My SO could get hit by a car tomorrow and end in a wheelchair. I guess no one knows, BUT that is the whole POINT about: For the good and the bad, richer and poorer, sickness and health......

It is the VOW we take, if that is what we want. I know I do, so if I ever do go down that raod for me; It'll be worth it to me.

Avatar for mom2maggie
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Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 1:43pm
I'm nearly 33 and my SO just turned 47. I've thought about our age difference quite a bit and have decided that if we ever do talk about getting married, I won't be saying "I do" unless I can imagine myself feeding, bathing and cleaning up after him, etc. for years without building up resentment.
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Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 2:02pm

I know where this one came from- lol ;-)

But like I said before... age as a number is not a big deal to me, but more the PERSON because I have seen people in their 70's who were active and young at heart, enjoying life. And I have seen people in their 50's and they were already in a nursing home, doing nothing but eating and sleeping. It's all a number, really.

That said... I am 42 and Hiker is 51 (turning 52 next month). He is anything but OLD to me!! He is active and healthy and I can see us both living a long time. I have longevity genes on one side of my family, and not-so-long genes on the other. So there's no telling whether I will make it to 70 or 90... because Mom's side seems to get to their 70's or less. Dad's side... well, many of them have lived past their mid-90's. You just never know. But like Soonee mentioned- all you can do is consider the potentials and probabilities. But you can't let THOSE control things either- because there just isn't any guarantees for anything.

I can see myself being Hiker's caretaker if it were to come to that. I've tried to imagine that, and I can literally see myself doing that for him. Because I just love him in that way. It's not about US so much as that I just simply love him for who HE IS, apart from who WE are. I would want to be a friend of his no matter what, and be there for him. But again- he is so healthy, I might even decline in my health long before he does- because I do have colon cancer in my family genetics, and he doesn't.

As much as we love to travel and go places, I can also see ourselves settling down and staying at home, too. It's weird that I can picture that, even though I just can't see us getting married right now. I see it as a scene in the far future, when the kids are grown.

I don't know if he's even thought about any of this. I think he's probably more like a regular guy and hasn't even thought that far ahead. ;-) But if he was to ever wonder... I think I could do a good job taking care of him as a nurse and as someone who has dealt with caring for a dying parent... I know I could do it again. As hard as it is, I still wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I was honored to have been able to be there for him last year when he had his knee surgery, and to do things for him as he recovered post-op. Maybe that was the nurse in me, too- I know that. But I do enjoy doing things for him and wouldn't push away the opportunity.

I have dated men younger but I just have a hard time meshing with younger men. I like staying healthy and looking young, but I do have my "old soul" stuff that I enjoy- and the younger men just don't get it. Maybe I meet the wrong men when I meet younger ones- but they all seem like such 'man cubs' to me- and needs so much training and maturing... and I'm just too old to be that patient. LOL! I want a man who is already a MAN and knows how to handle life. And let the remaining wild oats be sowed by ME like a couple of teens! lol

I know that if I were to answer this question just 6 yrs ago... I probably would've answered differently. I've grown ALOT since being divorced and since meeting Hiker, and since all the stuff with Mom has happened. I wouldn't WANT to go back to dating a man who loves to go bar-hopping and acted that way. Even though I was very much that way myself- when I was younger.

Again- as with any other specifics of finding a partner... it's just a matter of finding someone who shares your views on the topic.

~shrimpy, feeling like it's all just rambling

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 2:27pm

I've always thought the same way! I won't ever say "I do" again either- unless I've seriously thought whether I could still be with him if he ended up in a wheelchair. Or develops a debilitating disease that required lots of medical attention or frequent doctors' visits.

I guess with all the stuff I've watched my parents do through the last several years... that would be what I want. Dad drove Mom to all her appointments, week after week, month after month, year after year. He did what he could for her even though the overall big picture of it- was out of his hands. He was there for her until her last days. He just couldn't bear to be with her during those last minutes though, and I was honored to have been able to be there for her then, so she wasn't alone.

So anyway, I watched the strength of their partnership, and I know I won't marry again until I feel confident that the man I was marrying felt that way about me, the way Dad was there for Mom. And I wouldn't marry him if I couldn't imagine myself doing the same for him, should the roles be reversed.

All the more reason to find a man who was STABLE, RESPONSIBLE & RELIABLE, not just hot, cute, or funny.

One thing I have to say about your comment though- that it is also VERY normal to be the primary caretaker of a loved one- and still find yourself developing some feelings of resentment. My Dad had some of that, even though he couldn't imagine being anywhere else, or having anyone else take care of Mom other than himself... he did go through some guilt about wanting it to end. He hated seeing her in such a poor health state. Maybe 'resentment' isn't the right term for it. But just that being primary means giving up ALOT and some resentment or negative feelings are quite normal. It's just how you DEAL with those feelings that make the difference.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 2:37pm

Interesting thread. There are no guarantees in life. Of that you are certainly correct. The younger isn't necessarily the healthier in a relationship not guaranteed that they will be the primary care taker. You could get cancer at 45 and your 60 year old spouse may be caring for you (if you are lucky to have someone love you and willing to do that for you). I don't want that job to ever fall upon my children. I want them to be young and enjoy their lives.

Anyhow those are interesting observations and your best options are good planning, both financially and physically. Be sure you have plenty of savings. I hope to be able to move to a retirement community. There is a lot that is offered there and I will have someone there if I really need them. Many have nursing facilities and such that you can move towards as you age but not really like a nursing home. If I take care of myself physically, I have a better chance of staying healthy longer and not needing a caretaker.

I do not really want to be with someone much younger than me. I want someone close to may age, although I don't rule out older. I think that the closer you are in age the more commonalities there are, your life and experiences are more similar. After all don't most of us have friends close to our age. Who whats a girlfriend 15 years younger. They may be fine for the occasional get together but for a real friendship they need to be close to your age. I think the same is true of a mate. Physical appearances aside (after all I'm not a perfect raging beauty) I want someone with shared interests and goals that will love me and I will love back. Give and take. I don't want to spend my retirement years alone and if I love them, I will want to care for them and they will do the same for me.

Priscilla

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Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 2:47pm

I have to say I totally agree with this statement:

"All the more reason to find a man who was STABLE,
RESPONSIBLE & RELIABLE, not just hot, cute, or funny."

although I like the funny, looks are way at the bottom of my list. Very well said!!!!

Priscilla

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Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 3:29pm

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Registered: 11-03-2003
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 3:42pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 4:00pm

Interesting tangent I just had here...

I've thought about whether I'd be willing to take care of Hiker should he be debilitated sometime in the future- and my answer would be a sure "yes". But if it were the other way around? I wonder. Would I feel okay with him having to sacrifice to take care of ME? Would I feel so okay with that scenario?

I guess if we were in that situation, and he was willing to do it, I wouldn't have much choice, would I?

But that said... I can get an understanding on just why my Mom would push Dad away so much in her final months. She didn't want to make him keep taking care of her, knowing how much work it had become. She kept telling him "you've done enough already" and started refusing his care. Not that it made any sense because he HAD to keep taking care of her and couldn't just STOP or give up- but I can see what she meant by that. She was trying not to burden him. Even though taking care of her wasn't a burden to him, although he knew of the sacrifices he had to make in doing so.

If I were the one to end up in a wheelchair one day, would I be okay with allowing Hiker to be 'saddled' with me? Tough decision to make. Although when you're the one needing the care... it's not really your decision to make anymore anyway. Then it has to be the other person's choice to be there or not. Scary thought, huh??

Another reason to never settle for someone who doesn't truly understand the word Commitment and live by it. I definitely couldn't trust someone who would run off at the first sign of a rough road ahead.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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