Agree to Disagree

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Agree to Disagree
15
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 3:57pm
A little over a month ago, I started dating an older man that I have posted about. I had some doubts in the beginning, but I decided it give it another shot. Things have been going well. We get along and we enjoy each other's company. I wanted to go slowly, and we have. My family knows about him; his family knows about me; but my kids do not know I am dating him. He calls me when they are asleep and we go out when they are with their dad. I guess I'm just trying to protect them from getting attached to someone if things don't work out between us. When he was last at my house, he noticed that I have some buckling on my ceiling in the addition that was added onto my kitchen. He's a carpenter, and he offered to take a look at it at a later time. My house needs a lot of work. Paul told me he did not want to work on my house because he did not want to date his boss, and I understand and respect his decision. But he felt the roof was a serious matter and with the winter coming, it could collapse, so he offered to take a look at it. He came over on Saturday when my kids were with me. So, he ended up meeting my kids, although my twins have no idea we are dating. They just think he's someone who came to fix my roof. My kids are friendly and nosey, so they ended up interacting with Paul quite a bit, plus Paul was initiating most of the conversation and getting them going. I could tell Paul is good with kids because he fed off of them and had them laughing and riled up. I talked to Paul the next day, and he said my kids were great, but he was surprised that they were so friendly around someone they just met. They are friendly to everyone, thats' just how they are. I sensed he was nervous about something, so I asked him if meeting my kids scared him. He said it did a little because he's been married 3 times, has a son of his own and raised two sets of step-children. He said it was very familiar territory for him, which was good and bad.

Here's what I'm confused about. We talked about this at length, and he told me not to analyze things too much, but it's still on my mind. He's 53; I'm 39. He said he wasn't sure whether he was looking to get married and raise another family again. Marriage? Who's thinking about marriage? Not me -- not now anyway, I hardly know him. I told him honestly, from day one that I didn't know what I want. I do know that I want to take things slowly and not get all nuts about things right now. I think the kids spooked him because he liked them and he didn't expect it and he doesn't want to get attached so early, so he said the next thing that came to his mind. I assured him that I wasn't husband shopping or daddy shopping. Sure, if the right person comes along, and we were both madly in love with each other and we can't live without each other, then I would CONSIDER getting married again. I've been alone for 7 years. I'm stubborn, hot-headed, and very independent. I joke with my friends that I don't know if anybody could put up with me. I was in an abusive relationship before, and because of that, I am very cautious with my heart. I won't give it away so freely anymore. I do like Paul and I want to get to know him better. When I date someone, I don't think of every person as a potential husband. I think he felt kind of dumb about what he said, because he later said that he wanted to go slow, have fun, and not analyze so much. I can't help it. It's my nature to analyze. I just couldn't figure out why he said that and it bugs me.

I talked to my counselor about this last night and we have differing opinions. Paul's not sure what he wants, and I'm not sure what I want, so why can't we just date and have fun and not get all nuts about tomorrow. If after a while things don't work out, we can go our separate ways. That's what happened with the last guy I dated. We had a blast. My kids never met him, so they weren't harmed in any way. Things weren't going the way I had hoped, and I ended it. Sure, breaking up isn't easy -- it never is. I did miss him in the beginning, but I don't consider it a waste of time because I really did have a lot of fun with him. But am I supposed to assume that every relationship is not going to last and stop it before it starts? I just don't agree with that. Neither of us is sure what we want; we've expressed this up front and we want to go slow. My counselor thinks that if he "might" not want to get married again and I "might" want to get married, that we should part now before we get into a real relationship, get attached and get hurt when it ends. Again, I disagree. I think it's way too early to talk marriage. I might date him for a few months and decide that he's not my type or something like that. That happens all the time. The way my counselor is thinking is way too much strain on my brain right now. I want to have fun and not have to think too much or analyze every word or every thing that is said. If I do that, I won't be having any fun. What do you guys think? BTW, my kids are at their dad's this weekend, and Paul is coming over for dinner. This is the first time in about 3 years that I have had someone over for dinner, and I feel like a little kid. I love to cook for company, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'd like to enjoy the moment and not get bogged down with a bunch of nonsense.

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 6:28pm

Donna, I think that's great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 6:32pm

I was so fascinated and captivated by him. And I don't mean physically or sexually, I mean his character and integrity and values were apparent to me immediately and I wanted to know more, more, more. TT and I challenge each others' thoughts and opinions constantly - in the best way - I feel like we are constantly sharpening each other and making one another better people.


Min, that is exactly the way it was for Chris and me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 8:05pm

I still have concerns with his age and three past marriages. And also since this is so fast after your last break up and you don't know what you want.

But what Maggie says is true. She always has a special touch with her words.

I think you should be cautious - his kindness with the house, your kids warming up to him and his honest conversation yesterday and integrity sound good. But you are not to the bottom of the pile yet so to speak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 4:11pm

West:

Thanks also to you (no slight intended). You have always been very kind and encouraging and I wish I did live by you because I love pumpkin pie! You have helped me, a great deal. I know this is not a perfect situation, but I know where all the flags are, and I am keeping my eyes wide open. He's not much of a drinker, so that's a definite plus. I think this is a case of not knowing each other well enough yet to cast a final vote. All I can say is that I'm finatical about putting my kids first. Not only does he understand that, he said he wouldn't want it to be any other way. In fact, when we talked for 2 1/2 hours, he said that he thinks it would be a good idea for us to wait a while before we do anything as a group because he wouldn't want them to get hurt if things didn't work out between us. So far, he has been very unselfish; he goes by my schedule with no complaints. I haven't heard, "Oh, can't you just get a sitter". We get together when I don't have the kids, and he is fine with that, which is something new for me. I have never met anyone so respectful of my boundaries before. He said he will never tell me what to do (big concern of mine) and he will only give advice if and when I ask for it. I hate someone trying to run my show (that's the stubborn Irish Scorpio coming out). After being with a few players, I look for honesty, and I think we have been honest with each other.

As for my last relationship, I know it has only been a few months. Mark was a nice guy, and it's too bad things didn't work out. But I also think that now that I can stand back and look objectively at things, I don't think we could have made it for a long haul. He was too into himself; which was always there but I kind of brushed off. I think I made it look better on paper than it really was. But, on the other hand, I have no regrets about our time together. I had an absolute blast with him; more fun than I had with anyone since my exh. And after being with "freak" man as my son called him, I needed fun. I didn't like the way it ended, because I think Mark could have been more of a man and admitted that he "just wasn't that into me" and end it that way. Instead, he avoided me, I got cancelled dates and excuses, and I had to be the one to end it. That's kind of snakey in my opinion. I'm just glad I trusted my gut and eventually saw the light. But I have to admit, that it was this board that helped me through it. I had a suspicion that I wasn't sure about, and just about everyone confirmed what I was thinking in the back of my mind. I said after it ended that I missed him, but I think it was more the fun that I missed instead of him as a person. I realized Saturday that I was over him when I saw his number on my caller ID and my response was "what did he want" and I had no desire to call him back. I know I can move on now and not have lingering thoughts about "what if" or what could have been. It just wasn't meant to be.

Me not knowing what I want is just a trust issue. I let "freak" man into my house, I trusted him, and look what happened. I just need time to trust someone again. Trust is something that has to be earned, especially after all the hard knocks I took. Hopefully, I can find the right person and then I won't have to wonder what I want. I'll already know.

Thanks again for everyone's advice, love and support. Hugs.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 4:47pm

Thanks for your nice note. I enjoyed reading it.

You do sound like you are over Mark and that you can see the purpose of what was and accept the ending - that is great and a huge step. Most men never have the courage to break up so they behave badly and have the woman do the dirty work. That is common.

All I can say now is good luck and keep us posted. I think time tells us many things. I just want to make sure you are getting the best you can get for you. I think you should try to keep it slow and keep your eyes open.

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