Is This All That It Is?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 12-31-2007 - 8:26am |
I am a single 44 year old woman with 3 kids, 13, 10 and 9, divorced for 4 years. After a very unhappy marriage of 10 years I finally got brave and kicked the bum out and have grown strong and independent. My kids are all great, good grades in school, very respectable to others and generally happy people.
Las year I started seeing this man. We worked together for a while, that's how we met. I called him to see if he would like to get together. At this time I liked him but was determined not to love him. We had a great connection and the physical attraction is very strong. So, I thought this is a great way to undo stress, have fun and keep smiling. But I started falling in love. It happened after about 2 months into this affair. Then one night he started telling me he love this about me and he loved that about me and that he loved me! Well, I knew I loved him at this point but was scared to say. But soon our relationship grew into something I wanted more of.
He is 58 years old. A very young 58, I might add. He is great looking, great shape and the 14 year difference is nonexistent between us. I have wondered where he has been my whole life. He was married for 28 years, divorced for 5 has 2 kids, 30 and 28. My problem is that after a year of seeing with me he has not even mentioned me to his kids. This subject has been brought up many times, I don't see what the big deal is. I have asked if it is our age difference or the fact I have small children. He says no. He sees his kids almost weekly, a lot through the holidays but never mentions me to them.
Another thing is his ex wife lives very close to me. This stops him from coming over because she might see and say things to their kids. Anytime we talk about this he shuts down and we get nowhere. I can't seem to get an answer out of him and have wondered about this for months.
We are together often, he calls pretty much daily when we can't see each other. I believe he loves me, I also believe there is nothing between him and his ex. He knows I want more than a casual relationship, has told me the same. Problem is, that is where we stand, not moving forward. Last week I asked what he was doing for new years eve. His answer was "I don't know" Teasingly, I said "the correct answer is being with you bring in the new year" No commitment, and I left feeling upset. Friday night when I went to see him we had a great time but I had a not for him in my purse. Anytime I have tried to talk to him about this stuff, he shuts down and I don't get to tell him how I really feel. So I put it in a note.
I wrote how I feel like I can only plan on a Friday night with him. In the past I have asked him if

Oh sweetie - glad you found us. In my eyes, you have done everything right. I don't see anything that YOU can do to change things other than what you have already done. The note was a great idea. Seeing that he does not integrate you into his family life is very smart and you were wise to bring it up - all good stuff on your end.
Now that you have told him how you feel in the note, you have to wait on him to decide what HE wants to do and for him to respond. I have a feeling that he needs time without you to reflect on what you mean to him and to miss you.
Just try to get out of the house and stay busy. Let him make the next move.
Wow, don't really have any words for this one.
He's 58, married for 28 with 2 grown kids been divorced for 5. He doesn't come to your house because his ex wife might see and tell the kids? But yet proclaims a love for you.
My first thought was he was married for 30 years of his life and 5 years being divorced is not really that long. Maybe he doesn't want to be tied down but at 58 most men start thinking...I don't have a lot of time left, KWIM. But then when I read the thing about the ex telling on him to their kids? That's perplexing because they are 28 and 30.
After a year of this, I think you've done the right thing stepping back. Maybe give him some time to think. Could be an unresolved issue with the ex wife. Sounds like she's holding something over his head which is a little creepy.
I would certainly think something was fishy, too!
Just a thought...