Allow me to introduce myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Allow me to introduce myself
14
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 7:04pm

Hi everyone,

I have been lurking for the last few days. I too am a single mom technially at least. I have been in a dysfunctional relationship with my ex since the day I told him I was pregnant. Technically we broke up then but the funny thing is we never really broke ties. We now have a 21 month old adorable son and are committed parents. We are no longer a couple though he still has a key to my place and spends a lot of time here.(hey I mentioned it was dsyfunctional)

So I tried to get back out in the dating world about a year ago but realized it was too soon. (it was more out of pressure from my friends) Lately, I have been missing that intimacy and connection with another person. Even though my ex and I are dear friends,I miss the intimacy we use to have. I want to set some boundaries but with his career (he is a pilot) I find I am the one who has to be flexible for our son. Our son loves his Daddy and his Daddy really does spend every free moment here with him (really with us since he and I tend to make it family activities)

I recently signed up on Match and have been recieving some intriguing responses. Here is my delima. Who wants to get involved with someone so close to her ex? Why do I feel like I am cheating when my ex clearly can't commit to me? Is it wierd that we are going on a vacation together with his parents next month? My friends are confused; I am confused and he is confused. I really think in some way I need to get one under my belt so to speak (I mean dating not sex so get your mind out of the gutter :) ) to really get some perspective but it can be scary to take it to the next step and actually meet. Yikes!!

So that is my sordid little tale. Hopefully you all can be a friend, a shoulder, and a guide as I move into this chapter of my life.

Savannah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 9:09pm

Hi Savannah,

Welcome to our board. Glad to have you here - hope you stick around and participate in our threads.

Sorry you have had such confusion. Don't men and confusion seem to go hand in hand sometimes? ;-)

Anyway, I think what I would do if I was you is to cut the cord with your ex. You will have to determine what is absolutely necessary for him to be the father of your child and do no more. I would not allow sleepovers or have family vacations. It might seem hard at first, but the only way you are going to move on and attract the right person is to become truly single.

When he visits your son, that is fine, but you don't need to be there. It is one small step but I think with each step you make you will get stronger and be more sure of the next steps you need to take.

It is not fair that you are not able to move on in your life - and you are the one who has to look out for yourself. Because no one else will do that for you.

Good luck - hope this helps - keep us posted of your progress!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 9:40am

Thank you. I know we need to cut some ties but that is where the difficulty seems to play. Maybe it is convienence or comfort but it is difficult to do when it works so well. I guess that is why I am hoping a date might give me that little push.

I do want to clarify that there is no hanky-panky going on and he does not stay over night. It is completely platonic. He lives 6 hours away and does not have a consistent schedule (pretty much on call except a handful of days a month) so he comes down here on his guarenteed days off. He will typically stay with friends but during the day he is at my house to spend time with Brendan. He has a key so he can pick up Brendan and let himself in while I am at work. He is also my mr.fix it around the house (his choice) He has taken on a lot of remodeling projects.

I could see that this could very well be a potential problem for future dates, however. At some point I know we both need to move on and let go and I find myself starting to want to.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 10:04am

Welcome Savannah!! ( I JUST LOVE THAT NAME!!)
I am sorry you are having to go through all of this confusion. I think you are still holding on to many feelings for your ex and that you are having difficulties with those feelings to move on and start your own life. HOWEVER, you are well on your way, when you start even thinking and contemplating a new life, new dates, etc.

Unfortunately, I would RUN not walk away from you, if I knew the connection you still had to your ex was that intense; you cannot expect anyone to go through that. They would think you are having your cake and eating it too and the women on this board always advise us of dating men like this. Goes vice versa. That would make no one feel comfortable. Having said that I recommend a few things. Have you thought about seeing a counselor? Then of course, ensure that you spend less and less time away from him. It doesn't have to be cold turkey, but you might have to wean yourself from him until you and him adjust. As Judy said, NO VACATIONS, no Holidays together. Your son is young enough to not understand what is going on now. He isn't going to miss it if you both aren't around, but he will HAVE to learn to grow and adjust to it if you start changing the routine later. So don't make it harder for everyone.
As for dating, I would hold off. Go out first and learn to be on your own with your friends. Enjoy your free time and adjusting to the new life. THEN, once a few months have passed and you have adjusted to not living this dysfunctional relationship anymore, you can look into a more healthy and balanced one. But right now, you are still holding on WAY to tight to your past. You need to start letting go and thinking about a happier you.

Big hugs and can't wait to hear the updates!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 11:34am

Hi Savannah and welcome to our board!

I would have to say that I agree with what Judy and Catherine have said. The only other question I have is....does your ex date anyone? Has he ever dated?

I think that on the days he knows he has off, he spend those days with your son by himself without you. You go and do something for yourself. JMO though. :) You need some time by yourself or with friends. I agree that I would not go on vacations with your ex and his family. That makes things too weird. And I agree with Cat that if you started doing all of this now, it would make it easier on your son to adjust than to wait until later.

Good luck and keep us posted!

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 1:52pm

Uggghhh...you are all right. I need to take care of business first. I'm just starting to realize what I am missing out on because of this situation.

Is he dating? Not anyone that I am aware of. I can't say 100% he hasn't been on any dates but I am also not so naive to think he hasn't at least flirted and possibly hung out with a girl(s). (hey I've done the same while out with friends)But regardless if he is dating anyone else or not we are not a couple in the romantic sense.

I think we put so much effort into making sure we didn't go the ugly route that we have found ourselves in this situation. We are really good friends and definately respect each other but I know he is not ready to settle down and I am. (I really knew this while we were dating but I chose to ignore my gut instinct)

I have a few matches on match.com to let down gently but you are right it is for the best. (I haven't actually met any of them so it shouldn't be too hard) At least it is good to know there is potential out there when I am ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 8:37pm

Welcome to the board! This is an awesome place to come for advice, support, simply to vent, or to share your thoughts.

My best friend was divorced and has since remarried, and has a VERY close relationship with her ex husband, with whom she shares a child.

They fully believe in co-parenting, and split their time with their son. They also work together, and last summer her current husband and her ex husband took a vacation together- without her.

This type of blended family will certainly not work for everyone, and even I have a hard time grasping just how close and friendly everyone is. Naturally, her husband had to have an adjustment time to get used to her close relationship with her ex, but I think the point I'm getting at is that some things simply work for some people.

We don't all have to understand or approve, or even "get it", but luckily, it takes all kinds.

You aren't the only one with a unique relationship with your ex, and I feel it's far better for all involved to be super close and on amiable terms than to hate each other's guts. Not to mention how much better it is for your child.

I think if you're comfortable with the way things are, any potential dates will get that there's nothing funny going on and will come to appreciate how much less stress you have in your life because you don't have any "ex drama" going on. The right guy for you will take the life you have and enhance it, not feel the need to change it.

Just my opinion, and please stick around!

Moody, who hasn't seen her ex in over 6 years


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 9:26pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 10:14pm

Thank you! It is nice to hear that someone gets it, but I realize that most people don't. That is what I fear. Mark knows that when he is in town that is my opportunity to get out and I do to some degree. I just don't enjoy the same lifestyle that my single childless friends enjoy anymore. I am looking for a mature companionship with someone who I can connect with and feel that intimate bond. Can I do this and maintain close ties with my ex? Are my ex and I too close? I don't know and that is my struggle.

I grew up without a mother and dealt with the cruel accusations from my paternal grandparents about my Mom. This really stung as I am part my Mom. I am determined that my son will have a relationship with both parents and there will be no disparaging comments.

We did not get here overnight. We had to work at it and put aside or work through any ego or personal grievences. I just worry that this will be difficult for any potential suiters to comprehend. If I put myself in their shoes, I would question it too.

Maybe we don't need to be so involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 1:48am

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Sat, 07-14-2007 - 4:51pm

Mostly it works for us. I think it is just this vacation thing. That might be a bit much. I won't cancel on them because it is last minute and it was planned around my schedule (everyone lives in different states and are coming up for this) I will think twice before accepting such an invitation in the future.

I know my best friend's parents are divorced and her father remarried and they all pretty much grew up hanging out together. They even go on vacations together so it is completely doable. I just think it is a difficult thing to disclose to a potential suitor. Most people would run for the hills; it can be a difficult thing to trust walking into a situation. And that is completely understandable.

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