Always the same thing, to stay or not

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Always the same thing, to stay or not
9
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 12:59pm
I'm still dating a man that I think may be an eternal bachelor. He won't cheat on me. I doubt he'll leave me any time soon, but he keeps me at arm's length. He likes my affection for him, but gives me little in return.

We enjoy each other's company when we see each other. But, we don't see each other often. I wonder if I should enjoy the times for what they are, or if I should get out. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had in many ways, but it feels like something is missing. He was more affectionate at first. I'm starting to think that men pull away when things get good, then they settle into a comfortable rut, and they don't come back to being affectionate again.

I would leave him if I thought there was another relationship out there that would be better for me. But, seriously, I think this is the best I can hope for at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:09pm
why "at this point"? is being single really that bad? maybe you should do what i did - tell him you'd like to take a break". AND TAKE ONE. meaning, no contact - initiated by you or him - for a month. none. and you will figure yourself out. what you REALLY want. you can miss him, fine. but will he miss you? if he doesnt, is that something that you are able to accept? unless you are a glutton for emotional angst, i think that you will find that you are happier and more emotionally balanced with out him. you might discover that you enjoy not having the stress of wondering if he'll call, if he'll come by, etc. God knows i love knowing that i dont have to wonder anymore. he's not coming by and that is just fine with me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:33pm
By 'at this point', I meant at my age and in the area where I live. I live in a dog-eat-dog metropolitan area. To find someone who is willing to date you and not dump for something better, is saying a lot. He knows this about me too. If he was with another woman, she'd be cheating on him for all the times he left her alone.

Did you take a break from a guy and then break it off completely thereafter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:58pm
I will say this: NEVER SETTLE!!!

If you're just with this guy for the sake of being with SOMEONE, then you're not really allowing yourself the opportunity to find the guy who's going to fill in that missing piece.

I'm sure this guy is great and treats you well, but if he's not wanting the same things then you should end it.

Being single will allow you the possiblity to find that person you will be happy with, fully happy with. You want someone who makes you happy, but who is also wanting to accept you and your child as a package, right?

Good luck,

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 2:22pm
We have to have more details - what is his age, his relationship status, his career. How did you meet him? How long have you been going out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 3:21pm
He's 38 yrs old, never been married. He's a consultant. We've been dating for 7 months. We did actually take a 2 week break recently. The break was mutual. Neither one of us felt like breaking up, but we didn't want to see each other either.

We met online. Neither of us is the typical online dater. We met and we were exclusive almost immediately. We figured we would get to know each other without dating other people and that's what we did.

He has included me in his life as much as he can, but he's really independent. I don't view him as 'settling'. I think I'm practical about it. The things he does right are wonderful, but he seems to freak out whenever we get close.

No, I don't need a man to complete me. Proof of that is that I chose not to date for 4 years. Umm, but I do like dating too and I don't want to bounce around from guy to guy. It's almost better staying with him, than striking out and getting screwed over by some other guy.

Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:34am

Oh, you sound just like me... and I'm sure if you dug up a few of my posts from maybe even




http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 6:51am
I think Mandi says it best here.

38 is an okay age - it is not like he is in his 20s and doesn't know what he wants or above 40 and too set in his ways. He either has to poop or get off the pot.

You don't want to make yourself emotionally unavailable if someone else comes along and you cannot use the excuse there might not be someone better - because there always is and you just never know when they will appear.

You deserve what you need emotinoally and this one either has to pony it up or you will say, "next."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 09-22-2004 - 3:18pm
Thanks Mandy. It sounds like you've been there, done that. I agree with you. At some point, I'll say...enough...and move on. I doubt he'll see the break-up coming.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:42pm
I agree with Alison on this one: NEVER SETTLE!!

You will so regret it if you do. Your already having doubts, listen to your instinct and

what it's telling you. I married a man that I was with for 16 yrs. and for 16 yrs. I knew something was missing. We seperated 3 times and I kept coming back, empty promises.

My husband was not a nice person. He passed away in April from a heart condition. I loved him the best way that I knew how and still he kept me at arms length. He never let me or our son in! Never! I was completely lonely. Lived in the same house but have never felt so alone in my whole entire life. My mother gave me some of the worst advice before I married him. We were young and I just wasn't sure of what I was doing. She told me that sometimes it was better to be loved than it was to love. That was a crock, I would never give that kind of advice to anybody. I married him and 1 yr. later I knew I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I don't believe in divorce so I stayed. I am free now and trying to make up for what i lost. I am a terribly strong person, not because I wanted to be but because I had to be. The next guy I marry will be completely and madly in love with me and I him. :-) Don't settle there are lot's of fish in the sea, you just have to swim away from the shore a little.

sc