Alyse is acting out because of Jack HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Alyse is acting out because of Jack HELP
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Sat, 11-13-2004 - 10:53am
I am not sure what to do here. I know that you guys must have experienced this somehow. Alyse hasn't seen Jack since her Birthday Party on September 6th. But over the last month she has been talking about him more and more and acting out by being hyper or changing the subject. Since we are friends - even though I still love him in a deeper way - we do talk. He has asked to speak to her on the phone on several occassions and since she was asking about him I let her. Well now, she wants to see him BAD. that is all she talks about! Now I never expected this from a child just turning 3. NEVER. Last night she just burst into tears and yelled that she wanted him! She draws pictures for him and askc me about him. Ladies I am not sure what to do here. Jack DOES miss her and we aren't sure if he should come over and see her or not but he is willing to - he actually wants to. It is obvious that him leaving completely is causing a LOT of stress for her. I asked her the other night if she was mad at him and she looked at me and said "No, I just love him"

OK this couldn't suck more. I guess the only good thing is he loves her too and would love to see her. Do you think I should or just isolate her from him until she forgets - but I don' t think she ever will. Lately she has also been very into "daddy's" and asking questions and referencing them a lot. She notices that there are couples and asks me where peoples "boy's" are or " where is HIS girl mommy?"

I don't have a clue what to do here ladies. Any suggestions or experience with this would be VERY helpful because I don't want her to feel this way! I just wish things could have worked out. I suppose part of me still wishes they would and who knows. But I want you all to know that right now that is the last thing on my mind and I am not using this as a tactic. I bring this up because I know it can be perceived that way. I just want to make this transition for Alyse. I know that if I decide it Jack can still be a part of our lives. But I also feel that I have to accept friendship forever if I allow him back in. Do you know what I mean?

Anyhow, HELP! TIA

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 12:34pm
I would absolutely NOT let her see him or talk to him unless he makes it very clear that he wants to start back with a romantic relationship with you.

I also don't think that you should let her see you talking to him and talking about him. And I think you should not talk to him and continue a friendship with him unless he is willing to be romantic. You have to bite the bullet.

At her age all you can do is DIVERT. When she brings him up you have to find something fun for her to do and that is that. Pretty soon she will catch the drift and her interest will lessen. Something like, "I know honey, Jack is fun, but he is very busy now. Let's go to the park..."

Do not involve her in this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 1:54pm
*She notices that there are couples and asks me where peoples "boy's" are or " where is HIS girl mommy?"

Little girls model their ideas about men and women on their mom's ideas. She's seen you agonize over this thing with Jack. You still haven't made a clean break and it is affecting her. My girls have seen me date, have crushes, flirt and be ga ga over men, but they have never seen me cry or act like I would die without one. And they've never seen me act like anyone isn't ok alone. Somewhere Alyce has picked up on that as a major fact in life.

*I don't have a clue what to do here ladies. Any suggestions or experience with this would be VERY helpful because I don't want her to feel this way!

The only way to help her know that women aren't "needy" of a male is to model it yourself. Maybe now would be a good time to forget Jack, forget men, and show her how exceptional you are all on your own. If you can't do that, then she won't have the role model she needs. No amount of talking about how women are independent and ok will convince a child if she sees her mom/role model acting out the opposite.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 4:38pm
I may act ga-ga here about my boyfriend but that is because I can. i have never acted that way about Jack and I actually didn't even see him that much and usually we talked or saw each other at night after she went to bed (free minutes you know). I don't talk about men or daddy's or any of that. Personally I think she gets it from daycare and TV - and I am talking Noggin! She has been walking around with a watch on today and a dog leach around her waste saying "See I am the Daddy!" and at one point referenced Little Bear. I have even noticed little excerpts on this station that had to do with mommies and daddies and mommy gets drawn with a big tummy for the baby! Sesame Street even draws attention to these things so I don't think that I have anything to do with that. In fact the opposite because I have told her when she says that, that people don't "have boys" or whatever. That people have friends of all kinds and that no one person is just one person's friend. It doesn't matter when society as a whole shows her otherwise. Also, I think she honestly misses Jack. My friend Mark was over the other night for a bit because he had to drop off work and she was sreaming that she wanted him to go and she wanted Jack! I have not ever done anything like that in front of her. She caught me crying over it one day and I just sad I was sad because I wished I could spend more time with her which was mostly true. So I know that I don't act the way you think and I that haven't portrayed that because even if on occassion I feel that way, I know I don't need any man. Alyse is always my first priority even if I don't like it sometimes. Goodness sake! I hardly go out at all so I can be with her more. So unfortunately, the seeds for her thinking weren't planted at home.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 6:23pm
Maybe if she's getting these ideas from TV then try turning the TV off for a couple weeks. Get some games and arts/crafts and keep busy with those instead. I don't have any experience in this area, but my guess is that he will fade from her memory it will just take some time. As long as she knows you love her and she is safe, she will be okay. I am new here so I don't know the history, is her dad in the picture? (I am assuming Jack is a former boyfriend).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 6:57pm
Yes, we were together abouta year and half. No, she has no father -at least that I want her to know of in any capacity. She is in a home daycare and I know they watch TV there but we don't watch it much here unless I have to work. I work for myself so sometimes that means weekends - like today I have put in 9 hours. And my house is trashed. Oh well, I have to make a living since I get no support. So on a day like today turning the TV off would be absolutely deadly.

Well, thanks for the idea :) We do a lot of stuff together - in fact yesterday I spent the whole day doing those kind of things with her with no TV. But today - different story. And unfortunately she has a memory like a steal trap! We are off to dinner out. My kitchen is also trashed too (did 170 hours in last 2 weeks so we are treating ourselves LOL)

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 7:12pm
If he was around her a lot and for a year and 1/2, then he's been in her life as long as she can remember. And if she has no father in her life, then was he her only male role model? I can see how it would have a big impact on her if he was suddenly not around. I still think it is likely to be okay with time.

I grew up without a father most of my life. He was not home much from ages 2-3, they divorced when I was 3, we moved out of state when I was 5 and then he killed himself when I was 11.

What I have learned as an adult is that even if you didn't have a father, you needed one, and you will have issues from not having one. When I was 17 I thought who needs a dad, if you didn't have one then you just learned to live without one and that meant you didn't need one. But not having one led me to pick a certain type of man in my adult relationships. I am sure it is different for each different person, but my only role model was an in control, successful, hardworking mother. So I grew up to be that. And the only way to be that and be in a relationship was (in my mind, and not conciously) to pick a man who would not try to be in charge (wanted me to be), not too concerned with being successful and a little less hard working. What I ended up with was a lazy, video game playing 34 year old husband who was not responsible for much of anything. I am in no way saying this is your daughter's fate, just sharing what my experience was without having a father in my life and having a very good mother in my life.

What ended up happening was that I got sick and he could not step up to the plate. I discovered that if you are married to a person that is not able to take care of things, and then suddenly you can't take care of things, well you are going to have a problem. It is much easier to care for myself and dd and have a chronic illness, than it is to care for myself, dd and a grown-teenager-type-husband on top of having a chronic illness. I couldn't care for him too, so out the door he went.

I think I've gone off on a tangent now. Hope you have a nice dinner out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 10:19pm
Yes I see that happeneing but she does the overdramatic take-care-off-me act. She does have other male influences in her life though which is good. I have other male friends who do come over and play and help around the house. She calls them uncle whatever - some actually ARE her uncles. So i hope that can curb some of that. Seeing as he wasn't ever a constant presence (saw him once or twice a week usually late and had other friends over too sometimes) I hoped that would make a difference but unfortunately for me the closer he got the more freaked he got and those last 3 months he got really close to her. I thought things were going well but I guess I was wrong. He is going through some personal things now and I know that he never fully committed himself to being a family with us but that makes it even worse because I think that he really tried. But what can you do? I feel like a guy needs to propose on the first date these days.

My Dad although in the picture wasn't - he worked and ate and slept and that is pretty much it and my mother is a take-charge in control woman. I can see some similarities in what you said about yourself in me. It isn't really a bad thing but in light of our man choices I see the problem. Although i am thinking more men are like that than not (lazy and worthless or self centered). A good book for you might be - don't laugh - Getting to "I Do". It talks about whether or not you are a male or femail role in dating and how to assert yourself in the way you want to be seen. It is a tough one to follow if you are a male entity (and you are) trying to be female but I think it would be worth the read for you.

I am sorry about your situation. Alyse has no knowledge of her father and I hope she never does. I think that would be far more damaging than the lack of one.

((((HUG)))

Laura (BTW - Alyse was NUTS at dinner but she fell asleep while I read her a bedtime story so I am sure she was over tired)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 10:48pm
When I was younger it never occured to me to look for certain qualities in a man - responsible, self-supporting, financially aware, etc. After I started working in my career (I'm an accountant) I noticed all the men I worked with had these qualities. I think these men are out there but I did not want to find them, because with them I could not be in control of the relationship. I never even noticed I was in control, but looking back I can see I was. I picked people that needed me and would be dependant on me, that way they wouldn't ever leave me. In the relationships prior to and including my marriage, I was the one to leave (I was 23 when I married).

I really noticed the difference when I started dating my current boyfriend. He has all the qualities I wanted to find in someone. He's an adult and knows it, acts like it, takes his responsibilities seriously, he's his own person and I wouldn't want to change anything about him. But I have a really hard time communicating with him and I realize it's because I can't know how the conversation will go. I am used to knowing how it will end before it started, that is how I always got what I wanted. I orchestrated my past relationship. I had it down to a science with my ex husband.

I read a really good book recently, actually my mom and I both read it and got a lot out of it. It was called "Wounded Woman" and it pretty much describes any woman that had a damaged relationship with her father... whether he was in the picture or not. There are lots of types of women and I could clearly see which one I fit into. That, and going to therapy have helped me a lot this past year.

I had several uncles. Two were bad role models, and one was a great role model and he was around some, but he was never really involved in my life. My boyfriend has only been around my dd a few times and I can see (as I expected would be the case) he engages my daughters attention in a way that her father does not. Children crave that. My ex is addicted to an online video game. I know he plays it when she's there and just lets her fall asleep on the couch watching a movie. If I forget to pack her movies he has to make a trip to come by and pick them up. If he forgets them, I don't worry about it because dd and I do plenty of other stuff together. But he can't function without them. I think as she grows up she will need another male role model, although to be in my life that person has to be the right fit for me. If I never marry again that will be okay, but in any case as dd grows up, I will spend lots of time talking about relationships and how to choose one properly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 9:33am
Sounds like you already know what the problem is then and I'm not sure why you asked us. Turning of the tube sounds like a good solution.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 11:47am
The problem is she misses Jack - I am pretty sure I didn't ask the problem to be identified.

I am sorry if I ticked you off but I would like to point out that being critical (like accusing me of being emotionally out of control in front of my daughter and saying I am ga-ga and focus too much on men - all of which are 100% untrue) doesn't help either. So I am sorry if I didn't take your "advice" kindly. I don't think many people would when you are accusing them of speculated wrong doing - JMO.

L

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