Alyse is acting out because of Jack HELP
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| Sat, 11-13-2004 - 10:53am |
OK this couldn't suck more. I guess the only good thing is he loves her too and would love to see her. Do you think I should or just isolate her from him until she forgets - but I don' t think she ever will. Lately she has also been very into "daddy's" and asking questions and referencing them a lot. She notices that there are couples and asks me where peoples "boy's" are or " where is HIS girl mommy?"
I don't have a clue what to do here ladies. Any suggestions or experience with this would be VERY helpful because I don't want her to feel this way! I just wish things could have worked out. I suppose part of me still wishes they would and who knows. But I want you all to know that right now that is the last thing on my mind and I am not using this as a tactic. I bring this up because I know it can be perceived that way. I just want to make this transition for Alyse. I know that if I decide it Jack can still be a part of our lives. But I also feel that I have to accept friendship forever if I allow him back in. Do you know what I mean?
Anyhow, HELP! TIA
Laura

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I also don't think that you should let her see you talking to him and talking about him. And I think you should not talk to him and continue a friendship with him unless he is willing to be romantic. You have to bite the bullet.
At her age all you can do is DIVERT. When she brings him up you have to find something fun for her to do and that is that. Pretty soon she will catch the drift and her interest will lessen. Something like, "I know honey, Jack is fun, but he is very busy now. Let's go to the park..."
Do not involve her in this.
Little girls model their ideas about men and women on their mom's ideas. She's seen you agonize over this thing with Jack. You still haven't made a clean break and it is affecting her. My girls have seen me date, have crushes, flirt and be ga ga over men, but they have never seen me cry or act like I would die without one. And they've never seen me act like anyone isn't ok alone. Somewhere Alyce has picked up on that as a major fact in life.
*I don't have a clue what to do here ladies. Any suggestions or experience with this would be VERY helpful because I don't want her to feel this way!
The only way to help her know that women aren't "needy" of a male is to model it yourself. Maybe now would be a good time to forget Jack, forget men, and show her how exceptional you are all on your own. If you can't do that, then she won't have the role model she needs. No amount of talking about how women are independent and ok will convince a child if she sees her mom/role model acting out the opposite.
Laura
Well, thanks for the idea :) We do a lot of stuff together - in fact yesterday I spent the whole day doing those kind of things with her with no TV. But today - different story. And unfortunately she has a memory like a steal trap! We are off to dinner out. My kitchen is also trashed too (did 170 hours in last 2 weeks so we are treating ourselves LOL)
Laura
I grew up without a father most of my life. He was not home much from ages 2-3, they divorced when I was 3, we moved out of state when I was 5 and then he killed himself when I was 11.
What I have learned as an adult is that even if you didn't have a father, you needed one, and you will have issues from not having one. When I was 17 I thought who needs a dad, if you didn't have one then you just learned to live without one and that meant you didn't need one. But not having one led me to pick a certain type of man in my adult relationships. I am sure it is different for each different person, but my only role model was an in control, successful, hardworking mother. So I grew up to be that. And the only way to be that and be in a relationship was (in my mind, and not conciously) to pick a man who would not try to be in charge (wanted me to be), not too concerned with being successful and a little less hard working. What I ended up with was a lazy, video game playing 34 year old husband who was not responsible for much of anything. I am in no way saying this is your daughter's fate, just sharing what my experience was without having a father in my life and having a very good mother in my life.
What ended up happening was that I got sick and he could not step up to the plate. I discovered that if you are married to a person that is not able to take care of things, and then suddenly you can't take care of things, well you are going to have a problem. It is much easier to care for myself and dd and have a chronic illness, than it is to care for myself, dd and a grown-teenager-type-husband on top of having a chronic illness. I couldn't care for him too, so out the door he went.
I think I've gone off on a tangent now. Hope you have a nice dinner out.
My Dad although in the picture wasn't - he worked and ate and slept and that is pretty much it and my mother is a take-charge in control woman. I can see some similarities in what you said about yourself in me. It isn't really a bad thing but in light of our man choices I see the problem. Although i am thinking more men are like that than not (lazy and worthless or self centered). A good book for you might be - don't laugh - Getting to "I Do". It talks about whether or not you are a male or femail role in dating and how to assert yourself in the way you want to be seen. It is a tough one to follow if you are a male entity (and you are) trying to be female but I think it would be worth the read for you.
I am sorry about your situation. Alyse has no knowledge of her father and I hope she never does. I think that would be far more damaging than the lack of one.
((((HUG)))
Laura (BTW - Alyse was NUTS at dinner but she fell asleep while I read her a bedtime story so I am sure she was over tired)
I really noticed the difference when I started dating my current boyfriend. He has all the qualities I wanted to find in someone. He's an adult and knows it, acts like it, takes his responsibilities seriously, he's his own person and I wouldn't want to change anything about him. But I have a really hard time communicating with him and I realize it's because I can't know how the conversation will go. I am used to knowing how it will end before it started, that is how I always got what I wanted. I orchestrated my past relationship. I had it down to a science with my ex husband.
I read a really good book recently, actually my mom and I both read it and got a lot out of it. It was called "Wounded Woman" and it pretty much describes any woman that had a damaged relationship with her father... whether he was in the picture or not. There are lots of types of women and I could clearly see which one I fit into. That, and going to therapy have helped me a lot this past year.
I had several uncles. Two were bad role models, and one was a great role model and he was around some, but he was never really involved in my life. My boyfriend has only been around my dd a few times and I can see (as I expected would be the case) he engages my daughters attention in a way that her father does not. Children crave that. My ex is addicted to an online video game. I know he plays it when she's there and just lets her fall asleep on the couch watching a movie. If I forget to pack her movies he has to make a trip to come by and pick them up. If he forgets them, I don't worry about it because dd and I do plenty of other stuff together. But he can't function without them. I think as she grows up she will need another male role model, although to be in my life that person has to be the right fit for me. If I never marry again that will be okay, but in any case as dd grows up, I will spend lots of time talking about relationships and how to choose one properly.
I am sorry if I ticked you off but I would like to point out that being critical (like accusing me of being emotionally out of control in front of my daughter and saying I am ga-ga and focus too much on men - all of which are 100% untrue) doesn't help either. So I am sorry if I didn't take your "advice" kindly. I don't think many people would when you are accusing them of speculated wrong doing - JMO.
L
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