Alyse is acting out because of Jack HELP
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| Sat, 11-13-2004 - 10:53am |
OK this couldn't suck more. I guess the only good thing is he loves her too and would love to see her. Do you think I should or just isolate her from him until she forgets - but I don' t think she ever will. Lately she has also been very into "daddy's" and asking questions and referencing them a lot. She notices that there are couples and asks me where peoples "boy's" are or " where is HIS girl mommy?"
I don't have a clue what to do here ladies. Any suggestions or experience with this would be VERY helpful because I don't want her to feel this way! I just wish things could have worked out. I suppose part of me still wishes they would and who knows. But I want you all to know that right now that is the last thing on my mind and I am not using this as a tactic. I bring this up because I know it can be perceived that way. I just want to make this transition for Alyse. I know that if I decide it Jack can still be a part of our lives. But I also feel that I have to accept friendship forever if I allow him back in. Do you know what I mean?
Anyhow, HELP! TIA
Laura

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You have a better handle on them too - I never get what I want. But that is OK - I have a feeling it is because I am not so extreme to ne side or the other. I want to control yes but also be submissive and it causes conflict.
Anyhow - I have to go but I will try to post more later! Thanks for input!
Laura
My ex could never have done that. I was good in the controlling role - and my ex expected it of me - but it wasn't who I really am and I don't want to be there ever again. Plus, I get enough exercise being controlling at work, I don't need to do it at home too. The most aggravating thing about my ex was he'd expect me to make the decision and then pout if it wasn't what he wanted, or complain later that he didn't really want to go there in the first place. Well for crying out loud, if you have an opinion you have to voice it! If you can believe it, when we were divorcing he actually said that he never really wanted us to buy a house in the first place. HELLO? He agreed to it, we went house hunting together, picked on, bid on it, bought it... and apparently that whole time I was supposed to read his mind that he didn't want to even be buying a house. Ok, off on a rant there.
It's been an adjustment this past year to undo my controllingness and figure out the balance that I want to have in my life, and it's one I'm very glad I'm going through.
I don't think you can have the turmoil you've had in your relationship to Jack and NOT transmit that to Alyse, even if it's not verbal...kids are very perceptive. They know when you're sad and usually they know why. Missing Jack in particular would NOT be due to just television. (Wanting a daddy could be) It would be due to her being so involved with him. Twice a week is quite a lot, especially when you have kept in touch with him on the phone as well. You've said you know she's becoming more aware of your relationships and I think you're right. I don't think it's surprising that she wants permanency. Most little children do.
My kids watched TV and were around other kids, and they didn't have those kinds of issues so that wouldn't be my first explanation. I don't think it was yours either,or you would have just taken care of that problem.
When you ask for opinions, you are going to get them. I know you don't usually like mine. I do think you should have dropped the Jack thing a LONG time ago. He wasn't treating you in a way that made you feel secure or loved, and I'm sure Alyse picked up on that.
Even if I had out and out said something like "you screwed up, Laura", it doesn't mean I'm being critical, just honestly assessing the situation. Do you truly think you have handled the Jack thing perfectly this far? Have you made no mistakes? None of us does ANY of this stuff perfectly. That's why I appreciate hearing ideas that might not have crossed my mind.
I went back and forth as to whether I should respond, because I don't think you will like what I have to say, but this bothered me so I had to get this out. I TOTALLY agree with West and Renovac. You have to end it, at the very least, in her mind. If you want to torture yourself with the hopes that things will work out with you and Jack, that's fine, but keep your dd out of it. Do not torture her along the way. If you insist on talking to him, do it when she is asleep; the same thing for seeing him, even if he is only a friend. Having him come over will only set her up for a disappointment later on. She's only 3. She can't differentiate between a friend and a potential dad, especially if she is fixated on having a dad. I don't advocate sneaking around, but she really has to be kept out of it. I only say that because I can sense that you are not going to make a clean break from Jack, even if you are only friends with him. She is getting mixed signals from you, and it's confusing for her. You need to talk to her and tell her that things didn't work out between you and Jack and that he won't be coming back. You need to end it in HER mind. Yes, it will hurt, but believe me, once she has a sense of closure, and as far as she knows you aren't seeing him or talking to him, she won't act out any more. She will accept that as part of the way things are. Kids are more resilliant than we think. It's ok to miss him, but acting out is her way of saying, "if I throw a tantrum, he will come back". Give Alyse some credit. She will forget. If you isolate the two of them, she will eventually forget about him.
I am speaking from personal experience. I met Rick when my twins were 2. I dated him for 2 years, and I really thought we were going to get married. When they were 4, he left me and ended up marrying my sister. Talk about a horrible situation to have to deal with, and also explain to my kids what happened. I can honestly say that my twins never once said they missed him or acted up in any way. They knew what happened, and they knew this caused mommy to be very sad. I never talked to him after that or had any contact with him. I explained to them what happened. They had a lot of questions, and I answered them honestly. I told them he wasn't coming back. That's it. If anything, they were angry and they hated him for hurting me and they would say mean things about him. I let them express how they felt. Over time, his name was never mentioned again. I never involved them in all the trauma (believe me, there was ALOT of trauma). This was what I called the worst and darkest period of my life, but they will never know that. Just recently, I was asked to be at a party with him and my sister. Again, I sat them down and talked to them about it. I told them that they did not have to talk to them, but they were not allowed to be mean or rude to them. As it turned out, both of my kids said after the party that Aunt Kathy was nice to them. And I believe how they acted was a direct result of how I acted. I can guarantee that if I would have acted like a fool and caused a scene, my twins would have done the same. They saw me interact like nothing ever happened, and they did the same. I do agree with Renovac that kids learn by how we act and react.
I dated Mark for over 6 months. My twins never met him and in the beginning, they didn't even know about him. After about 3 months when I felt it was safe, they knew about him, they talked to him on the phone, and they knew I would be with him when they were at their dad's house. He promised we would all go to the pool or beach this summer. We broke up in August without that ever happening. Just the other day, Katie said to me, mom Mark never took us to the beach. And they have also asked if I still see him when they are at their dad's house. To be honest, they ask more about him then they ever did about Rick, and they never met him. I told them that Mark and I don't see each other any more and the reason he never took them to the beach or pool was because he was really busy. They accepted that, and I have a feeling that will be the closure they need, and they probably won't ask about him again.
The reason I mentioned those two examples are because when the relationships ended, it was over (even though I was going through a lot inside). My kids knew it was over and that they weren't coming back. Then you just go on living life and doing what you have to do, and it will be no big deal. If you prolong it or traumatize it for your children to see, they will do the same thing. No matter what age, kids are smarter than we think. You are all Alyse has ever known, just like me and my kids. You need to talk to her and tell her what's going on. She will understand more than you think. You are her rock and her stability. If she sees you shaken, she will be worried. To this day, my son gets upset when I cry. He wipes my eyes and then says, smile mom. I really think you need to end this in her mind, so she can put it behind her. I'm really opinionated on this subject because, like I said before, I went through some really traumatic stuff, but I believe my kids are not adversely affected today in any way from it because of the way I handled it with them. Our children look to us for everything; we are their world. If we give them simple, straight forward answers to their questions, they will understand.
I wish you the best of luck with this situation. I know it is not easy for you. You love your ds and you don't want to see her in any type of pain. Good luck.
Donna
Hi Laura,
Alyse is right at the age where kids become aware the difference between boys and girls. Alyse is identifying “girls” and “boys” and also identifying that girls and boys make couples like mommies and daddies. This could very well be why she is asking those questions.
As to her relationship with Jack…Jack isn’t her father but Alyse may view him that way. He is all she knows of a father role model in her mind. You have got to let her know that Jack is not part of the family anymore and even though it is sad, that it is NOT her fault and that you love her very much. Unless or until he plans to take on that role and commit to you, I would not feed any more of her feelings by allowing Alyse to speak with him or see him. You will only confuse her.
And I know you don’t want to hear this, nor did you ask for this advice, but if I were you, I would drop the phone calls and friendship with Jack. I don’t think that keeping your relationship with Jack in suspension, in the form of a friendship, is going to get you anywhere healthy, nor is it giving you a chance to recover from your loss. You need that time and space away from him to recover. Perhaps the two of you could be friends at a later time when you’ve had that time between you. But for now, it can only be confusing for all of you, whether you know it or not.
Give your daughter a great big hug! She is the most adorable little girl!
In fact right now they keep coming out of the woodwork and want them all to go right back! ACK.
One thing I can't change is feeling sad about it ending and I am a strong person who doesn't "gush" but I guess you can't protect them from everything. I just feel from what I have seen in her - even before met Jack - is for some reason she NEEDS a dad. I hate that!
Laura
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