Am I being a bitty?
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| Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:56pm |
I'm sorry to keep talking about this but I just need your perspective on how I am trying to reach out to this guy. We just talked about my email that I sent to him and I told him not to call me at work to talk about it because of "ears" in my department. What does he do?...he calls to talk about it. Here is what I wrote so that hopefully one of you ladies can tell me if I'm being a bitty or not:
Okay, I am going to try and explain this as well as I can without giving the wrong impression. :) First of all I want to say that I know how you feel about me and how much you care/love me. I have no doubts there. You are a very caring, thoughtful, and considerate man. I think those things are what I regard the highest of all. I did a lot of thinking last night and this morning. Nothing bad but just some things I have got to say to get off of my chest to let you know how I feel and hope that you respect these things. You know that I am the type of person that likes my space, and I'm not talking for an hour or so, and you also know that on the weeks I have my son, I am all about him and that is where my attention goes. It really bothered me last night that you got upset like you did because I don't like to upset people. However, I am very peculiar about what I talk about in front of Logan and to talk about what we did in front of him did not sit well with me. It took time away from him AND he got to listen to every word. I know you like to spend time with us and I do appreciate everything you do with Logan. I just think that on the weeks I have Logan, I need to spend more time with him by myself. I don't mind if you come over once or twice while he is there or come to his games but that is about all I can handle right now. You would understand better and handle it better about why I wouldn't pay my full attention to you than Logan would understand why I'm not paying attention to him. I don't mean this in a bad way but his feelings are on the top of my list. I know you understand where I'm coming from. I think we are moving way too fast still for me. I know you are probably groaning (lol) after reading that last sentence but it's how I feel. The subjects that we have discussed already (marriage, kids, moving in together, etc.) in less than 2 months time has just come to a boiling point for me and I guess it is making me feel scared/smothered. Like I said before, I know you care very deeply about me, but it's still too early for me to have those feelings myself. I hope you can understand that. I will have to admit that it DOES scare me sometimes at how much you love me and I don't know how to take it. You haven't even let yourself have time to heal from your marriage and that concerns me too. EVERYBODY, regardless of who you are and who left who, needs some time by themselves after they get a divorce. I'm not talking months either. I know you had a month or so to sit by yourself without a mate but I don't think that was enough time. You didn't even give yourself enough time to really look at yourself internally before you were dating again. I think there are some trust issues that you still have from your marriage that needs to be looked at also. I am not a jealous person, I used to be though and realize now how stupid I was being. I am not the type of woman to be "owned" and I don't like possessiveness. I was controlled in my last marriage and that will not happen again. I won't be questioned for everything I do...people I talk to, places I go, things I do. Now, if I'm questioned because that person is CURIOUS about things then that is a different story...not because there is a trust issue. I guess what I'm trying to say Allen is that I need more space. I know you probably don't want to hear that but I need it. I know you like being with me and helping me do things but it can't happen every day. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I don't want to start resenting you because my wishes don't get the respect they need. I do NOT want that to happen. Honestly you are a great man, I just hope that you can understand where I'm coming from and how I feel.
He told me he is upset because I am telling him how he feels now and that he didn't think he was taking up my time with my son. He wanted me to give him an example of taking up time with my son and I told him that the other night when he came over to mow my lawn (he wanted to even though I told him he didn't have to) he stayed until 9 pm. He said he mowed my grass for me so that I would be able to spend more time with my son and THEN he said he wouldn't have stayed late if I hadn't told him to stay for dinner. I told him that dinner didn't last until 9. Ouch I know but I didn't appreciate him bringing it back on me. Not gonna happen. See...he IS nice by mowing my lawn and stuff and that is why I feel bad for telling him this stuff. I DO feel better since I told him but now he is upset because he thinks I want to call it quits. I asked him if he read the WHOLE email. Geez.
Jennifer (who is sorry for all of these posts!)

Don't ever be sorry for too many posts! That is what we are here for. It would be easier for us to read your post if you can make the one long paragraph into shorter ones -that is hard for me to read online.
HOwever, the gist of what you are saying to him is very serious in my opinion. If I was you, I would dump him faster than a bag of rotten eggs. He has more red flags than a communist parade. And as you so aptly put it, he just started dating too soon. Yes he does need time to himself to reflect on what went wrong and what he had to do with that.
Right now it is all about him and that is not what I would want. He has issues that take front and center instead of your relationship. I would not tolerate a man who goes that fast that soon and is so demanding and speaks that way about that stuff in front of my kid.
That is my opinion - you ultimately have to decide what is best for you - only you can do that. I think you do realize these issues as you type them so well- and I bet after a few days of getting to think about it - plus probably his reaction to this - will tell you that!
Keep us posted!
Hey Jen- I guess it would help if I'd read the WHOLE board before responding to you on that earlier post, huh?!
So now I see that you did hear back from him, and that you've had to basically repeat yourself yet again. And I fear that he STILL didn't "hear" what you are saying. I get the sense that he is still only hearing what he is only going to hear... that he is the victim of your unbendable ways. He tries and tries and does everything for you, but you never appreciate it. All he wants to do is love you and be with you. Instead, YOU are breaking up with him!!! Oh, the victim, the poor him, the he-is-never-rsponsible-or-at-fault theme...
The one big thing I hope you get from this whole experience is (and it was the one thing that helped me get past my ex and his controlling ways): You are not the CAUSE of his emotions. So stop being upset that you are upsetting him just because you are stating your needs! You SHOULD state your needs, and he SHOULDN'T be getting upset about hearing them!
Once again, I see my ex in there in your BF. And in you, I see myself. Oh, BTDT!!!!! I'm still standing by my last post to you (in that other thread about when you first talked to him)... get away from him. It's not your problem if he is going to be hurt or not, because I think that no matter WHAT you do, he will play the "I'm hurt" card to guilt you. Just telling him that you wanted some time with your son by yourselves, he is pulling the "I'm hurt" card- because all he wanted to do was spend time with you because he looooves you so muuuch. Meh. He is just not going to see anything wrong with anything he is doing. And how DARE you not appreciate that. ***sigh!!!*** (at him)
~shrimpy
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
I usually just lurk, and pop in from time to time, but the more I read about this guy, the more I say RUN.
hey, don't be sorry for all the posts, that's why we're here. I loved your email to him, by the way. I think it was sincere, not hurtful, and honest. I don't know that I've ever been able to compose one that had all three elements- I'm usually much less concerned about being hurtful than you are!
Honestly, this man is using your niceness against you, though. Everything ends up being turned back to him and his feelings- he's totally disregarding yours. Of course he's nice now, he wants you to feel like you need him, like he's indispensable, and like you'd be lost without him. Then he controls you, since you're just a poor, helpless, defenseless female whose brain is best suited to buying shoes and who couldn't lift anything that weighs more than her cell phone to check in on her way home from work.
I find him whiny, bossy, and annoying, and I don't even know him. I say he's one that should be NEXTed, or at least please think very seriously about how he's manipulating you.
Maybe you should stop contact with him for a couple of days and see how you feel. Do you feel better without the pressure of not hurting his feelings, making him sad, or do you genuinely miss HIM- not the idea of him, but him as a person? Those feelings would probably be a good indicator of what your next steps should be.
Moody, who wants to hand the guy a tissue
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Whoops! Sorry about the lengthy paragraphs. lol I'll remember next time.
Jennifer
Moody, you kill me! lol You want to hand him a tissue... lol He WAS crying last night!
I pretty much feel the same way you all do. I feel like I have to keep telling him the same thing over and over but he doesn't get it. His deep and undying love for me and doing anything in the world for me should be all that I need. Y'all will love this....He told me that when he talked about marriage, kids, moving in together and stuff that he was just playing. (yeah right) I told him no that he was being serious. He told me that if I thought he was being serious when he said things like that then I didn't know him very well. I told him that was something we needed to work on then. :) He walked right into that one!
It is sad too because my ex was controlling and Shrimpy, my ex was JUST LIKE your ex. It was TOO freaky how alike our situations were. It was always my fault and I was the one that needed help not him. He even told me when I left him that I would never find anyone who would treat me as well as he did. lol
I am just so grateful that you all see what I'm seeing in this relationship. I thought I was being cold hearted or mean because this is the first real relationship that I have been in where I have stood up for my feelings. I always tell things like they are but to defend myself is something that I haven't had a lot of practice with and why should I have to defend myself? That's not a relationship.
I am going to give him the rest of this week and next to see how he acts and see if he gets it. Y'all are probably groaning right now lol but I will give him one more chance. It that doesn't work and he still pushes it then I will have to tell him that I can't handle it anymore.
Will let you all know how things go! Thank you again!
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer - I too stand by my first post in your initial thread - run for the hills. He sounds narcissistic - everything has to be about him. My stbx's picture is in the dictionary next to that word. He sounds very controlling and manipulative (especially on that whole marriage and kids things!) and when he told you that you are telling him how he feels - that sealed the deal for me. That is exactly what my STBX used to say to me time and again. I never really understood that statement but then I finally figured it out - whenever I shared or asserted my opinion he took that as I was telling him how he felt. it took forever for me to drill into his head that "no - that is my opinion. I am not saying you feel that way, I am saying that is my opinion of the situation." It drove me crazy ... but it is yet one more sign that he is narcissistic.
Good luck to you Jennifer, I get chills down my spine when I read your notes, it reminds me so much of my marriage - which was an abusive one. Run for the hills ....
Rose