Am I being completely shallow???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Am I being completely shallow???
8
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 9:55pm

....or do I have a valid point? I guess I just need some feedback and you ladies have given me some great advice in the past.
I am a 32 year old sigle mom of a 4 year old and make a good income...not great, but good. I have been dating this wonderful guy for about 4 months now who is 26. I had hangups about the age difference for a lot of reasons. We were friends first and he is very good to me and has changed his lifestyle a lot as far as not going to bars much at all anymore and just really putting me first in his life...however I still have issues wiht him. He lives with roommates still who might as well be frat boys because they act like it and has been on unemployment for 4 months now and for the last 2 months he has been working for a family memeber whose business has yet to take off but when and if it does he should pay him well HOWEVER, he's only making about $400 a month more on top of the unemployment. His unemployment will run out in a month and half. b I hate the fact that he has roommates and we have to be at my place to have any privacy at all and I hate the fact that he just isn't moving forward in his life and that I often have to feel like (and he lets me)I should pay half of the tab when we go out. I don't need a man to take care of me but I like the idea of being with a man who is financially capable of it. I love him and I think of a future with him and would like one but it's very disheartening to realize that even in a year he may not be able to afford to start a future with me. I want another child and I have an age limit in my mind for that and I want to be a stay at home mom for the first few years like I was with my son. That's extremely important to me. He knows this.

Tonight I asked him what he will do once his unemployment has run out and things still have not taken off with this job and his reply was very frustrating. He said he would look for a job to just get by until things did take off. And the dollar amount was bascially exactly what he is getting in umemployment. Told me about jobs he can get that you don't need a degree for BUT he has a freakin' degree! Why settle for something while waiting for things to take off with this other job? Why not go out and go after a job that pays great and if things take off with his cousin's business then he can decide what to do. I don't know what to do. How do you tell someone you're tired of worrying about whether or not they can afford to take you out, splitting the tab and that you are tired of hearing they can't afford anything when they have been perfectly capable of making more money than they are now without sounding like a shallow you know what??? Please feel free to throw me under the bus if I sound like that but I am just losing respect for him. I am used to dating the guy who has a career, his own home and is very ambitious. He claims he is ambitious and wants all of these thing in life but I just don't see it. Even when he wasn't working at all he did a half ass job of looking for work and didn't even get in for an interview. I live in a huge metropolitan area for crying out loud, decent paying jobs (over 25K) are hardly scarce. I'm so annoyed with the situation. I just don't want to waste my time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 11:53pm

You're wasting your time.


The guy is 8 years younger and only now starting to get a taste of adult life- keyword: starting.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:55am

I don't think you are being shallow at all. I think you are being very wise to be realistic about his OUTLOOK on the money/earning situation.

I think the major problem with him is his outlook. He is never going to pull his own weight financially or be at all ambitious about bettering himself.

What you see is what you get - you can't change it - you have to take it or leave it.

If it was me with a good job and child to boot (as I have now) I would leave it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 2:01pm
I agree with the others - you are walking into failure if you stay with this guy. He is in a totally different time of like, emotionally & financially than you are, & than you need.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 2:10pm

I also wanted to ad - one of the things I LOVE about Carlos is that he has money .... its not so much the money I love, but the ability AND the desire, to

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 4:07pm

“I don’t need a man to take care of me but I like the idea of being with a man who is financially capable of it.” I think a lot of us feel this way. Having compatible views about money and work ethic are important for a long term relationship to work. The two of you are very far apart on this issue.

I worry that with my BF our views on money will be the eventual deal breaker and we’re alot closer on these issues than you and your BF. M has a good job, owns his own home plus other real estate investments and lots of guy toys (ie boats), but he has never taken me out to a nice restaurant, just sees it as a waste of money, he would never buy me flowers for the same reason. I’ve paid for more dates with this guy than any other ever. I am a totally spoiled princess (well, actually I earned my lifestyle), I like being pampered, I like nice restaurants, 4 star hotels, flying a real airline (M flies Southwest- ick). If he had any idea how much I spend on clothes he’d freak. We both are aware that my net worth exceeds his and he is struggling with supporting himself and paying alimony and child support. He’s also making an effort to not be a total workaholic as that contributed to his divorce and my X’s total obsession w/ his job contributed to our divorce. So part of his attitude about money is from the pressure of increased expenses and less income. But I have to figure out if I can cope with the intrinsic difference in our attitudes about money. I’m no golddigger, but I don’t want a gigilo either. If we were ever to marry we would have to keep separate finances to avoid fights about what we spend money on.

If you stick with this guy, I think you will find yourself becoming resentful of having to support him financially.You will get tired of his lack of maturity. Only you can decide if the other aspects of your relationship are worth these troubles.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 5:09pm

The ability and desire are the key.

I know that if I was dating someone who was just starting out and didn't have a lot of money I would be totally okay with that if I could see they had goals and the smarts to do better and to want to do better. But I would not be okay with someone who has no drive or ambition or self esteem. Nor someone who believes that a lot of debt is okay.

The thing about being with someone who has less drive and ambition - as was the way of your exh and my exh - is that they resent the drive and ambition that you have instead of appreciating it. They also get a sort of "entitlement" attitude instead of contributing and helping.

When you are dating someone, the beginning is when they put the best foot forward because they want to impress you. I think everyone needs to keep their eyes open and be watching for alarms and surprises - instead of romantically assuming that because you like the same color or have some other life coincidences that you are meant to be. I am not speaking in specifics to anyone here - but to all of us in general because I have watched that mistake being made before.

Carlos is the perfect example for us financially. He has had the drive to make money and to better himself and educate himself. He is kind and generous. AND most importantly, he did acknowledge that you drove there to be with him and that he appreciated your kindness. Good job Carlos!! And good job to you for being able to see this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 5:56pm

Wow.. finances. What a touchy subject when it comes to making or breaking a relationship!!! I know my ex and I fought ALOT over money, and our viewpoints on how to save, spend or splurge were totally different. And I'm not saying I'm right, he's wrong... it's just that our viewpoints about finances were different enough that we just couldn't match up. He's now remarried and they get along FINE when it comes to finances (I assume) because they seem to match. I still think eventually they will find themselves in a ditch because they live too much on credit- but that's their problem, not mine! But they aren't butting heads over finances because they operate the same way. My ex & I operated TOO differently to ever have it work out.

It's not shallow to expect your partner to be "on the same level" when it comes to finances. I think it's only smart to want to have some even ground there- and to understand how BIG the mismatched differences become once you really start blending your lives together (whether it be moving in or getting married).

I hear Rlch on the whole Carlos thing- with the money and paying. I am like that with Hiker. He is able and willing to pay for just about everything (which blows me away, after dating some not-so-financially-able men- but it's NICE!)- but I don't see myself as a golddigger because I expect some level ground. I like being "taken care of" in the way that I can know that we can go out and eat and not have to search the carseats for change first (lol- that's extreme, I know) or to have to pick and choose menu items because he only has $50 for the evening. It's nice to be able to go out and NOT have to worry about the nickels and dimes on a date (I do enough of that on my own when I'm grocery shopping and clothes-shopping!).

I want a partner who understands that savings have to be there. College for the kids, a safety nest egg for emergencies, retirement plans, etc... all that is more important than wanting the latest "toy" or gadget. Responsibilities come before fun. But when you CAN have some fun- then allow yourself to HAVE FUN, too. Not to go cheap-cheap-cheap all the time, but to know that a splurge now and then is okay. On the other hand though- I don't spend just for the sake of spending- and Hiker isn't that way, either. We still like to juggle the best prices with what we want to do- and if it's "too much", then we skip buying the tickets. But not my ex- who wanted to splurge ALL the time, even though the money wasn't there to cover it (living on credit). I can't live that way.

And I'm not saying my thoughts on this is THE ONLY WAY... just that I want my partner to believe the SAME WAY as I do- so we're not battling over finances. Thankfully I've found Hiker to be a well-matched person in that regard. He likes to pay for things, but if I jump in and offer to grab a bill on a date, he doesn't argue. He just graciously accepts (and seems appreciative of my gesture, says thank you)- and then nothing more is said. When we make trips together, he will pay for most of it, but I will spring for part of it. The last time we were on an out-of-town trip, I jumped for the hotel because I was the one who called and made the reservations. And he paid for everything ELSE we did that weekend (meals, tickets, gasoline, etc) so I figured we came out even enough. No, neither one of us wants to sit down and nickel-and-dime it down the middle with a calculator, but we do like a general "fairness" when it comes to trips. I know he has his own bills to pay, as do I- and he knows that I'm not expecting him to ALWAYS pay for everything, and it's hard to explain or describe (I feel like I'm just rambling)- but the basic deal is, we UNDERSTAND each other on this matter, and it FITS. That's what matters most when it comes to finding someone to date (or marry) because the financial abilities and styles (or differences) can have a BIG impact.

In that huge challenge of finding someone compatible... financial compatibility is such a killer. And that's not something you can dig out of an online profile without kind of dating a bit to see how they "operate". But financial compatibility is a deal-breaker for me. We HAVE to match, or I won't go there. BTDT with the mismatch, won't do THAT again.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:04pm
I have to say I have just gone through the same thing. You need to watch the movie Prime. It took me a long time to learn my lesson. I just ended a relation ship with a guy and I have to say he was great. I could have not asked for a better partner when it came Intellectual and the kind of attention that he gave me. But I had to think of the long term and the truth of it was he could not offer me what I needed in a serious relationship. Now that doesnt meen that he is a bad guy it just meens that he is not the right guy for Me. I 2 have the dream of have 1 more child. The situation that you have discribed is stikingly similar to mine.
If you talk to him honestly he will eather step up or move on don't be afraid to go it alone. for a wile you never know what might just be out there that suits you a lot better.
good luck in findind your Mr Right and not just Mr right now