Am I being overly worried???
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| Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:52pm |
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months and about talking for about a year and a half. For the past 3 months we have been together (me and my son have been staying with him on a job out of state). Things are great. He gets along with my son, spends time with him, plays with him. He makes us dinner almost every night...enjoys doing this sort of thing. He's very attentive and always seems to know when something is wrong and always finds a way to cheer me or my son up. In every way he is great. He says he wants to spend his life with me and that "I'm It".
Here's my fears...I recently sold my house as I receieved a deal that was too good to pass up...I wasn't really trying to sell it. The guy buying the house is letting me stay in my house through June of next year. Great deal for me I guess. So I thought with my house being sold, and as of June me having to find a new house that my boyfriend would initiate some sort of plans for us. That he would mention something to indicate maybe we would have a future come June or something. Am I wrong to think he should indicate some sort of plans? Am I being crazy? We are always talking how we want to always be together and when I talk at all about my house sale or looking for a new house, he says nothing. Nothing to indicate we could do something together. This is my first worry...maybe stupid...I could come right out and ask him but it's just not me. I don't like to push myself on someone. I want them to indicate in some way what they want too. I was being subtle but he wasn't give indications of anything back.
Here is the second thing...he is still married. He has been legally divorced for 7 years and claims that she won't sign the paperwork and that in the state where she is (NC) that they can't make her. They have no children together, I know he doesn't love her, she is now in jail yet he hasn't made any new steps that I can tell to get this divorce final. Wouldn't the judge just go ahead and set a darn date and decide things for them if they didn't do it? Why would he not get this taken car of. He has a very good job and makes very good money and that is the only thing I can think of is that he doesn't want to give up half of something. Yet, they were not married very long and during separation she can't claim anything.
The last thing, again maybe I am crazy. He travels a lot for long periods at a time. So he only has his cell phone that he carries with him. If his dad calls or work, he'll answer it. Anyone else, he'll say he doesn't know who it is and won't answer it. But, these mysterious callers always leave messages cause his phone beeps. And sometimes he'll say he doesn't know anybody in the area code calling but the next time he does. It's like he is screening calls. Or, I 'm crazy. I just think he should answer the darn phone and see who it is if he claims he doesn't know them.
Other then these weird calls and him not getting his divorce he has been the most wonderful person I know. Am I being overly worried? I know that I have found the person I want to spend my life with but I don't want mine and my son's heart crushed.
I have been in two very abusive marraiges, and he knows this. I tend to be not overly expressive with my thoughts and he knows this too. I guess I just want reassurance and I don't know how to get it. I have went 20 years being abused and afraid to say boo. What do I do?

All together that sounds shady to me.
Say boo, now.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
I would recommed therapy for you first because you need to be healed and strong before you enter into a relationship. You sound too vulnerable and too open into potentially ending up hurt.You've emotionally invested way too much into this man too soon. I would recommend you return back home and invest in yourself for a while, I would make my life plans without him, because you don't know where this relationship is going. He dosen't either that's why he's not saying anything. I think I smell a rat with those calls as well, they could spell potential trouble for you in the future. I would definately question his family (discretely) about his ex wife as well. Although don't be surprised if they clam up as he may warn them beforehand not to say anything to you. There are too many if's here and I don't think it's fair to you or your son. Fix the situation, so you are not left so vulnerable even if it means distancing yourself. If the relationship is meant to be it will be no matter what steps you take to protect yourself and your son. If the relationship is on solid ground, your taking steps to help yourself will only enhance it further. Best of luck to you.
Do you work? You're out of your state living with him on a temporary basis?
Make your own living arrangements. Do not count on this man. This situation has red flags all over it.
You should buy another house and be totally on your own when your house sells.
Your stakes as a single mom are very high. I do not think you should have any hopes of this man until he is truly DIVORCED. You should remain independent until you have the ring. Otherwise he just has the benefits of you and no commitment and you have nothing and no leverage.
I do not like this story with the exw in jail, the travel, the phone, his apathy towards your housing situation and moving the relationship forward. I have not read the rest of the responses yet.
But this is your life and you have a child. You must be picky and have a clean life, especially given your history. Think about yourself. Think about your daughter.
Good luck - we are here for you for whatever you decide. Welcome to our board!!
Welcome to the board, now for the free advice.
GREAT advice, Alison - I couldn't agree with you more.
- we cooked over 30 dishes from Morocco and Tunisia today - and I am pooped!! The weather is very cold here, but the kitchens are very warm. I can understand why I used to love this so much. And it has been great for me not to have the usual worries and concerns of my life.